Healing is not linear

Today I left every ounce of love with another person. Today I gave the most important possession in my name to my very dear friend. See, She’s doing me a favor only a superhuman/hero/spectacular soul would be willing to help with.

Let me explain.

My mom left us physically and unexpectedly May 19 2019. She left with so many unanswered questions, and so many memories we had yet to experience.

My mom had a pin she’d wear, usually at work, it says “you’re a star”. One day I declared I’d take the pin with me as often as I can. I decided to keep that pin on me at all times. It didn’t occur to me until today that I gave that pin such power in my own heart. I knew my mom touched it, I knew if I touched it, she’d be with me instantly. I guarded that pin with such delicacy.

One day the pin fell off my badge. I can’t honestly explain the relief knowing I didn’t lose it once it broke. On the contrary, I can’t explain the terror and horror I felt once it broke. Fuck. Another loss.

When my amazing friend offered to help me I instantaneously bawled. I mean full force water works UGLY Kardashian cried. I never have met such a selfless soul until this angel walked in my life. This woman who BARELY knew me could feel my pain, and wanted nothing more than to see me begin to heal. (Nurses are absolute heroes).

I can’t emphasize truly how incredible this woman is you guys. She has so many qualities similar to mom, I believe that’s why I feel such a bond with her. She’s had my back since day 1.

Today I gave her the pin I’ve had every day for 5 weeks. I looked at, held it and probably talked at my mom through that pin-EVERY DAY. I feel like I voluntarily gave away the last piece of my mom that I had, however I know that isn’t the case. I will have this back, I will get through this grief. I will improve.

I often tend to forget what healing looks like. It is indeed a linear sequence, a sequence of feelings you can’t wait to be over. You get better, you may backtrack, you feel like its over, then you’re back on track. over and over again. Thankfully, grief has been broken down into 8 stages thanks to the great Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross, but what you don’t realize is like grief is a monster and it will choke you by your fears and leave tears after thinking you were actually moving forward, thinking you were okay, thinking you were healed.

It is good days, awful days, ok days and days where you just BARELY made it.

I know how I feel is temporary, I know, (and recognize) I am missing a very important piece of myself. I also know I’ll get it right back. Right now its with my friend, in the safest of hands God could find. What I also know is the days where you feel like the only way to get better is to join the loved one, begin to come far in-between.

Life eventually starts clearing back up, just give yourself permission to be human. Let yourself be venerable, allow friends to comfort you in your times of pure heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel, as intensely as your body needs you to feel, do it.

With all, make today’s mission worthwhile. Go out of our way to comfort a friend. Check on someone who you know won’t ask for help, but will mean the world if you did. Check on you happy friends. Make someone smile today.


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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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