the new girl

i met her just a few weeks ago, when i peeked around the door i’ve been hiding from her entire life. she surely didn’t or couldn’t have expected me, i’ve been invisible. but this day, i saw her look at me, confused as to why i was trembling in my stance. she didn’t know how long i’ve been waiting for her, how long i begged for her, nor did she know exactly who i was. she didn’t realize my feet ache from the years of standing up alone, carrying the weight from years of unresolved trauma. she didn’t realize my head throbbed with aches of desensitizing memories. she didn’t realize what’s yet to come. not yet at least.

when she looked at me my eyes filled with tears. i’ve cried a lot before, that wasn’t the surprising or the unusual part, it was her looking back. it was her seeing me, acknowledging me, noticing me for the first time. time was frozen in that moment.

bree leaned against the concrete in a campground in chesapeake, Va with the sun beaming against her skin. A moment ago she was restless, unable to contain her discomfort from within. she had been camping for a few weeks now and still hadn’t understood how to manage being truly bored. she was the type to never sit down, or always sit down. objects in motion stay on motion, objects at rest stay at rest. newton’s law, we all know that. even with a bicycle, two pools, countless books and a degree to finish, she found time to be antsy. it was who she was. it is who she is.

i’ve gotta do something, i’ve gotta go, bree thought. her heart yearned the spontaneity of her new found lifestyle and she wanted to utilize every moment. she had no plans, but mere intentions to maintain her bold and courageous personality. she pondered for only a moment until she knew exactly what she needed to do.

the next morning she was a passenger strapped to a jumper and was moments from the one of the highest ranked life experience she’ll have. she flew with the angels and never felt air so…pure. she went skydiving. she grounded to the frank lack there of and enjoyed the feeling of what flying would feel like. between and above the clouds, with the greatest view of the city, she was amazed as she glided through the atmosphere. she flared aside the light clouds and heard angels singing in her head. she was mesmerized by the view, the space around her and the breeze to which carried through her back to the ground.

i stood behind the door for a week even after her seeing me that first day. just because she can see me doesn’t mean she loves me. it doesn’t mean she’ll stay. to be held accountable is a big job, to maintain integrity and service to yourself and others is work. one day i grabbed her hand. she was unsure my intention, but softly embraced my hand within hers. we’d stand together for four days before she asked me what i needed.

she knew though, i needed her

xox

a letter to me

this will be a pretty intimate post. i’m writing to my big self, the 27 year old me in the real world. i am you, little b, you call me. i don’t know how old i am, probably 4 or 5, but i wanted to write back to a letter you wrote last week. so here i am.

i have been watching you more the last few weeks than i have ever before, you saw me didn’t you? i know you did, because you talked to me for the first time. i finally got to really meet you.

i held your hand for a few days as you know, just watching you. i could hear your genuine words and affirmations and i thank you for that. i was nervous at first, but soon could feel the strength you carried. i could feel the yearn for me, the love you wished to share together. i felt the hugs, even though i haven’t begun returning them. finally after the few days i was quietly standing aside you, i could believe you when you said you were there for me.

i remember you asked me to trust you, to let you be the one i hold on too. and honestly i think i can. i think i can make you the home i’ve been searching for.

i am sorry for not trusting you but you’ve gotta understand why. you chose others before me for so many years, you had to find someone to put me first because you never did. and after so many trials and errors you finally realized it’s you i need. you need to put me first and i to you. i finally realized it too. also the reason everyone always left was because it needed to be you all along. it took you so long to realize that and it’s okay. i’m not upset with you.

i want you to promise to stay creative, passionate and active in your dreams. i want you to help me finish mine too. i want you to laugh and cry with me, to sit in silence with me. i want to know your strengths and attributes that make you so very special to those who love you. i want you to learn that stuff about me. i want to learn everything about you.

did you know i can whisper now? before i never had a voice, not one you could hear for that matter. but you do now, you listen and you can hear me. thank you.

you’re really incredible you know. the way you gather your thoughts and so beautifully express them into words and sentences with your story, which, is extraordinary. after all the bad things that happened to you, you’re still so remarkable and kind and compassionate. one day i’ll learn how you managed that. so many people turn so evil when it itself approaches them, you got more and more kind. most importantly you never gave up on the true value of this life we share. even with a late start, we have a lifetime of memories to make together. we have so much to go and have already come so far.

so with that, a letter to me. from the little one inside who is now under your wing, trusting and ready for the adventure of us

thanks big b

great job

xox

things she likes

i highly recommend you write a letter to the inner self of yours left suffering in the corner of your existence. i’ve written mine a few times this week, and shit-let me tell you, it blew my mind. I changed and adapted to a new perspective of this inner self.

mine could be envisioned as a little blonde hair, blue eyed green bean girl, with just an eye peaking around from behind the door. she’s shaking and purely terrified of the world around her. she keeps saying “everyone leaves” in the whispers of the hall

“i’m so sorry” i said, as i looked in her direction. “for not listening to you, for not knowing what you needed, for not knowing how to love you”

I told her i’d like it if she trusted me this time, to be her person. she knows and she has proof that everyone leaves, as it’s happened with every relationship since her first. even some friendships too, gone as she is disposable. she’s explains to me how she feels: too much of this and not enough of that. soon efforts fade from her relations. and then they’re over. she started weeping inconsolably.

