to be completely transparent, I’ve been lost. I suppose it began once I got pregnant, but it is now I am realizing I have no idea who I am again. Who would have thought a planned pregnancy was going to engage me into these types of feelings, or am I ignorant for not anticipating them at all?
I used to know who I was. I was a woman with a dream, hope and passion. I had hobbies, independence and confidence. I would write at Waffle House early in the mornings, sleep at campsites and wake up to everything nature had to offer. I would take my dog to lunches and enjoyed each moment intentionally. I worked hard, efficiently and productively. I had friends and would hang out with them often. I was sure of my decisions and didn’t have much second thought. I was sure of my actions too, as I did things with intent and purpose. I was confident with who I was. I knew me. I wrote to my inner child often then, spoke with her often, and now I have the slightest idea where she is.
In two short months I will have two children on Earthside. I am absolutely terrified. I have the slightest clue how to be a mom, am I going to make a good one?
The changes my body is going through amazes me, but more so has made me feel more unsure than ever of who I am. it’s a strange transition. I’m too uncomfortable to lay, sit and stand by a certain point never less too tired to want to do anything more than I have too. my nipples leak with golden supplements to which I just began collecting as the babies’ first meals. my hair is thinning and my belly is projecting into new space I need to learn to be aware of. my legs are developing more prominent veins and become swollen without compression socks. sometimes my stomach moves around as the babies do flips or whatever it is they can manage to do in their little spaces. it feels intrusive, beautiful yes, but intrusive.
I hate it here. at least right now I do. because I can’t find my center. I need to find my center. I’m sitting here at my desk with my babies’ first two pictures from a 3D ultrasound aside me. My soul aches for healing, so I can be my best when you’re here. I just want to give you a life you don’t want to run away from, or heal from.
I feel truly beautiful being able to cary my first two children and am incredibly thankful for the opportunity I have been given in life, to bear child. however, on the inside it is hard to distinguish all these changes as good.
so what do I have to do to get me back? how do I find things I care about when I’m too exhausted to do anything above bare minimum? how do I occupy my time in ways that will help me find me again? these are questions I already have the answers too, for I’ve been through this journey before. only difference is, this time its the journey to motherhood.
this is the first step, realizing I need to work on finding me. the second begins now. I must find things that bring me joy, through trial and error. I need to find something I can do independently, and for me, that will occupy time. I need to indulge in self care. I need to sing in the car again. I need to feel confident, smart and productive again. I need to stop being my own burden.