for the first time in three months, i could feel again
I felt pure-hearted joy again.
I can’t truly explain the world I was trapped in, but I can try.
She woke up each day with less fight, less energy, and even greater fears. She sees flashbacks of previous panic and depressed states and prays she remembers the steps to come back out. But she isn’t doing well… If you look close enough, you can see her fading away as the days progress into weeks, months. Just look at her eyes. Nobody will.
Four dark gray walls surround my existence. The simple beginning of it all, this “episode”, started with clouds. They got darker and more condensed, until they filled my entire mind. I couldn’t feel the sunshine anymore. I became sharp, I was unpleasant and increasingly so, with unremarkable effect to fight. The panic came as waves of rainfall. It was violent downpour with high windstorms and came down like sharp knives thrown from a thousand-feet-tall building. My energy was flammable, and I lit up the room in every bad way. My presence pierced and landed less than ideal impressions on those I knew. It worsened , as thunder erupted and sent a message to shut down. I became absolutely obstructed. My personality was taken over by the soul of absolute nothingness. The way I acted, the things I said, were not me, not the me I know I am. They were the depression me, the version that doesn’t want to be here. The one that wants to destruct the happy Bree, because she is powerful and beautiful and strong, but it wants her gone. it happened as the things I found most beautiful and incredible in the world suddenly felt apathetic. I was irritable and hostile, wanting nothing to do with anybody. But then wondered why nobody wanted me. It’s confusing as fuck, I know; It’s manipulative and inappropriate behavior. One absolutely not material of a wife or mother. I acted out for attention praying someone would notice I needed help. I wanted to sabotage all relationships with family and friends and wanted to truly run away and disappear. I feared the reality of my demons but was equally being suffocated by them. I also fear the feeling of being…okay.But today, after months of this…I felt.
I went to work and was greeted with embrace by a couple coworkers, just because. I got free expresso from one of the physicians, just because. I had great patients and good rapport. I smiled, and meant it. I laughed with intent. I looked in the mirror and saw the sparkle back in my eyes. I SAW THE FUCKING SPARKLE!!! My soul was shining again, I cold feel the sunshine. Whollllly shit. I remembered the rush of love and joy I get when I see newborns. I lit up seeing a picture of one today, and I couldn’t stop smiling afterwords. Bree, you just eeeeeeked at a baby! BABY YOU’RE BACK. My soul is smiling again. I know we both felt the relief. I remembered how to feel love again. I wiggled and scrunched my face. I felt it today, I FELT.
A few months since this draft began have passed. Yesterday my world changed and I didn’t realize until now, is for the best. Unfortunately, sometimes we are incorrect in our choices for romance, although we can learn and still appreciate the chances offered during those times. I learned what it felt like to be respected, adored and admired for at least half of the relationship. A similar ending as I’ve experienced, support was shown as distance, and my yearn and wish for attention came off as fighting and became a “reason” for the leave. Kinda a cop out I think. I heard the right one won’t do that. Deep down I knew I was adapting my personality to succumb to behaviors I wasn’t truly comfortable with. I wish I could have realized that then though. Maybe this wouldn’t have been such a shocking revolution.
But I am okay today. 🙂
I had a great morning, afternoon and soon evening. I was productive, creative and inspiring. I processed and focused on self goals and methods of accomplishing them.
Today I am well.