But i begged for her to let big B be there this time.

the two embraced in their spiritual realm and a new destiny began.

as i began following more of my current needs and body’s demands, i began to hear little b. louder and more confidently. “rest” she said, listen or i’ll force the body into a mood, tantrum or outburst. So i rested. “Be active” she said, as she wanted to let out some energies. “Write”, she said. because she knew it was our first and best way to communicate, and a beginning to a whole new chapter in my life.

i’ve paid more attention to the things i do and wondered my reasonings behind it. lll share a few:

i say i love you often, to my friends and family, because my great friend Zoe always does and i never want my friends to question if they’re loved. i’m also big into reassurance and i love giving it to those who appreciate it!

i listen to Beethoven to concentrate because the sounds of piano are romantic and calming to my hectic firing mind. i’d also really really love to take piano lessons and learn how to play myself. i’ve always found the calm of a piano hum comforting

i say what’s on my mind because i want other people to have the courage to speak up if they feel the need as well. i never want someone to feel like their voice doesn’t matter, because it certainly does. i speak up because once i was afraid too, and my voice remained silent for far too long.

i send good morning texts across my friends list and offer words of encouragement and praise at random. i love putting smiles on my friends faces and reminding them why they’re loved so so much by me and so many others! also, small gestures can make huge impacts.

i joke a lot about my mom leaving the earth without notice, because it breaks up the emotion into a reasonable pattern. she didn’t want me crying anyways, i know she’s here beside me often.

when i lose things-especially like twice in five minutes-i look up and say “thanks brenda (mom) now help me find it” because i think my mom plays pranks on me from heaven and hides my shit in plain sight sometimes just for shits and giggles.

i sit at parks and gaze into the sky because i never knew what true peace felt like until now. i also wonder what heaven is like, if there’s purpose behind the sun shining behind and through the clouds. are there patterns or signs from loved ones up there?

i snort when i laugh because i laugh hysterically, i also snort more when other people laugh at me snorting which just causes a cycle. it’s pretty therapeutic so i don’t avoid it 😉

anyways, i love these little traits and qualities of mine!

little b and big b have some learning to do! but they’re both dedicated to another, ready and motivated to be the best they can as one

this is finished for now and i may add more later

all for now

xox

life’s a little nomadic

I’ve lived in my van a tad over two weeks now. let me fucking tell you, the growth I’ve overcome in the last week has reached another high!

I have struggled letting myself be free from my previous attachments. once I, as my dad would say, “jumped out of a perfectly good airplane”, I was able to release that person forever. I am so thankful for that. I was holding on to a lot of pain for no reason worthy. I have reached new heights, emotionally and physically.

I am learning how to listen to my inner self. I can finally see her, she’s been hiding a very long time. I think everyone should sit and find theirs too. I learned what its like to sit in silence and watch her moves, watch her cries, and hear the cracks in her voice from being silent so long.

Camping really does get pretty boring. I haven’t learned how to be an avid reader, but I suppose that will happen when I solo camp. Right now I’m lucky and have a friend to company me sometimes. I have a membership to a gym as well, but lets say I haven’t felt bored enough to go there either. haha. I love to cook, that’s one of my favorite parts of being at a campsite. I get to be literally OUTSIDE all the time.

I do need to find a generator, little fridge and ac/heat source. this is not working well with none of the above. I just get very very hot and borderline sun poisoning. Which is not something I want to deal with here. With my plans to go further south as the summer progresses, I need to prioritize this need.

My goals are still extraordinary. I hope to continue to be the greatest version of me I can, to spread kindness across and to make people laugh and smile. I see memories of me this time last year and I was crying hysterically over the life and feelings I was overwhelmed by. I can report, that is no longer. I am finally better. I am finally me. I was suppose to begin work but it was delayed until tomorrow! I am super ecstatic to start this journey!!!!

all for now

xox

camper life update

I think I’m starting to become accustomed to this new lifestyle of mine. I left my nursing job, my home, my family and friends to pursue travel nursing on a journey across the US. I have multiple states in mind I want to stop and live in during a travel assignment, while living out of a converted van at local campsites.

