Good day beautiful human with their eyes on the screen! I hope this week has brought you never-ending satisfaction and peace; wait who am I kidding? It’s CARONNNNNNA VIIIIIRUUUS. But don’t forget the CONGRATULATIONS! You made it to Friday!
This week has been particularly heavy for me, with the date of moms passing quickly approaching, I find myself becoming increasingly distant and withdrawn from my friends and family. Before my break up, when my anxiety shifted, I aways relied on people around me. My friends hugged and counseled me for hours on end, with me for every single attack. I am not saying my previous methods were “good” skills to utilize, or the “best” way to carry out, but it’s all I knew at that time. Anyway, since we can’t be in close quarters (6ft rule), I’ve learned, miraculously, how to manage my mental health pretty independently.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about controlling your mind is acknowledgment and responsibility. It is not your friends’ job to check in on you, however; if you are feeling low, it’s YOURS to reach out. Hold yourself accountable for your thoughts and behaviors, and learn to separate your thoughts from yourself. Anxiety, depression (along with other mental health diagnoses) are lying to us, telling us untrue facts about ourselves. What I have noticed in my personal journey is that when I feel like I’m starting to fall down, and spiral: I can manage and cope through because I know I have accountability and resources to stay above water. I have the tools now.
Couple amazing experiences happened this week, so grab the popcorn.
My dad’s father passed away quite some time ago. My memory of him is scarce, but he was the best grandpa. Him and I would send letters and cards back and forth because he lived in Colorado. Anyway, he showed up in my dream the other night. It was more of a random dream in the fact that the message that I received isn’t relatable to the current day. I texted my dad the morning after my dream, because I believe that was him saying hi.
I often use symbolism as my “pick me up” moments. Basically, whenever I find something that can relate to a loved one, I generally make the attachment. Seeing cardinals is my message of approval, like what I’m doing lately is “right”. Heck, even a string of green lights is a sign enough for me sometimes. Butterflies that stick around remind me of my angels too. The thing is; there is no wrong answer when it refers to your healing.
Last night I came across the most beautiful sound in the entire world. One voice I haven’t heard live in over a year. Now: I was editing a video, and unaware of how iMovie works, so I was clicking around to the audio files and played one: there she was. Who would have thought 4 seconds would change my entire life so fast. My heart jumped out of my chest so fast, chills instantly covered my body. Tears flooded into my eyes, pouring into my lap; A voicemail from my angel, herself, mom.
I suddenly knew what I needed to do to cope through this. I quickly played one of her old favorite songs: I believe; Fantasia. Opened my camera and watched the timer countdown from 3..2..1…
I watched myself react to the elegance in Fantasia’s voice, reflecting on how the HELL I just came across that voicemail. I hadn’t even remembered I had them to be honest, and how’d it show up here???. I was certain my mom wanted me to hear her voice at that moment, I just was so moved by the spiritual power I was in awe. I can’t wrap my head around such coincidences; but often find these types of things happening a lot! Tears streamed down my face as I was reserved and broken hearted until the first chorus verse. I quietly sang along, covering my face and hiding behind tears. The video is evidence that Greif comes in waves, incredibly, you can see the progression of healing. Rewatching this video is…just..so powerful….I’m speechless. I was dancing, smiling and singing by the time the last chorus came around, still tearful however but actually healing through it. I felt comfort, peace and ease. I felt clarity and empowerment. I believed. “Wow”, is this what growth feels like?
Coincidence or not? So Mother’s day is this weekend right?! I had just purchased flowers yesterday for a garden I want to make in memory of her. I believe this was her blessing, her telling me she loves what I’m doing lately, she approves of the way I am honoring her. This was her. She’s always here. YOU GUYS! I’m on the other end with my fingertips softly tingling, I can FEEL the energy shifts. This is nothing shy of absolutely incredible; goodness: what a journey.
Wrapping this up here, with all else, please believe in yourself. There was a time not long ago I’d wake up from night terrors, into panic attacks every day. There was a day where I didn’t want to ever see another, hell: a lot of those. I promise you, you are not your diagnosis, you are not your depression-you simply have the wrong tools. Don’t ever give up on your journey. Yours is the most beautiful out there.
with all else, love more