what’s the breeze

hello all

time for another update in the life of bree

In the last week I have had to say goodbyes to my coworkers and family at St Joes, the ones that have been around me the last seven fucking years. I really had a difficult day last Friday, doing the “lasts” at the hospital, and it was emotional for me. I also had to say my goodbyes to the last patient I truly bonded with. Her transition into the angelic world is near, and I am thankful to have been able to at least have said my goodbyes to her before she reached Heaven.

As far as work went, my friends and colleges were extremely supportive. I anticipated much more shit from people, and I’m glad nobody said anything to my face. I didn’t want to have to prove to them why I was choosing myself, I didn’t have too. It’s bittersweet though, I know all my friends are there and supportive but I just want someone to express their sadness for my new journey. I want to be missed, that’s forsure. Of course I do, we all yearn to be wanted and missed and loved somehow.

I have started more of my van conversion, adding floors and walls. Its finally coming together and its sooooo surreal to see in real life, the vision I had in my head. I’m proud to be able to do this. I am proud of me. I am thankful so much for the help I’ve received from new friends and from family with the build and power tool logistics. I am so thankful for the opportunity to accomplish this. With the pandemic, I really felt trapped, as most of us did. Traveling was always going to make it into my story and I’m glad its finally here.

I have been also keeping up on my schoolwork, as I am almost done with my BSN RN degree. I’ve had my associates for two years and took some time off before COVID-19 hit to take a break from school. I’m so happy to be so close to my ultimate finish line! I know this isn’t it though, I am going to be getting my masters. I just am not sure exactly where or what I want it to be focused on. I’d say my career goals have adapted considering I just got the two highest dream job’s imaginable to me in this year alone. I have no idea what my endeavors hold. That’s okay. I want to pursue my travel journey for a few years, see where the road turns.

My romantic life has been finally placed on the back burner. Although I am on a site for app promotion, I really am not interested in romance. I usually can’t say that confidently, but I am now. I’ve finally realized how to focus on myself, how to love myself, before I can truly love my spouse. I am dedicated to loving me- now and always. It would be very cool though if my future husband just so happened to be one of the future men I write about here. It would be the upmost adorable story and blog to follow.

At first, I glanced away hoping he wasn’t tracking my embarrassed smile. (fast forward to many months later) …and that’s how we fell in love. a blog series. Anyways, for now its going to be about the one and only here.

My personal goals are indeed conquering. I have done so much work in such a little amount of time, I am so proud. I have maintained a great attitude, kept up on all my responsibilities, added a ton more of workload to my days, and continued to be great and authentic. I honestly am so badass.

I’ve got some personal time off before I leave and begin my journey. I say “see yah later” to my family this weekend, my friends and acquaintances I’ve met along the way. On the way and upon my arrival, I get to say hello to so many more people, I get to see so many beautiful sights that I haven’t ever experienced before, and I get to be 100% myself. I get to learn my silent thoughts, my mid day dreams, my fears and inspirations. I get to love me. I will learn and adapt and grow tremendously in the first month, to every single day after. I am so very excited for this. I can’t believe I’m this girl, I always saw her on the inside but never knew she’d come out and truly life and experience life for its offerings. Shit man.

T minus 6 days

alright mi amore

xox

don’t rush baby girl

i know you’re ready to get on the road, but don’t fret. processes must take place, and for you, patience must be expressed. you can’t make people work faster or harder just because you want something, but remain adamant and positive. trust the process.

i actually can make huge changes relatively quickly, once i set my mind to something. what i forget to realize is the accomplishments and progress i’ve made in two weeks usually takes two months or longer for anyone else. managing and planning a move across the country is a huge step, and i can’t believe i figured it out so easily! look at you girl! you’re a star!! there’s so much shit! finding a sublease, selling and sorting my belongings, applying for a license in another state, background checks, new hire paperwork, contract papers, recruiters, new cargo van, furnishing and modeling a van into a living space, buying furniture and matching stuff, finding decor to match my style (finding my style to begin with), continue working full time, proceeding with everything you continue to manage like work and school…damn girl

you are so smart and i’m so proud of you.

i am proud of the self determination i hold and i’m additionally thankful for my perseverance. i knew i was always one to seek adventure, but i lost that version of me a while ago to reoccurring severe depression and anxiety. i always dreamed of this woman getting out and being adventurous, but was never imagining it truly as reality. i feel so much better now, in such a place of peace and positive energy. i know i can do this, i know i can do this well and i know i will love it so much.

i’m really going to learn how to trust myself, how to love myself and how to be my own person for myself. i yearn to find a soulmate who can be that for me someday, but i till then, i must learn to be my own. i’m starting to come too already, but i know exponential growth is at large.

i am already so fierce and powerful, i can do anything i set my mind too. i’m proud that this is what i’m choosing to do. i’m proud that i identified my needs, pursued my goals and made them my next reality!

