i often contrast with what i used to believe love was, of course before i realized my idea was poisoned by words and failed efforts.
before i knew what it was like to be the sun, i stood under the clouds. i stayed under until reality forced me to adjust my focus, and point it at myself.
i was lost in a mindset of dependency and panic. i thought it was who i would always be, for it’s the only me i knew.
i remember my first panic attack, but only through fuzzy memories. it was terrifying, heavy and uncontrollable. they went away for some time, until the trigger ignited with a romance gone wrong. thats when they changed. when uncontrolled crying became anger, destruction of my own possessions and wreck-less behaviors, i knew i had to get away. i don’t recall whether i experienced many attacks during the break or not, for my trauma consolation is blocking out negative experiences. this is why memory loss occurs with individuals who experience significant traumas. my attacks evolved yet again with a relation that changed most of my mindset for the worst. impending doom sent my mind to its darkest, deepest and most petrifying of places, i became afraid of my potential.
after the sudden and unexpected death of my mom, the early hours the day after she watched me walk across the stage as a graduate nurse, i had to make the conscious efforts to save this soul. i knew i had more to myself than the monster i had inside of me, and i was either going to turn it around right away or lose the battle after all. when i realized i was more than what others made me feel i was, everything changed.
for this life, i will forever fight for, because it’s you that showed me it’s worth. to you momma, this life will stay in the sun. for you, always.
through many, many motivational videos and intuition books, i learned to love myself again. i learned that my silly and goofy personality was not in fact embarrassing, but who many people want to be around. i learned that i was greater than the negative experiences i stood through, and i was not what my anxieties tried telling me. i realized i was worth the love i give so freely, that i did belong here. i believed and loved myself all over again. my last true panic attack came and went like a short michigan storm cloud. i am immensely grateful for the skills and validation i have earned and maintained, to be able to express my emotions in ways that don’t cause panic. my support is full of the most beautiful souls, who i know always have my back.
to someone i was once a needy, emotional and sad person but to the right one i am sensitive, compassionate and kind. to the one who once didn’t understand my humor, i now have someone that giggles beside me to my puns and poorly executed jokes. someone who cherishes moments and is more thoughtful than i could have imagined, i am forever thankful to know him.
i used to be treated with such little respect, begging for the smallest moments of undivided attention or intimacy and now i am blown away by the communication and time i spend with him. i panicked in the past because my feelings were always invalidated and made me feel crazy, but now he sits with me and encourages me when i’m ready to talk, to express all the feelings i have. i used to feel in invisible and unimportant but to him i feel like the greatest part of his world.
i could go on and on about the differences i experience in this excellent and happy life i now live and love to be apart of. our journeys never end, when we continue to be our true selves.
i remember writing once about how you can’t ever expect anyone to notice the little things about you, until you know them yourself. make sure your heart is ready before you move on. make sure you know your true worth, when you find it yourself. don’t allow the opinions of people that aren’t your pure support to affect your dreams and visions of what your life should be. and be okay with the unknown, don’t be afraid to take a risk, for that’s often the precursor for something quite extraordinary. they do say nothing great comes from comfort zones, so let’s go baby-take that risk.
with all else, keep your heart pure with intentions of sincerity with those you love. you’ll never regret it. stay true to you.
xox mi amore