are you in charge of your own feelings?

With the faint sounds of birds chirping isync with crisp feeling of fall, I am left here alone with my feelings.

I’ve often been wondering how I’ve gotten to this point. Where one simple word or phrase can send my insecurities through the roof and ruin all my progress at once.

I’ve been in my share of sketchy situations. I’ve been taken for granted like most of us have, cheated on, lied too, chosen last, and forgotten about. I fight against my anxious thoughts 24 hours a day. I fight depression equally as much. We suffer from loss, grief and unexplained situations. This is the world we live in, it sucks sometimes. I wish it wasn’t this way, but we can either keep the cycle, or learn to understand, and rise above it.

I suppose its clear: I give others responsibility for how I feel. Others’ actions cause me to panic, why? Sometimes someone does something that hurts you, or says something that triggers your deep past, You hear or see what reminds you of your previous struggles at freedom.

I am a nurse. I feed off of making other people happy, making them laugh, feel safe and trusted. I love kids, and for all the same reasons, they make me light up! I feel my best when I am making others happy, but this is quite a slippery slope at sabotage.

Its not someone else’s fault for how you feel. I believe my expectations rise above mosts’, and when I am given evidence of that it is upsetting. How come nobody else can understand where I am coming from? No-one gets why I can’t get over this, how come this doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to me?

I can only imagine how it is for the receiving end of this? Your partner, friends who you isolate from, bicker and start pointless arguments due to your insecurities? It’s exhausting for them too. But can’t they see your true struggle, or do you make it look easy? Why can’t they just read about our struggles to understand better? do they care? Those are just a few questions that run through my mind every time I misinterpret something. We are so sorry.

We all were raised with our own versions of showing values in which we were raised with: respect, dignity, honesty. My version of respect can be way more specific than others, and vice versa. I may show respect in a way I know, and others also may not understand my side.

The take away from this is simple. If there is a misunderstanding, wouldn’t the only way to solve that be confrontation? That isn’t a bad word, confrontation is not good nor bad, our reactions are. I would rather directly ask someone their intentions of said actions BEFORE I would emotionally escalade and react out of hormone shifts and frustration.

The only way for us to fix this as a generation is communication, honesty and effort. If we make an effort to being above or pasts, to trust again and allow ourselves too, we can make such a better place.

a safer place


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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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