It is increasingly apparent that my efforts in blogging weekly are failing miserably. I am not sure why- however, writers block, life events, and personal changes have kept me unmotivated and off of any healthy coping technique I know. I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been working on crafts, or painting or many other of the project’s I’ve been looing forward too. The world outbreak of COVID-19 has taken control of the methods I’ve previously adapted too during times of high stress, and I am only mildly concern for my future self. I am trying diligently to work on this, and turn it around. I am refreshed at logging into the blog site again, to read my latest blog to my mom; reminds me how much healing writing and vlogging is to me. I experience a multitude of self reflection when writing, and I yearn to seek positives in such current circumstances.
Regardless of the current world crisis, I wanted to reflect on my most recent emotional progress. I have established a work out routine that I enjoy. I have gained definite strength in my efforts, and have since (yesterday) added additional protein to my diet. This shit is really hard to do! I felt so damn bloated yesterday ahaha. I have become the light I have always wanted to be, I am weightless, free, blessed. I planned and vacationed in MIAMI!! I had my first experience on an airplane! Side note: does anyone else feel like being that high in the sky makes you closer to Heaven? Because I got a little spiritually invested and had to say hi to mom up there. I have experienced TWO days with anxiety and grief over the last 40ish days. I check up on tasks I want to complete, I choose myself every day. I laugh and smile at strangers again. I compliment people often. These are things I do that make me feel better! Acts of kindness can literally safe a life.
I am not going to lie, the last couple weeks have been terrible. I have been planning a SOLO birthday trip to Arizona, (Bucket list!), I planned a Scandal theme birthday party. I got a new tattoo, my nose pierced, and another tattoo in the works! Both the party and trip are since postponed due to COVID-19. When I go to Az, the Grand Canyon and Antelope canyon are the two hot ticket places I need to be! Additionally, I am anxiously awaiting April 5th, my moms bday. This is the first bday of hers since she died in May last year-another month I wish to skip. Greif is sneaking in fast with the additional stress in the current world-and every day becomes a harder struggle. Workplace news: Nurses everywhere are pressured to keep patients alive and not spread infection, when physicians can’t order rule out tests fast enough to keep up. Healthcare personal are potentially exposed to the virus with every patient, computer, door handle, counters we come in contact with-and we are universally on edge. **THANK YOU TO ALL BACKGROUND WORKERS** Cumulatively, With the turn of events- I feel extraordinarily guilty for feeling upset about my personal plans, for my current worry of mental health decline, this is a huge hit for me mentally. I was really looking to do some hard core soul searching in Arizona, I was looking forward to the journey. Its not till forever, it’s see you later.
My most challenging obstacle is myself. I haven’t had to go through so many tough things alone before I always had my person. My mom was my person. My ex was my person. Now both of them are in a different role in my life. Surely I have a multitude of community support and coworkers and friends, but they have their “people” already, and that’s how the big bubbly bree gets left behind most of the time. Also, I don’t wanna be sad to anyone, I want to be the sun. I want someone to feel warm around me, happy, loved, light and beautiful. That’s who I want to be.
I need to rephrase my mind. I am not alone, I have myself. I have my moms spirit, I have bree. This journey is remarkably fucking irritating sometimes, but its mine. The day I get to say “I fought like hell through that, for myself”. is the day I win. I am fighting for my future self, my future bright, happy, smiley laughing bree!
My journey to self discovery has taken a quick turn of events this year, for I have learned SO MUCH about myself thus far and only continue to grow as each day passes. I only pray to keep my head above water, and my heart full of pure intentions.
Don’t let your crowns slip mi amore.