I wake up and lay to the sounds of birds and insects from the distance. I can hear cars softly passing by as I rest my head in my converted van to boho-rogue rv. I have a pretty cozy set up here, with twinkle lights and modern decor. I love it. It is all new, it’s all mine, and it’s exactly what I envisioned.

I really am so proud of this adventurous go getter Bree. I always knew I had it in me, I just didn’t think I would be able to ease my anxieties enough to pursue it. Additionally, I had this always as a second choice. If I failed at my first life story of finding a husband and making a family, I’d chase my true dream. I needed to learn what it felt like to put myself first. Well, I know. I feel such relief and freedom now. I know whatever is happening now is temporary. To this shall pass. I can act in whichever ways make me the happiest, and I can chose where my energies are focused more wisely its the nature surrounding my being.

the drive to Virginia was long but quite beautiful. I have never enjoyed long car rides, mostly because I get bored. However, this wasn’t so bad, I took my sweet time and arrived Wednesday at my destination. I took as many breaks as I wanted and needed, and let my body rest when I felt fatigued. I was sore from driving for a day or so, between my shoulders. But I’m fine. I quickly befriended my now campground buddy and I feel much safer with a friend. I know I’d be fine either way, but its nice knowing someone you know is close by.

I finally got my computer today. I forgot it at home and paid a shitton of money for overnight shipping just to be misguided and not get it till two days later. I was behind a ton on school and I think I was just so obnoxiously overworked and stressed with the last minute moving details, school surpassed my mind. I am hoping to get some graciousness with turning those assignments in, but even if not, the worst isn’t really that bad.

I have been journaling more and being more active, also making videos on tik Tok for van life updates. I haven’t really done a vlog since the first one but I’m working on my time management and daily flow of things here.

I want to do research on efficient coolers or mini fridge for rv’s because getting ice on the daily is really annoying. I have to have continuous power hook up and that either mean I need solar panels or a generator. I also need to store my cot somewhere. I don’t need it at all here, unless I have a friend stay with me who wants it. Idk. I also think I did a great job organizing the last couple of days, I have things almost exactly where they belong with exception of a few things.

Overall I’m super ecstatic for this journey. I am still so excited for each day and feel so free, so happy.

that’s the update for now mi amore,

xox

what’s the breeze

hello all

time for another update in the life of bree

In the last week I have had to say goodbyes to my coworkers and family at St Joes, the ones that have been around me the last seven fucking years. I really had a difficult day last Friday, doing the “lasts” at the hospital, and it was emotional for me. I also had to say my goodbyes to the last patient I truly bonded with. Her transition into the angelic world is near, and I am thankful to have been able to at least have said my goodbyes to her before she reached Heaven.

As far as work went, my friends and colleges were extremely supportive. I anticipated much more shit from people, and I’m glad nobody said anything to my face. I didn’t want to have to prove to them why I was choosing myself, I didn’t have too. It’s bittersweet though, I know all my friends are there and supportive but I just want someone to express their sadness for my new journey. I want to be missed, that’s forsure. Of course I do, we all yearn to be wanted and missed and loved somehow.

I have started more of my van conversion, adding floors and walls. Its finally coming together and its sooooo surreal to see in real life, the vision I had in my head. I’m proud to be able to do this. I am proud of me. I am thankful so much for the help I’ve received from new friends and from family with the build and power tool logistics. I am so thankful for the opportunity to accomplish this. With the pandemic, I really felt trapped, as most of us did. Traveling was always going to make it into my story and I’m glad its finally here.

I have been also keeping up on my schoolwork, as I am almost done with my BSN RN degree. I’ve had my associates for two years and took some time off before COVID-19 hit to take a break from school. I’m so happy to be so close to my ultimate finish line! I know this isn’t it though, I am going to be getting my masters. I just am not sure exactly where or what I want it to be focused on. I’d say my career goals have adapted considering I just got the two highest dream job’s imaginable to me in this year alone. I have no idea what my endeavors hold. That’s okay. I want to pursue my travel journey for a few years, see where the road turns.

My romantic life has been finally placed on the back burner. Although I am on a site for app promotion, I really am not interested in romance. I usually can’t say that confidently, but I am now. I’ve finally realized how to focus on myself, how to love myself, before I can truly love my spouse. I am dedicated to loving me- now and always. It would be very cool though if my future husband just so happened to be one of the future men I write about here. It would be the upmost adorable story and blog to follow.

At first, I glanced away hoping he wasn’t tracking my embarrassed smile. (fast forward to many months later) …and that’s how we fell in love. a blog series. Anyways, for now its going to be about the one and only here.

My personal goals are indeed conquering. I have done so much work in such a little amount of time, I am so proud. I have maintained a great attitude, kept up on all my responsibilities, added a ton more of workload to my days, and continued to be great and authentic. I honestly am so badass.

