when the flame ignites

I’ve noticed a development in my journey that has coincidentally set me back a little from my progress.

It’s really important-during the lows, to have a couple people to ground you. However, this alone won’t solve anything. It’s purely for identification and acknowledgement of events-for progress to begin again. It is ok, to not be ok. It is however vital to take a step back, adjust your focus, reassess your goals and strive for progression.

No matter what we do for ourselves, triggers will exist. It is not the goal for them to be obsolete, but manageable. It is vital to recognize such toxic thoughts, and shutting them down before they become systemic and overwhelm your senses. Additionally, it’s important to remain realistic and to back up your intrusive mind with factual evidence to prove it’s tricking you into believing something entirely untrue. Trick is, you gotta catch it before it takes over. If you sit on the early stages of intrusive thoughts, you’re allowing that energy to consume you. After a short period of time, those thoughts create an entire situation out of absolutely nothing. It is upon that FIRST thought, that action must occur.

Positive thought reenforcement is a step toward thought training that possesses immense power within. With the first signs of intrusive, negative energy and thoughts of doubt, you may not even realize it’s happening. For me, I was having a day of “meh”, then after my shift and nap, I woke up in panic. There was no going back, no “undo” button for this one. I sabotaged myself in this one, I let the space fill with stories, during my “meh” moments, before trying to shut them down. That was my mistake, giving the thoughts even a moment of attention.

One of my greatest fears is that of abandonment. I am terrified the ones I love will forget about me, some way, some how. Although, to top the charts: I remain apprehensive and believe that I’m not important enough to be anyone’s “person”. I don’t know when that fear began, but with my past full of comments on how I could be so easily replaced, in addition to simply choosing the wrong people to be close too, I created more and more traits that lead me to dependency. I was raised to believe space means no love exists, and for that-creates one hell of a problem. I used to be completely tied into my partners, losing my individuality entirely. You see, I really didn’t realize I was dependent until I learned what it was like to be INDEPENDENT in seeking an actual, true partner. Because that’s what we’re suppose to be, individuals who choose to accompany each other through the journey of life. The purpose is to keep your individuality, and I am realizing that now.

This is easily my biggest fault, for I have to pay particular attention to how I utilize my efforts, because in order to grow and become who I truly know I can, I must drop these tendencies. I must work through them, and eventually understand I was the only one stopping me from my progress.

I’d say I am often overly communicative in my efforts. I think this has to do with the fact that I enjoy company, conversation and simply find comfort in feeling wanted. I have since recognized this and am reforming my thoughts and intentions. For space is not negativity, but comfort and security within.

Always remember how far you’ve come, since your journey began. Never belittle yourself, even in the moments you feel like breaking. I promise you, with genuine support and consistent effort comes immense growth. With dedication to oneself, self care and tender love, you will morph into that person you’ve always seen yourself as, or wanted to become.

with all else, love more


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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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