It’s been some time since I’ve eloquently drafted my thoughts into a blog creation. The last few weeks I’ve been paddling through anxious and uneasy thoughts, trying to maintain my equilibrium. Proud to say though, I’ve finally experienced clarity and surpassed the surface. I am ready to rise again.
I want to take a brief moment and thank whoever takes the time to read through these posts. My writers voice has evolved quickly, and through the nights I spend immersed in thought, I utilize this platform as a release. I re-read my posts, remembering the moments I struggled at reflection, praying to that girl I was. I write to share and educate through my journey, that healing is possible. I have received feedback from multiple people that draw me to tears, for their compliments hold power dear to my heart. Writing is a passion. I am thankful for the opportunity to potentially inspire you, guide you or offer any type of clarity in your own life. I also want to say that I have gotten a share of negativity from this as well. After a moment, I realized negativity is just a reflection on the character projecting such ideas. Satisfying unpopular opinions of others’ hostile feelings is no tea for me. Please find the “close tab” and take a moment with yourself if you’re feeling inclined to comment anything other than supportive to my posts. Carry on;
I have noticed a pattern in my human nature. I often strive to perform in excellence, juggling multiple hobbies and responsibilities with ease. I can do this well, until I can’t.
I don’t accept much less than exceptional performance from myself, so when I have to adjust my plans because they were overzealous-I become buried in critique from my subconscious mind. These thoughts create a version of myself I only remember because it is her I don’t want to become again. For she doubted every move she made, asked everyone what is in her best interest, consequently falling into negative thought trains. However, this “she” no longer exists.
It isn’t about how fast you go-but how you held yourself through the events of life that is.
I can’t ignore my gratitude for the people I have allowed to be apart of my life. Yes: allowed. We are responsible for creating and maintaining energy in which we reflect, and embrace in our daily lives. If you don’t like what you’re becoming, adjust your focus and figure out what drains your energies, your spirit and clouds your mind. Execute changes in the real world that free your spirit-and accept that it’s your time to shine. I have never had such incredible individuals around me, recognizing and encouraging me every day until now. They empower and guide me, inspiring me to carry on this immensely beautiful life.
The times when I planned my “last’s”: my last piece of writing, last visit with friends, last moments around strangers, down to where I was to take my final breath, I truly was at such a horrific place. I was deeply connected to the version of me I had always been-rather trained to be, through years of unprocessed trauma, provoked by unsettling relations with others. I never considered giving myself a chance at purity, and I just wanted to be the sun.
Sometimes when I’m writing these blogs I kinda go back in my mind to what I was going through during that time…I honestly can’t believe I pulled myself out of whatever storm I got caught in for so many years. I want to hug her, the Bree from last fall, all the way to the Bree in adolescence. This girl can get through anything. I think I know my purpose here, and I have some ground to cover yet.
I made a personal goal when I decided to move into my own place, as a single woman in her twenty somethings. I was to NEVER dim my light, lower standards or fall victim to toxicity again, (especially not to expel toxicity) . I created the woman I wanted me to be, with a simple image. In my head, I created someone filled with qualities and traits that reflect my ideal self. She has: confidence, strength, courage, passion, elegance, humility, graciousness, kindness, intelligence and much more. I graciously gave last chances, peace offerings and lost a lot of energy along the way adjusting my circle. Regardless of the effort, I never stoped pursuing this woman. I never stopped chasing the sun, until I became it.
My biggest flex is finding myself. I mean this. I never used to know some of the things I now know about myself. For example: I can build a coffee table, grill and hammock by myself. I create meals that feed your soul. I can paint well, creatively on canvas as well as walls. I am outgoing. I am pretty weird too. I can dress well. I can trust my decisions. I am happy. I can identify my triggers. I can communicate efficiently. I am CONFIDENT. I enjoy gazing into the sunrise, sunset, campfires and most of all, the glow in his eyes when he looks into mine.
Don’t ever give up on your story, for the next chapter is just a page away.
Utilize your energy, maintain your productivity and STRAIGHTEN YOUR CROWN!
with all else,