it’s been a really hard day. i’ve had a challenging week and have been stressed keeping up with the cycle of things. living alone is really, really tough. but today, today is a different type of struggle.
i’ve been stuck with the same headache all week, and have been sleeping for ten hours at a time. my friends and loved ones say i am catching up on sleep, but really, i just don’t want to be awake. i’m not strong enough right now.
the thoughts in my mind become overwhelming and no matter how much i try to distract, they keep coming back. they find me in my dreams, triggering night terrors and strong tensions. its nauseating, unsettling and frustrating. i become reserved, quiet and see how distant i can be without anyone noticing.
i hate when i get this way, when grief sends me into a coma of emotion. where i just want to disappear into the air, and blow away with the wind.
for the purpose of this blog, i want to disclose that i am just saddened deeply. i have no intent or pursuit of quitting. today i am not okay, and that’s okay. because tomorrow will come, and i’ll be better.
with that being said, i’ve been thinking a lot today. thinking back to the last time i wanted to stop breathing. i know my time hasn’t come, and i know i’ll be here for a while…my journey is not finished, but i think about my family, friends and everyone else that i know and wonder if i followed through on leaving as i wanted so bad last year, i caress in thought of how their world would feel today. and quite honestly, id rather keep my own self trucking through, than to have my loved ones experience that.
the last really intense moment i was completely alone, panicking about who knows what. back then my attacks were extremely powerful over my body. it was the first and last time i ever hit a wall. it the last time i was heartbroken because the person i thought cared, didn’t (well one of the last times). i truly wanted to die, in those days. i sat for hours, yes, hours, hysterically crying, gagging and screaming for relief from whatever troubled my soul. i rolled around the floor and clenched my hands so tight, just to remember i could feel. i’d feel my pulse and try and remember that i was in fact, very much alive. panic attacks make you feel like you are actually dying. i lost a lot of respect that day for someone i once held dear to my heart. i have never felt so neglected than the moment i knew they wouldn’t come home to ensure my safety. they didn’t care how i was, even with the knowledge of me wanting to leave this earth, and having means within arms reach, they never came home. i wanted nothing more than to find my mom and stay with her in heaven. i wanted security and safety, for i lacked those in my reality. but i chose to stay, i chose to fight and i chose myself.
i really am thankful for my perseverance, and i will never stop saying that. i’ve had one hell of a life, and now is the greatest time to shine. forgive the past, and invite the future.
remember to be gentle to your soul, for you matter. you’re someone’s entire world, speak up if you need help. take accountability for your actions and grow from them.
water your own soil baby