more than a nurse

i can’t recall the exact moment i realized my care was especially different than most nurses, but i know damn well it is. i strive to make patients feel heard, adapted and fought for. i want them to know they are safe, under my care, and that i will advocate for them if needed. i need them to trust me. and with the last two and a half years under my belt, i think i finally can take the credit where it is deserved. I change lives, i influence lives and i heal. I am a badass.

its more often compared to others’ that i get tremendous bonds with my patients in comparison, but what they don’t realize is my holistic ways are what set me apart. therapeutic touch, active listening, brutal honesty, education are just a few things i do in my care to make sure patients know who i am for them.

my first travel assignment is coming to an end, and i have an absolutely remarkable individual to speak on. she was my patient for quite some time, turned friend. although this may ruffle some feathers that i “cross boundaries” between ethical care and unethical, i truly believe the risk to be worthy. if i can change someone’s life just be listening to them, just by hugging them, by showing them i too, am human, than damnit…im going too do it. you can’t take my personality out of my career, you just can’t. thats what makes my nursing as uniquely beautiful and craved/requested as it is.

when i saw her the first time, i felt the pain she was enduring. not the physical pain i knew she was in, but the emotional turmoil. the heaviness in her chest because she knew her life was completely upside down.

i opened the door and listened. i listened to her story, her voice, her presence. i felt scared, as was she, i felt lost, as was she, i felt hurt, as. was. she. i felt like pieces at the end of shattered glass. i felt silent.

it was my mom she deeply and so quickly reminded me of. the natural beauty she carried, the smile in her eyes, the strength in her voice, all similar to mom. the abuse and years and years of occurrences that didn’t treat her well, i saw pain and sorrow and years of being strong for everyone else but her. i saw how i could help.

and from that day on, i wanted to show her, to be her, inspiration to never giving up. i wanted to show her how she inspired me, how she brought me to the best version of myself during all the conversations, laughs and tears we’d share. mostly, i wanted her to know she was loved, cared for and respected.

no matter the miles between us, we are together at heart. i promise, you’ll always be near. you’ll always be here.

in the 757

we’ve all heard it, a thousand times, “when one door closes, another opens”. Is that such the case?

my time in virgnia is near end and as i sit here thinking about how excited i am to continue the journey, i’m quite sensitive to the idea of leaving all my new found friends. although it is not goodbye forever, it’s goodbye for a while. i can only hope and pursue consistency in my efforts-and in theirs, to remain close while i continue to travel and chase my dreams. i extended wishes for a “last hurrah” to get pictures and memories to cherish as I go forward. i absolutely want to remember everyone i got the pleasure of getting to know here, and those who got to know me. i can surely say i am extremely thankful for my time here, my friends here, and the experience and patient bonds i established here. i wish i could personally thank each and every person who held influence on me in virginia, but that’d be quite an emotional experience and one franky, i’d wish to neglect at this time.

i know i began this journey with my eyes on one prize, but i can’t help but yearn the love i still want to eventually have with someone. although i am particularly focused on myself at large, i miss deep and stimulating conversation, emotional connection, chivalry, and intimacy with someone consistently. with my lifestyle i either will find someone with the capability to travel aside me, a long distance relation, or a short term affair- (no, not the cheating type). i’m not quite sure which i’d be most accepting of, but ill wait to find out.

the other day my therapist made me realize something. to the men, i’m a total catch. i work hard, am educated, have a great personality, have positive outlooks, am self aware, and goal oriented and more. i am a total fucking catch for theses boys. the problem arises them not being a catch for me. i need to not worry if “i’m good enough for them” but rather, are they good enough for me.

so until i find that special individual with the striking personality to sweep me off my feet it will remain I on this adventure, and i’m perfectly okay with that.

i recently (today) began planning a rough outline of my trip across the US. just last week i thought i was going to NC but had an unexpected call from my recruiter about a contract i simply could not pass up-CALIFORNIA. So here she goes, little miss Bree, all the way across the US. i’m really in my feelings the last couple of days because it is really challenging to remain close to my new friends, knowing im leaving them all soon. I feel awful, i feel like im inducing sadness where it shouldn’t be. I know my feelings are wrong, and I know people can tell i’ve been more distant but I can’t really help it. my body is preparing me for the solo journey that is to come very quickly. . its not just to protect them, its to protect me. its me processing the alone feeling i haven’t had in a little while. its eating and being hydrated, its finding safe spaces to park to sleep, rest and break between routes. its listening to little b’s voice, the girl i haven’t heard from much lately. its a lot more than protecting my friends.

