2020 knew i needed you

from the moment i woke up yesterday, i felt impending doom. i knew my body was preparing me for something, but it wasn’t until later that morning i realized what exactly was troubling me.

i tried to lay low around the house and not let intrusive thoughts weigh me down, but i caved as soon as the emergency alert hit my phone.

Deep into a school assignment, i tried my best to stay focused on one task at a time. then my phone rang with an alert i’d been dreading. The inevitable is here. the second wave of covid has been brewing, and we’re in another lockdown. although it’s a little less aggressive than our prior, the trigger ignited all the trauma and post stress from the first hit.

it was within my first year of nursing when i became an impromptu progressive care nurse, caring for patients on my floor and others’, with COVID 19. when we’d have to change into surgical scrubs before work and wear PPE from head to toe before entering rooms. it’s where i was unable to provide true compassionate care because we had to get in and out of the rooms as fast as we could, to avoid prolonged exposure. it’s traumatic to think about, all the patients alone and frightened at what’s to come, and me deeply affected because there wasn’t anything i could do to help.

needless to say, i lost a lot of my spark with that message. i wasn’t sure i could actually mentally or physically handle going through that again. i became very distracted and withdrawn almost immediately. i was in a calm panic, where i told myself i wouldn’t be more than just a matter of existence. somehow that felt settling.

what i hadn’t realized until a while later, the one thing i truly was afraid of was losing you.

i read something yesterday that couldn’t have been more true. 2020 gave you someone to help you survive it. thank you for being mine.

I wish for even a split moment you could truly feel my immense gratitude for you, because i simply can not emphasize enough your place of value in my life. the way you remain attentive and receptive to my needs, your sensitivity to my traumas, your thoughtfulness and compassion, your humor and silliness to make me smile-you are the most incredible human i’ve ever known. there are so many things i cherish about you, but my favorite is laying on your chest with your arms around me, as i snuggle next to the one that keeps my soul calm yet rejuvenated at the same time. thank you for being my safety.

i could never have imagined being around someone so absolutely incredible. it’s mesmerizing: the look in your eyes when you’re gazing into mine, the grin you get when we use code words, the smile that projects light into any gray space, a heart so inviting and thoughtful, i just want to keep it safe, a laugh so pure it fuels my heart. i seriously could keep going for hours, i’m so in awe over you.

you amaze me.

i seriously am so proud to be able to radiate this happiness you help me create. each day you still manage to surprise me, and each day i have a new reason for being the luckiest girl in the world.

i guess i’ve been in situations that left me broken, and to finally have you in my life makes me worry somehow i’ll mess it all up. i know i have a lot to learn, and more to unlearn, and i truly thank you for your patience and consistent efforts thus far.

i know that regardless of world events, what we have together won’t change. if one thing is for certain, we surely can handle the long distance style relationship even though we’re minutes apart. we also know our productivity looks a little different sometimes, but we can still spend quality time in other ways. we know we have each-other, no matter what is thrown our way. and most importantly, we have our first pinky promise.

without a doubt, i’ll always be by your side. i can’t give you the world, but i’ll spend any moment of any day trying.

thank you for being my constant ❤️

remember to slow down when your mind speeds up. intrusive thoughts shoot continuous rounds of toxic words and triggers deepest fears. learn the root of your anxiety, find the source. the moments may feel like decades, but they will soon bring you peace.

and if you’re unsure what to do, contact your support people and be honest with your feelings. supportive partners and friends will listen and ask what you need, or they may encourage you to do some mindless activity to get past. whatever it may be, stay true to yourself and your feelings. the right ones will never leave, even if you show them your vulnerable side.

all for now mi amore


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just a girl who lives on sarcasm, compassion and emotions. trying to make my way into the life I've always dreamed of. Writing through travels in van life and travel nursing from coast to coast. Mental wellness advocator, creative writer, nomad and travel nurse here. :)

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