i can’t wait to tell my kids someday how i suddenly up and changed my entire lifestyle. i’m really really excited about that.

my next goals include starting a vlog and book about the journey across the states. US: one bite at a time, or Bree in the breeze it could be called. A narrative perhaps, outside looking in, at my wonderful journey to come. additionally I am going to pay off my student loans, get a new remodeled converted van, and have a chunky savings account.

those are quite large, but i know i can do it.

the next week will really test my patience, kindness and sincerity to my dreams.

remain authentic, express needs and remember to speak and act intentionally

all for now mi amore

xox

three weeks from now

I wonder if you made it there yet. Did you find a beach? Campsite, Air B&B? Hows that high top live treating you? Do you stretch real big and do yoga like you wanted to? How many cans of spaghetti-o’s did you pack? I hope you brought enough healthy snacks. What music are you listening to? Did you get tired of dancing and singing along yet? Remember the dream you had about getting five hours in before the first break and got to Va at the perfect time? Is that how it went?

I bet the air is so crisp and fresh. You already love it, don’t you.

I told you so. look babe, you made it.

why do you ever worry to begin with, I’m always right. For you fear no more, angel. Sit tight.

I bet the first thing you do is going to be a sunrise or sunset destination. You always chase the sun anywhere.

I bet the back looks awesome. Did you decide on a foldable bed cushion, like… Japan style, or a futon? ooh, what about the twinkle lights? You really should consider a speaker. What about space? did you put a rug in there? Does it feel like home?

Remember to find the sight seeing around there!

Can’t wait to see you.

In a letter, to me

xox me 7.16.2021

Change

A lot of things are happening over here. I’m proud to have such privacy with this change, as all the extra and unnecessary judgment is non-existent and frankly I don’t need it in my space anyways.

So as the next two months progress, I will transition into full time RV living with my soon to be converted passenger van to RV. I have my floor plan and steps to take to make it a home, and will use my gym membership for showers and camp to pocket my housing stipend I will get through travel nursing.

I packed and sorted my stuff yesterday. Trash, donate, sell. I was surprised at how refreshing it was to get rid of things I hadn’t seen or used in months to a year. My body is cleansed, my soul is cleansed.

I never knew I could truly live this dream, but I am creating my new reality. I’ve never felt so truly proud and sure of my life until these moments.

I feel such clarity. I know this is where my life is suppose to go, the only thing is that I don’t know where I will end up. That’s okay. I don’t need to end up anywhere particularly, anytime soon.

I plan to start a vlog and journal and scrapbook my journey.

See you there,

xox

a letter

I’ve been meaning to write you. The timing just wasn’t right, until now.

June 25, 2021

dear future husband,

I can’t wait to embrace you with my ever-so-tender love. I dream of the moments you hold me in your arms, where I actually am safe forever.

I can’t wait to meet you. I have waited so so long and endured horrendous heartache to find you. I learned a lot on the way. I am here to warn you, I am overwhelming. I feel heavy and intently and carry passion and fight for those I love. I am so much, or so little. Sometimes it gets really dark in my head, and I’ll really need your help to stay above the darkness. I promise though, it will be worth it. I know I am worth it. We will create the most extraordinary life together. I will love you with my entire soul, and through every reality I will and do seek you.

I can’t wait for the days of our progression. Yah know, milestones. I didn’t quite have positive celebrations growing up and I can’t wait to have that with you. You’ll be so proud of the things I’m about to start doing, I can’t wait to tell you about it! I wonder where along the journey I will meet you. I know right now I am making myself the priority, because I am learning and evolving each and every day. I am processing emotions and grief and need some time to work it all out before I can be the best for me, and you. But I will create a scrapbook, and only hope to put you in it one day, and reflect on that moment years down the road.

I dream of us building together. A foundation of trust, respect and effort. A conscious and consistent, everlasting and unconditional type of love. I see us with a family, one with traditions and closeness and backyard bbq’s. I see laughter, communication, support and quality between us. I see the same fire I emit as my love for you, in your reflection too. For this is when I will know it is you, my charming delicate man.

For now, I must suspend this letter, as its remains contain information only known to the writer, and must be unwritten at this time.

Perhaps there is more to unwind here, but for now this is all

please don’t ever neglect the true meaning of love. it holds tremendous power and passion, a force to never manipulate.

stay kind mi amore,

xox

Breemix/update

for the first time in three months, i could feel again

I felt pure-hearted joy again.

I can’t truly explain the world I was trapped in, but I can try.

She woke up each day with less fight, less energy, and even greater fears. She sees flashbacks of previous panic and depressed states and prays she remembers the steps to come back out. But she isn’t doing well… If you look close enough, you can see her fading away as the days progress into weeks, months. Just look at her eyes. Nobody will.

