every day missing you

You always told me I’d be better off without you. I hope you know that was incredibly incorrect to assume.

The day of my graduation was the last happy day we had. I remember seeing you from my seat waiting to walk up to that diploma, with the brightest and lightest smile. I remember hearing your excited cheers, knowing I finished my degree. You were so proud of me. Thats what everyone says. My heart knows its true, but I wish I could hear it one last time, from you.

It is ever so difficult to reminisce on this day. Today I actually became a registered nurse, taking and successfully passing my NCLEX (board exams for nurses). I remember walking out of the exam, 265 questions later, after one and a half hours at a computer screen in tears. I allowed myself to shed just two tears, one for you mom and one for finishing. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be proud that I still made it through three weeks of studying after you left this physical world, and didn’t give up on my personal goals.

I do have reservations against celebrating my accomplishments. I literally can not fathom the idea of being happy that I finished and passed NCLEX, because you died. I gave up on celebrating with a party, I fell into a pit of depression, and got so bad I dialed hospital numbers and debated inpatient treatment for months. I was shamed in my relationship for feeling so sad, broken and lost without you. I couldn’t sleep, I had terrors at least a couple times a week, waking up gasping for air because I was suffocated by my psychie. My codependency traits multiplied and I lost control at a new magnitude.

I am thankful to have been able to recognize the traits I possessed in which were causing me more harm than their benefits. I spent endless nights crying silent tears of desperation in hopes my life would make a change. What I had to realize, was the first step is changing your environment. I debated for months on what I truly valued in life, what I believed in, and what I wanted my life to look like.

It wasn’t until I realized that, that my life changed.

I won’t ever fall victim to the same patterns, because I now know and understand how to recognize and work through tragedy with grace. I want to be better, I know this is a realistic expecation now. Things may have been messy at times, but now my life is that of a dream.

I have endless support from my friends, family and career. I am able to identify and pursue dreams with confidence. I can work through trauma in a more efficient way, I am growing every day.

With a last thought, don’t ever forget the steps in which you take that make you feel big. Be you, love hard and never give up.

with all, be kind

mi amore


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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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