I’ve often written posts about the hopes and promises I yearn to get from this crazy life. I confide in the dreams and romance stories, wishing one day I’d be the lucky recipient of such a feeling. Coincidentally, I’ve fought against crippling depression and panic attacks for years, always suffocated by the thoughts that I’ll never find someone that gets me.
The problem was such that. I thought I had to find someone else to make me feel worthy of love. However, I realized the one I was looking for was the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I had to find the love in my own heart to be able to appreciate my beautiful soul.
My story is fully inclusive of trauma, for I will never deny that. But through this, I gained confidence and security in myself. I realized how intelligent, positive and radiant my energy is. I’m compassionate, thoughtful and have an established life. Through determination and my stubborn attributes, the world has increasingly blessed my life full of opportunities straight out of my fantasy’s. Truthfully, I’ve busted my ass staying alive against my depression and toxic relationships with some, I’m lucky to have made it this far. Thank God I never gave up.
I mentioned I used to look for someone that gave me the missing parts of love I never had for myself. I suffered through years of relationships only to come out realizing I had to find love for myself first. But, thankfully I prevailed. Because what’s even better, is finding a person AFTER you become truly your own being, after you’re okay with parts of you previously shamed, after you remember you are equally deserving of the love you give.
If you’d ask me a month ago what commitment means to me I’d probably have chuckled and walked away. The aspect of someone choosing me every day baffled my mind. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with anyone, and became pretty locked into my own world, intentionally avoiding any commitments with people. I was trained to think I couldn’t have any fears or anxiety, and I couldn’t complete tasks or continue hobbies I previously loved. I literally stopped being me, at the expense of my own self.
I’ve learned to realize a few things about sharing a life with someone. The intent of love must be purposeful. It takes two different people that share the same passion for another, poses similar life goals and have a maintained communication style. Additionally respect for another is vital in a healthy relationship.
I keep mentioning finding the person after you find yourself. To stop beating around the bush, I’ve definitely been living the reality-better than that of any best selling romance novel.
To have found someone so gentle, caring and respectful is literally blowing my mind. I catch myself smiling at the thoughts of him, butterflies racing around my belly when I get his texts, and living in great awe that I am finally experiencing what this is suppose to feel like.
The world stands still when I look into his eyes. I wish he could see how incredibly amazing he is from my perspective. When he smiles, my heart skips a beat-he’s oh so handsome. His thoughtfulness makes me melt, for I am so incredibly thankful to have him in my life. He’s tender and supportive and encouraging. Oh my GAWDDDDDD how did I get so incredibly lucky? The way he laughs at my puns, smiles at my creations and asks about my dreams. This is better than any fairy tale. He plays into my silly requests like water gun fights and secret handshakes and innuendos.
I can’t stop myself from feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world because of him, and of course from my exponential growth this year.
I’m excited to learn and grow into the next version of myself. I know I am ready because I’m not expecting or putting a time line on life. Everything is perfect, for nothing needs to be changed.
With all else, love more,