with my new destination in track I hope to get a few things under wraps. initially, oil change and brake check, see if i need two or more new tires (also need a spare), perhaps a ladder or basket for the back of the van, and new speakers. I really hope the speakers work out because i wanna blast music on the road and i can’t really listen to alot of my normal stuff with the shitty ones from the factory.

with the holidays coming around i’m doing something very special for a family or two. i won’t share much except that, for i don’t need recognition. i just want to make it special for a familiy that deserves a break. im thankful for the chance, i can definitely help make that a reality to some.

not sure what else there is to update. . but stay tuned for more

xox

progress

I’ve been quite the busy bee lately, it’s time for an update.

Aside from not coping well with my brothers death, (well not at all actually), and working strenuous weeks, I’m tired. I am tired but I am well.

I am proud to announce (to whoever ends up here) that I finished my BSN-RN and am now a proud holder of my Bachelor’s in Nursing. I am disheartened at the fact that I’m done with school again. This time is different. When I finished my surgical technology program, I knew I was going back for my RN. When I finished my RN associates. I knew I’d be back for my BSN. This time, I’m done. I will pursue my masters degree and eventually become a case manager, but until then-It’s my time. It’s time for me to learn who Bree is, without the business of full time work and school. To be honest, I’m not sure how I managed to complete all I’ve done while managing work and mental health and friends, family and relationships at large. I’m a fucking star. It’s time for me to expand my busy work attitude and self into something new, exciting and full of new opportunities.

I hear a lot of people saying “I don’t know how you do it”, fuck, I surely don’t either. I just do. I managed my depression and remained functional through severe episodes for years, until it took me into an ER each time. I managed my traumas until they backfired and turned into rage and a new panic disorder. I managed my symptoms until they were dealt with, until they turned into lessons. Until they helped me grow. I managed me.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to make so many friends here in Virginia, but my time here is nearing an end. I am so thankful for the ones who ensured my safety, invited me out, fed me and helped me keep access to running water and electricity. It would have been much more challenging without y’all, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. My next adventure is going to be North Carolina. I so thankfully inspired a friend from Michigan who is going to be coming down as well for her first assignment! I can’t wait to have a buddy from home nearby. I still plan on making myself my own spot by camping and know that’s what is best for me, but having someone from my original town is going to feel amazing. I am so thankful to be such a positive influence on people, as that is what my journey is about! Not only am I inspiring myself by pursuing all my dreams, but I am influencing others and speaking up for those who hold voices quieter than mine.

I haven’t spoken much about mental health and coping, so the following blog will be inclusive of that. What I can touch on now is a project I just started.

A BOOK.

A Book by Bree.

I am going to be writing a memoir, to share the wonderful wisdom I’ve learned from life thus far. My struggle, trauma and personal business out for anyone to read. I hope to continue to inspire others to be their true most authentic self, I hope to help people chase the dreams they didn’t think they could pursue and I want to ultimately guide your mental wellness into the most positive it can be. After all, we all deserve happiness on Earth.

I am so thankful for my time on this Earth being one full of positivity, inspiration and hard working success. I am well determined to ensure the life I life is that to be so proud of, one to make an impact on thousands of people. If I can change one perspective, make someone’s bad day less bad, or remind people why they belong on this planet, I’ve done my diligence.

Ollie has been doing wonderful despite me accidently tearing off a piece from the bottom of the side panel. Idk what it’s called, but its easily fixable. I just need the time to meet a friend so he can fix it. I would like to add a ladder, but with the cold front coming, I’m sure I will delay that until spring.

My financial goals are to first pay off my van. I haven’t had it more than four months but it’s the highest accruing loan I have. After that, I will need four-six months to save money to pay off my student loan debt entirely.

