You always told me I’d be better off without you. I hope you know that was incredibly incorrect to assume.
The day of my graduation was the last happy day we had. I remember seeing you from my seat waiting to walk up to that diploma, with the brightest and lightest smile. I remember hearing your excited cheers, knowing I finished my degree. You were so proud of me. Thats what everyone says. My heart knows its true, but I wish I could hear it one last time, from you.
It is ever so difficult to reminisce on this day. Today I actually became a registered nurse, taking and successfully passing my NCLEX (board exams for nurses). I remember walking out of the exam, 265 questions later, after one and a half hours at a computer screen in tears. I allowed myself to shed just two tears, one for you mom and one for finishing. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be proud that I still made it through three weeks of studying after you left this physical world, and didn’t give up on my personal goals.
I do have reservations against celebrating my accomplishments. I literally can not fathom the idea of being happy that I finished and passed NCLEX, because you died. I gave up on celebrating with a party, I fell into a pit of depression, and got so bad I dialed hospital numbers and debated inpatient treatment for months. I was shamed in my relationship for feeling so sad, broken and lost without you. I couldn’t sleep, I had terrors at least a couple times a week, waking up gasping for air because I was suffocated by my psychie. My codependency traits multiplied and I lost control at a new magnitude.
I am thankful to have been able to recognize the traits I possessed in which were causing me more harm than their benefits. I spent endless nights crying silent tears of desperation in hopes my life would make a change. What I had to realize, was the first step is changing your environment. I debated for months on what I truly valued in life, what I believed in, and what I wanted my life to look like.
It wasn’t until I realized that, that my life changed.
I won’t ever fall victim to the same patterns, because I now know and understand how to recognize and work through tragedy with grace. I want to be better, I know this is a realistic expecation now. Things may have been messy at times, but now my life is that of a dream.
I have endless support from my friends, family and career. I am able to identify and pursue dreams with confidence. I can work through trauma in a more efficient way, I am growing every day.
With a last thought, don’t ever forget the steps in which you take that make you feel big. Be you, love hard and never give up.
with all, be kind