Four dark gray walls surround my existence. The simple beginning of it all, this “episode”, started with clouds. They got darker and more condensed, until they filled my entire mind. I couldn’t feel the sunshine anymore. I became sharp, I was unpleasant and increasingly so, with unremarkable effect to fight. The panic came as waves of rainfall. It was violent downpour with high windstorms and came down like sharp knives thrown from a thousand-feet-tall building. My energy was flammable, and I lit up the room in every bad way. My presence pierced and landed less than ideal impressions on those I knew. It worsened , as thunder erupted and sent a message to shut down. I became absolutely obstructed. My personality was taken over by the soul of absolute nothingness. The way I acted, the things I said, were not me, not the me I know I am. They were the depression me, the version that doesn’t want to be here. The one that wants to destruct the happy Bree, because she is powerful and beautiful and strong, but it wants her gone. it happened as the things I found most beautiful and incredible in the world suddenly felt apathetic. I was irritable and hostile, wanting nothing to do with anybody. But then wondered why nobody wanted me. It’s confusing as fuck, I know; It’s manipulative and inappropriate behavior. One absolutely not material of a wife or mother. I acted out for attention praying someone would notice I needed help. I wanted to sabotage all relationships with family and friends and wanted to truly run away and disappear. I feared the reality of my demons but was equally being suffocated by them. I also fear the feeling of being…okay.

But today, after months of this…I felt.

I went to work and was greeted with embrace by a couple coworkers, just because. I got free expresso from one of the physicians, just because. I had great patients and good rapport. I smiled, and meant it. I laughed with intent. I looked in the mirror and saw the sparkle back in my eyes. I SAW THE FUCKING SPARKLE!!! My soul was shining again, I cold feel the sunshine. Whollllly shit. I remembered the rush of love and joy I get when I see newborns. I lit up seeing a picture of one today, and I couldn’t stop smiling afterwords. Bree, you just eeeeeeked at a baby! BABY YOU’RE BACK. My soul is smiling again. I know we both felt the relief. I remembered how to feel love again. I wiggled and scrunched my face. I felt it today, I FELT.

JUMP AHEAD

A few months since this draft began have passed. Yesterday my world changed and I didn’t realize until now, is for the best. Unfortunately, sometimes we are incorrect in our choices for romance, although we can learn and still appreciate the chances offered during those times. I learned what it felt like to be respected, adored and admired for at least half of the relationship. A similar ending as I’ve experienced, support was shown as distance, and my yearn and wish for attention came off as fighting and became a “reason” for the leave. Kinda a cop out I think. I heard the right one won’t do that. Deep down I knew I was adapting my personality to succumb to behaviors I wasn’t truly comfortable with. I wish I could have realized that then though. Maybe this wouldn’t have been such a shocking revolution.

But I am okay today. 🙂

I had a great morning, afternoon and soon evening. I was productive, creative and inspiring. I processed and focused on self goals and methods of accomplishing them.

Today I am well.

xox

first day

most of my success in life sprouted from the doubt of others. finishing high school, getting my nursing assistant certification, finishing surgical tech school and even nursing school. through all those successes i fought doubt from many directions, and successfully proved them all what i can handle. i’d have to say, my most recent transition into ICU has been all me. i actually didn’t have any vocal doubters, and i’d have to admit it may have given me some false or early confidence.

regardless, i finished my orientation and knew i was making an impact. family members would vocalize my sincerity and gentle approach with their loved ones and patients would express themselves with music or therapeutic touch. little responses mean a lot in my nursing world now, and response to music is quite an emotional experience to be apart of.

as i approach my first shift riding solo i have to remember the first day i shadowed down this unit. the knowledge nurses had and new equipment i’ve never been exposed too was overwhelming at the least, but through the fear i kept going. as one of the new baby nurses down there i know and recognize i have so so much more to learn, and am so excited for the opportunity to treat patients through the hardest times in their life. the intensity and acuity of the population i care for is engaging and triggering to my education and advancement of clinical skills. i’m ready, today i am ready.

i hope that my time in nursing impacts each patient in some type of positive way. i just want them to know they’re truly cared about, in all hierarchy of needs.

i know i am the one who put in the physical work here but i have to credit the one by my side the whole time. i’ve never been encouraged like you encourage me, or pushed to my potential. i’ve never been so supported and confident to pursue an actual dream position. i get to legitimately save lives, and as time goes on, my skills will adapt and develop into one exquisite badass nurse.

so thank you to my best friend, my love, my biggest fan and hype man around for teaching me more and more about myself. thank you for giving me the ability and security to grow on my own, while we also grow together. its our bond that i cherish so deeply and i am incredibly thankful to have you at my side. i simply can not wait to be by your side celebrating your accomplishments next!

so to the family and friends i haven’t reached out too, i’m doing well. to the ones i haven’t spoken too in months or longer, i support you from afar. to the ones who simply got by this last year, it’s okay! you can only truly fail if you give up on yourself.

hustle hard and fight for what you want, i promise you won’t regret it

all for now

xox

It surely has been a while, but I’m back. I’ve truly missed diving into the divine world of writing and am glad to have a chance to express what’s been going on in my neck of the woods again.