I’ve got some personal time off before I leave and begin my journey. I say “see yah later” to my family this weekend, my friends and acquaintances I’ve met along the way. On the way and upon my arrival, I get to say hello to so many more people, I get to see so many beautiful sights that I haven’t ever experienced before, and I get to be 100% myself. I get to learn my silent thoughts, my mid day dreams, my fears and inspirations. I get to love me. I will learn and adapt and grow tremendously in the first month, to every single day after. I am so very excited for this. I can’t believe I’m this girl, I always saw her on the inside but never knew she’d come out and truly life and experience life for its offerings. Shit man.

T minus 6 days

alright mi amore

xox

don’t rush baby girl

i know you’re ready to get on the road, but don’t fret. processes must take place, and for you, patience must be expressed. you can’t make people work faster or harder just because you want something, but remain adamant and positive. trust the process.

i actually can make huge changes relatively quickly, once i set my mind to something. what i forget to realize is the accomplishments and progress i’ve made in two weeks usually takes two months or longer for anyone else. managing and planning a move across the country is a huge step, and i can’t believe i figured it out so easily! look at you girl! you’re a star!! there’s so much shit! finding a sublease, selling and sorting my belongings, applying for a license in another state, background checks, new hire paperwork, contract papers, recruiters, new cargo van, furnishing and modeling a van into a living space, buying furniture and matching stuff, finding decor to match my style (finding my style to begin with), continue working full time, proceeding with everything you continue to manage like work and school…damn girl

you are so smart and i’m so proud of you.

i am proud of the self determination i hold and i’m additionally thankful for my perseverance. i knew i was always one to seek adventure, but i lost that version of me a while ago to reoccurring severe depression and anxiety. i always dreamed of this woman getting out and being adventurous, but was never imagining it truly as reality. i feel so much better now, in such a place of peace and positive energy. i know i can do this, i know i can do this well and i know i will love it so much.

i’m really going to learn how to trust myself, how to love myself and how to be my own person for myself. i yearn to find a soulmate who can be that for me someday, but i till then, i must learn to be my own. i’m starting to come too already, but i know exponential growth is at large.

i am already so fierce and powerful, i can do anything i set my mind too. i’m proud that this is what i’m choosing to do. i’m proud that i identified my needs, pursued my goals and made them my next reality!

i can’t wait to tell my kids someday how i suddenly up and changed my entire lifestyle. i’m really really excited about that.

my next goals include starting a vlog and book about the journey across the states. US: one bite at a time, or Bree in the breeze it could be called. A narrative perhaps, outside looking in, at my wonderful journey to come. additionally I am going to pay off my student loans, get a new remodeled converted van, and have a chunky savings account.

those are quite large, but i know i can do it.

the next week will really test my patience, kindness and sincerity to my dreams.

remain authentic, express needs and remember to speak and act intentionally

all for now mi amore

xox

three weeks from now

I wonder if you made it there yet. Did you find a beach? Campsite, Air B&B? Hows that high top live treating you? Do you stretch real big and do yoga like you wanted to? How many cans of spaghetti-o’s did you pack? I hope you brought enough healthy snacks. What music are you listening to? Did you get tired of dancing and singing along yet? Remember the dream you had about getting five hours in before the first break and got to Va at the perfect time? Is that how it went?

I bet the air is so crisp and fresh. You already love it, don’t you.

I told you so. look babe, you made it.

why do you ever worry to begin with, I’m always right. For you fear no more, angel. Sit tight.

I bet the first thing you do is going to be a sunrise or sunset destination. You always chase the sun anywhere.

I bet the back looks awesome. Did you decide on a foldable bed cushion, like… Japan style, or a futon? ooh, what about the twinkle lights? You really should consider a speaker. What about space? did you put a rug in there? Does it feel like home?

Remember to find the sight seeing around there!

Can’t wait to see you.

In a letter, to me

xox me 7.16.2021

Change

A lot of things are happening over here. I’m proud to have such privacy with this change, as all the extra and unnecessary judgment is non-existent and frankly I don’t need it in my space anyways.

So as the next two months progress, I will transition into full time RV living with my soon to be converted passenger van to RV. I have my floor plan and steps to take to make it a home, and will use my gym membership for showers and camp to pocket my housing stipend I will get through travel nursing.

I packed and sorted my stuff yesterday. Trash, donate, sell. I was surprised at how refreshing it was to get rid of things I hadn’t seen or used in months to a year. My body is cleansed, my soul is cleansed.

I never knew I could truly live this dream, but I am creating my new reality. I’ve never felt so truly proud and sure of my life until these moments.

I feel such clarity. I know this is where my life is suppose to go, the only thing is that I don’t know where I will end up. That’s okay. I don’t need to end up anywhere particularly, anytime soon.

I plan to start a vlog and journal and scrapbook my journey.

See you there,

xox