All for now,

with all else, love more

xox

hey bubby…

I am so sorry you thought this world was one better without you. I’m sorry the world turned into something that you thought you couldn’t or shouldn’t be apart of. I’m sorry you felt so alone in a world in which you enlightened the lives of everyone you were around. Im sorry if you couldn’t feel the warmth in the sunshine, the breeze on a beach, or the vibrant world we live in as it was. I’m sorry if you were feeling like the only one you had to talk to was mom. Im sorry you felt like you had to go. I’m sorry you were left in this hard world without her for some time. I’m oh so damn sorry, that you’re gone.

I can only hope that she found you right away-Mom-that is. You told me how you felt her push you out of the half-life you were momentarily in, shoving you back into this physical world only a year ago. I wish you would have told me more since then. I wish you had me to have leaned on. I wish I could hear about how dark the days were, how gray the world became, and how you felt like leaving was the only option. I would have loved to had heard anything from you. Now, I can only wish for the things that could have maybe kept you here. Selfish, I know. But, I can wish for more.

I can wish you found peace, hope and laughter. I can wish you feel well again. I wish you can smile, laugh and hug those you’ve missed for quite some time. I wish you safety and security and joy. I hope you found a calm, safe place to nest. I hope you feel relieved, I hope you feel happiness. I hope you feel safe there. I hope you are pain free, and playing football again. I hope you’re meeting you idols, the ones that are in Heaven with you. I hope you feel warm again.

Justin, feel the beautiful delicacy between your fingers as you brush them between a rose petal, or the beauty that radiates around you and your kids-FEEL THAT! Feel the warmth around your skin as you transition into an angel. Grab the nearest longboard and go find all the ones we’ve missed! Go get em kid, go get em!

I hope you feel safe and supported there, I hope you have your spark back. I hope you can feel the passion behind hope again, that the skies are bluer and the clouds are gone. that the sun is brighter, that your storm subsided. I pray for you. I hope for you, I love for you.

I hope your dimple smile is gazing through the beautiful Heaven, shining down on us all. I hope you are learning how to be an angel, after all, you have quite the team of helpers up there. I hope you’re with Jojo, Mom, Carebear and Grandma. I hope you’re hugging them, and I hope their hugging you. I hope you found it is okay to be vulnerable up there, that safety surrounds you.

As you know, i love you very much. That will never change.

projection is a reflection

“Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done”. -Unknown

what does your version of self-love entail? is it on the surface of the earth or the depths of such?

we often fail to recognize the projection of love we express, rather than understand our influences to the outer world with our individuality. all too familiar are sounds of negativity and disgrace about oneself, from the people we share life around. where children hear the sounds of you shaming the body that gave them life, just because it changed or has marks from carrying and growing a fetus-a baby. where we doubt our intelligence but merely confuse it with simply lack of exposure. when voices chirp complaints about not being enough of something, but to whom are we comparing too? when we contrast the idea of a perfect image, who decided or taught you what to hold standards too?

when we are young, we are programmed to think and act to a way of someone else’s desire. when is it that we take charge for ourselves? when do we realize the idea of a person’s perfection should be entirely one true to themselves?

beauty is forgiving. beauty is unique to each of us. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the perspective of one of all things in life.

wouldn’t it be nice if we could choose how our brains projected the image society molded into us, that to be beautiful you must be: this that and the other. how about we just forget that bull shit entirely, beauty is you.

so before you start the sentences that neglect your body and true self, remember one thing: someone can hear you, someone is learning how to love themselves with influence to how you love yours. show it mercy, show it strength, show it love.

mi amore, please love yourself

xox

your dreams in retrospect to your reality

are you ready to create a blueprint of your life?

as questioned in my previous blog: how would your world be different if you were in control? what job would you have, what would your house look like, what car would you drive? how many children would you have, what traits would your spouse posses? how would you be appreciated, loved and cared for? how would you appreciate love and care for others? what does your world consist of, had you chosen your own hand in the deck of cards called life?

i’m gunna hit yah real hard with this one…but you are in control. maybe not of the great ultimate plan, but the day to day and your reactions and to whom you instill trust, the ones you choose to be friendly with, the ones you love, that’s all up to you sis. the way you either become what you were raised with, or the complete opposite, that control is in YOUR power.

ponder for a moment, your most beautiful life. what does it look like?

mine, mine is remarkable.