I would like to start by recognizing the progress I have made this year. All too often I find myself discrediting my accomplishments to avoid seeming cocky, but I’ll be damned if I undermine myself again. I transferred into a new job role and finally feel like I earned the title I now carry. Transitioning into a new role was really hard for me, days turned into weeks of me feeling like an imposter. After a few incredible beautiful moments with my patient’s and their families, I know I am perfect for this role. I carry the traits to encourage my never-ending learning, empathy to always care about the care I give, and dedication to make an impression on each patient. I am the lucky one.

Through a steep role transition I even maintained my studies and continued my journey to obtaining those three letters..BSN…coming to the end of my name soon.

Not only am I excelling in my career, I am also still so absolutely head over heels for my man. I have never been so supported and am thankful to be the recipient of true love. Through the last three months our bond has become extraordinary. We have pushed each other to achieve greatness within ourselves, coming together with immense force. With him, I am me. I have fully accepted that the misguidance I experienced in my past has lead and driven me into the love I never knew was attainable. The type I never thought I deserved. With you, it’s safe.

I have never been so at ease with life, until you.

All for now,

xox

Updateeeee

I took a break from publishing for some time, frankly because I wasn’t ready to indulge the eyes of readers with my personal life. I still am not particularly open to sharing much, however I do want to write today.

I have been truly living in a dream. I am constantly in awe with the life I manifested, and for the people who helped me get here. What can I say, its a breath of fresh air.

I am insanely proud of my career steps, and am settling into my new role. Its quite an adjustment from the population I’m used too, but I only take jumps when I know I will land them. I worried for some time that I wasn’t qualified for the position, until I realized nobody is at first. I begin each day with a clear mind, positive affirmation and goal.

I am also still working on my bachelors degree. I can’t believe it, but I think I’ll be finished before I even thought was possible! GO ME!! I have a strong feeling I will be bored out of my mind without the endless amounts of work to do though. I suppose nursing school “busy work” has continued into an endless game of how much can Bree do at once? . One of my first professors sees me occasionally and comments on the success I’ve endured since my early surgical tech days: “You always had the hustle in you, I knew you’d keep chugging”. She’s right. I’m not sure when I’ll stop, so until then forward is forward.

Someone really special to me recently said, “The only way you’ll ever fail is if you quit”. He’s right. My stubborn attributes have gotten me this far, why would I ever quit on myself?

Aside from the career strides, my personal life has been astonishing. Although, I can’t formulate a sentence adequately describing the authenticity and genuine connection I have with him. Hear me out, words are powerful. They pierce your soul with emotion and connections beyond the physical world. However, when two people share what we share, it’s mesmerizing. The intensity and passion we share, the laughter and memories we hold, I just can’t help my amazement.

I used to dream of things I wanted my future to hold. Now I can open my eyes, because I have it all.

Thank you Mi Amore,

xox

christmas wish

hey ma, it’s me again

as the second Christmas without you begins i can only hope you’re celebrating up there. i hope you can see all your grandbabies, i know they made you the happiest in the world down here on earth. MOM!!! you now have 4 total! those kids poppin em out like it’s easy 😂 and who knows, there may be more, i’m not sure. i also hope you’re able to spend your Christmas with all our family up there. tel jojo, carebear and grandma that we all miss them so so much. i’m glad they have you to laugh with.

i am sure you noticed how quiet i’ve been in the last two months. i haven’t felt much like myself. this season has been really difficult but i think i’m starting to come back around. i made sure to send those holiday cards to strangers, the tradition i started last year for you. it was hard to do this year but i did it. when i am writing, i can tell you’re with me. i know you’re proud that i started it, and i promise i won’t stop.

i also wanted to mention that i change jobs soon. i can’t count the times i’ve grabbed my phone to call and tell you this. i’m really nervous but i know i have the resources i need to succeed, i just have to follow through and prove to myself that i can do it. i can feel your support as a calm energy around me, and i’m somehow not so scared to transition into this critical care journey.

and you’ve definitely been around to notice this man mom, i swear you’d be in awe over him. that’s what makes me the most sad, you two won’t ever be able to meet. i know you’re proud that i finally have someone that encourages and supports me in all my forms. someone that actually appreciates me and treats me like an actual queen. ma, i could have never dreamed to have someone as incredible as him, and every day i have another reason why i’m actually the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. life without you is really really tough, but momma-he keeps me strong and safe and i know you appreciate that. i know you can see us from above, so keep us and our families safe from up there and we’ll handle the stuff down here.

i miss you always