Then and Now

I always thought you’d be here forever, old and gray. Talkin smack and pranking you till were laughing so hard we’re crying. But you had to leave.What I am realizing, and learning to understand is that you are with me forever.

I am sure that what you knew when you were here isn’t the same as what you know now. I bet you’d re-do a lot different too, if you could mom, wouldn’t you?

If, when your body was physically here, you knew how much we’d miss you would you still have left? Do you think if you knew, you would have told anyone? Maybe you did know…Did you know it was your last day? Did you know you were sick? I am so sorry I didn’t know.

I think most of our relationship was us misunderstanding each other. I think you know more about me now, as do I, I think we were the happiest as we were the last year or so, you were so happy I was still in school. I regret choosing it every day. I regret choosing school over my mom. Over lunch I couldn’t make it too, because another stupid assignment I had to do.

But Mom, I think maybe you were mistaken, thinking we’d be better without you. Thinking I’d be fine.

Although I am experiencing the most amount of personal growth this year, I also do not credit that as “me being ok”. Thats me forcing myself to live because you have three other kids watching. I was a wreck when you left, I wanted to join you. Nothing is worse than being in a “dead moms club”. I can’t say anything without someone saying “awww I’m sorry”, and great discomfort. I didn’t want that. I never wanted that. I can’t call you to schedule appts, I can’t call you to tell you good news, I can’t share any pregnancy announcements, engagement or life event with because you’re gone.


I bet you laugh sometimes, when you see your kids doing something you loved watching them do. When Savannah smiles, Kayden laughs or Carleto feels peace for even a moment. When Justin and Sarah are back on track, Aja staying up with her studies and me well, I’m managing somehow. I smile, laugh, go through motions. But I still feel the ache of you being gone. My chest gets tight, my throat choking me when I forget and remember the reality all over again. I feel like I’m the closest thing left to your memory forever, there’s no way I can hold up to the memories. Our glue is gone, you are gone.

I hope you know we will never forget you. I will never stop talking to you, thinking of you, remembering you, admiring you.

I never really thought about if its different for you too, but I’d never get an answer in return. Do you still miss people, wish you could talk, be present, visible or alive again? Do you get to see Carebear, Grandma, Jojo and everyone else up there? I bet they really welcomed you.

Everything still sucks a little bit, but I feel safe, secure and confident. Did you know I’d come this far? Do you know your spirit is guiding me so well? Thank you for that. Thank you for being the spirit I believe in, talk too, bond with.

Thank you for not really leaving.

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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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