my life would entail: kindness, gentle but powerful advocacy, generosity, humor, spontaneity, dedication, education, self-worth, independence and old fashioned love. it would be solo trips across the united states in search of a home. it is many nights of finding my true self, loving my inner self and growing together into the best version of me. its getting through every challenge, anxiety and struggle that comes my way. its handling things with care, passion and intent. it is me getting a masters degree once i find a state to plant roots in, buying or building a house into a home, and welcoming one or two puppies into a new life. it’s a lover who understands my hours and dedications, and helps me find time to remember to always come back to myself. someone who encourages intellectual conversations, and openly welcoming to emotional ones as well. its someone who will be outside with me and our children, who will read stories to our children at night, and the day. its someone with the same adventure bug as i have, someone creative and open minded in retrospect to this world we live in. its someone who is empathetic in nature, dedicated in passions and sincere in actions. i would be chasing the piers and wonders of the world, alone or with my family. i would camp and life rogue hippie life as often as possible. it is writing a book about my journey, to inspire young minds to never ever give up on themselves. its speaking and motivating friends and others to always stick up for themselves, because after all, no-one else ultimately will. as the ultimate vision of this is yet to be created, there is a great amount shared of my personal blueprint.

as i said above, as crazy as it sounds…you are in charge of this. this is the blueprint of your own life, now fucking go out there and make it.

go get em, mi amore,

xox

Adventures with Ollie, following the breeze

i’ve taken some time from writing but its only because i’ve been working endlessly trying to rack up the money in my current travel assignment. i’m working on adjusting some of the technicalities and construction in the van, paying off the credit cards i racked up from the van purchase itself, and finding out how to life with the new means i’ve created. i’m quite used to being below the means necessary, and for once, i don’t and no longer live that way.

as far as the van goes, Mr Ollie actually, he’s doing well. we’ve moved some things around and i’ve finally gotten a better flow and overall utilization of space within the cab. i’m working with my friend and her man on installing cabinets around the top of the bed, with a storage across the back. once that’s in, i won’t pull my clothes out of a suitcase anymore! I got rid of a bulky file cabinet, thank GOSH. although it had immense storage space, the drawers were not adequate for travel life, and a lot of space was wasted on the contrary just by having it. oh yeah…let me stress how exciting it has been to utilize bungee cords in this journey! they save my shit from tumbling over, as long as i remember to use them that is. I am also looking to add a ladder, so i can use the top as a relaxation spot and for extra storage space when moving locations. have you ever checked prices on van ladders? its absurd really. but totally going to be worth the additional “level”, like a balcony in a house type space. once i get that, ill also need an extra tire. i didn’t realize until yesterday really that i hadn’t had one. not sure what my plan was if i had a flat tire, but i need a spare forsure. i ordered a different table, one that folds down into a table and up into a “shelf” on a wall. this will open up the cab tremendously. I literally can slow dance with someone in it, if i wanted too. maybe one day i will.

it’s intriguing to learn as the weeks pass, what works in the van, and what needs to be changed or altered. I would like to put up some paneling to have actual “walls”, or the such appearance of a more homey vibe, and i’m excited to be on the path to achieving that. as probably no one knows, i got t-boned before i left Michigan and had a pretty significant hit to my drivers side. i purchased a couple band-aide decals because frankly, i’d rather pocket the insurance money and keep that dent as a huge reminder of the crazy journey i am on. also, when i went to get it looked at, i was told they’d have to completely strip out the interior to which i am NOT partaking in. There’s no way i can (mentally) afford no van or home for an entire month, and also to redo my entire works on the inside just to fix two panels. Plus, i get an extra chunk of savings to put toward the interior decor an design, im not worried about some dent on the outside that doesn’t produce any functional issues.

if you would have told me in march 2021, when i had a tragic decline in my mental health, that i’d be living my absolute dream as a travel nurse in august, i’d look at you like you were an alien. if you would have told me i’d finally give myself a fighting chance against the depression and anxiety i’ve held for over ten years, i’d laugh in your face. if you would have told me i’d move to a new state, drive 800 miles away from the only place i’ve known, i’d jokingly ask for two of whatever you’re taking. if you would have told me that i’d find the true me, i’d step back and ask…”how?”

if you were to describe your most beautiful idea of life, of your life, how would you begin?

would it start laying amongst the stars on a clear night, or on the shore of a beach as the sunrises? would you be so resilient and courageous you’d chase and achieve all you ponder? as there are a billion more questions we can address, of the life we’d create if we were able to pick and chose our destiny…let realize that WE FUCKING CAN.

we are in charge of the life we live, of course not every single moment, but damn…from our attitude and perspective to where we go to eat, how we treat others, how we raise children, the goals and dreams we accomplish, the car we drive, the house we live in, WE GET TO CHOOSE. so what does it look like to you?

i’ll tell you some of my perfect world..once you find the next blog

xox

dear future husband

i’m not sure who you are, or if we’ve even encountered each other in this reality. but i really want too.

where are you?

i hope to meet you soon. i want to see the spark in your eye as ours meet the first time. i want to interlace our hands and bond with you. i want to lay on your chest and hear the lub-dub of your heart. I want to feel your embrace against my body on a long day. I want to rub on your head and arm and back until you fall asleep as we lay under the bright night stars. I want to learn the little details about you, why you may scrunch your nose or get shy sometimes. what your favorite pass time is, and why you do other particular things you do. what are your greatest passions, goals and self care techniques. how do you handle stress and deadlines, how do you handle failure? how do you handle success? what makes you laugh? what makes you sad? do you go about your day with intent to make a positive impact on at least one person? How do you love? Do you enjoy a lot of the things I do? what hobbies do you have that are unique? what makes you, you? surprise me with your ways, your “hows” and views on life in the world and what it really means to you, to live and to be alive for you.

i am obviously yearning the day i finally meet you. I know there is a greater plan-whomever came up with it is beyond my knowledge, but I know you’ll come when its time. I just hope that time is coming soon.

I want to finally be safe with showing my vulnerable side to another person. i want to find you, i want to see first hand what it means to have a someone who always means what they say and says what they mean. i’m frankly sick of the half-assed shit. be scared with me, let’s make something magical.

i wanna dance with you on the side of a road we stopped at just to catch a glimpse at the stars under a dark sky. i want to bake with you in the kitchen of our dream home when we can’t sleep. i want to make up handshakes and code phrases only you and i know. i want to know what it feels like to be loved more. i wanna watch us become parents and alter our own parents advice into that of our own. i want to see the world with you but most importantly experience it aside you.

although i talk a great deal about things i’m excited to do with you, i am able to be with myself now. i’m able to sit and reflect and thank my inner self for all she’s done and how she’s waited for me to come around and heal her for so long. I still practice my strategies of coping, healing and inner self love daily, but I am surely ready to trust her in love again. I’m ready to join the journey I began and start it with someone, adventuring around the united states together. to begin building a family together, to trust and grow together. to find happy with you, after all.

I hope you’re ready for some intense loving. I hope you like early morning coffee dates and check ins/reflections. I hope you are inspired by a lot of things, but mostly yourself. I hope you dance with me in the kitchen at 0300 when we can’t sleep. I hope you build forts for us to hide in during storms. I hope you love whole-hardheartedly. I hope you are trustworthy and kind and passionate for those you love and yourself. I hope you like dogs, kids and outdoor living. I hope you like adventure, travel and spontaneity. I hope you’re open minded, and protective of us. i hope you are available and open to being vulnerable with me. I hope you are honest and carry integrity through your actions and performances-personally and professionally. i hope you are outdoorsy, handy and strong. i hope you are resilient and responsible. i hope you are educated, goal oriented and hard working. i hope you are all the things you wish to become. i hope you are your whole hearted self.

I hope you’re ready too. I hope you’re ready to be loved harder than you may have ever been before. I hope you’re ready to trust, to be trusted and treated with the most delicate and old fashion true love. I hope you’re ready for a family, a long lasting forever type of love together.

i hope you’re around soon, i can’t wait to meet you

xox

the new girl

i met her just a few weeks ago, when i peeked around the door i’ve been hiding from her entire life. she surely didn’t or couldn’t have expected me, i’ve been invisible. but this day, i saw her look at me, confused as to why i was trembling in my stance. she didn’t know how long i’ve been waiting for her, how long i begged for her, nor did she know exactly who i was. she didn’t realize my feet ache from the years of standing up alone, carrying the weight from years of unresolved trauma. she didn’t realize my head throbbed with aches of desensitizing memories. she didn’t realize what’s yet to come. not yet at least.

when she looked at me my eyes filled with tears. i’ve cried a lot before, that wasn’t the surprising or the unusual part, it was her looking back. it was her seeing me, acknowledging me, noticing me for the first time. time was frozen in that moment.

bree leaned against the concrete in a campground in chesapeake, Va with the sun beaming against her skin. A moment ago she was restless, unable to contain her discomfort from within. she had been camping for a few weeks now and still hadn’t understood how to manage being truly bored. she was the type to never sit down, or always sit down. objects in motion stay on motion, objects at rest stay at rest. newton’s law, we all know that. even with a bicycle, two pools, countless books and a degree to finish, she found time to be antsy. it was who she was. it is who she is.

i’ve gotta do something, i’ve gotta go, bree thought. her heart yearned the spontaneity of her new found lifestyle and she wanted to utilize every moment. she had no plans, but mere intentions to maintain her bold and courageous personality. she pondered for only a moment until she knew exactly what she needed to do.

the next morning she was a passenger strapped to a jumper and was moments from the one of the highest ranked life experience she’ll have. she flew with the angels and never felt air so…pure. she went skydiving. she grounded to the frank lack there of and enjoyed the feeling of what flying would feel like. between and above the clouds, with the greatest view of the city, she was amazed as she glided through the atmosphere. she flared aside the light clouds and heard angels singing in her head. she was mesmerized by the view, the space around her and the breeze to which carried through her back to the ground.

i stood behind the door for a week even after her seeing me that first day. just because she can see me doesn’t mean she loves me. it doesn’t mean she’ll stay. to be held accountable is a big job, to maintain integrity and service to yourself and others is work. one day i grabbed her hand. she was unsure my intention, but softly embraced my hand within hers. we’d stand together for four days before she asked me what i needed.

she knew though, i needed her

xox

a letter to me

this will be a pretty intimate post. i’m writing to my big self, the 27 year old me in the real world. i am you, little b, you call me. i don’t know how old i am, probably 4 or 5, but i wanted to write back to a letter you wrote last week. so here i am.

i have been watching you more the last few weeks than i have ever before, you saw me didn’t you? i know you did, because you talked to me for the first time. i finally got to really meet you.

i held your hand for a few days as you know, just watching you. i could hear your genuine words and affirmations and i thank you for that. i was nervous at first, but soon could feel the strength you carried. i could feel the yearn for me, the love you wished to share together. i felt the hugs, even though i haven’t begun returning them. finally after the few days i was quietly standing aside you, i could believe you when you said you were there for me.

i remember you asked me to trust you, to let you be the one i hold on too. and honestly i think i can. i think i can make you the home i’ve been searching for.

i am sorry for not trusting you but you’ve gotta understand why. you chose others before me for so many years, you had to find someone to put me first because you never did. and after so many trials and errors you finally realized it’s you i need. you need to put me first and i to you. i finally realized it too. also the reason everyone always left was because it needed to be you all along. it took you so long to realize that and it’s okay. i’m not upset with you.

i want you to promise to stay creative, passionate and active in your dreams. i want you to help me finish mine too. i want you to laugh and cry with me, to sit in silence with me. i want to know your strengths and attributes that make you so very special to those who love you. i want you to learn that stuff about me. i want to learn everything about you.

did you know i can whisper now? before i never had a voice, not one you could hear for that matter. but you do now, you listen and you can hear me. thank you.

you’re really incredible you know. the way you gather your thoughts and so beautifully express them into words and sentences with your story, which, is extraordinary. after all the bad things that happened to you, you’re still so remarkable and kind and compassionate. one day i’ll learn how you managed that. so many people turn so evil when it itself approaches them, you got more and more kind. most importantly you never gave up on the true value of this life we share. even with a late start, we have a lifetime of memories to make together. we have so much to go and have already come so far.

so with that, a letter to me. from the little one inside who is now under your wing, trusting and ready for the adventure of us

thanks big b

great job

xox