i highly recommend you write a letter to the inner self of yours left suffering in the corner of your existence. i’ve written mine a few times this week, and shit-let me tell you, it blew my mind. I changed and adapted to a new perspective of this inner self.
mine could be envisioned as a little blonde hair, blue eyed green bean girl, with just an eye peaking around from behind the door. she’s shaking and purely terrified of the world around her. she keeps saying “everyone leaves” in the whispers of the hall
“i’m so sorry” i said, as i looked in her direction. “for not listening to you, for not knowing what you needed, for not knowing how to love you”
I told her i’d like it if she trusted me this time, to be her person. she knows and she has proof that everyone leaves, as it’s happened with every relationship since her first. even some friendships too, gone as she is disposable. she’s explains to me how she feels: too much of this and not enough of that. soon efforts fade from her relations. and then they’re over. she started weeping inconsolably.
But i begged for her to let big B be there this time.
the two embraced in their spiritual realm and a new destiny began.
as i began following more of my current needs and body’s demands, i began to hear little b. louder and more confidently. “rest” she said, listen or i’ll force the body into a mood, tantrum or outburst. So i rested. “Be active” she said, as she wanted to let out some energies. “Write”, she said. because she knew it was our first and best way to communicate, and a beginning to a whole new chapter in my life.
i’ve paid more attention to the things i do and wondered my reasonings behind it. lll share a few:
i say i love you often, to my friends and family, because my great friend Zoe always does and i never want my friends to question if they’re loved. i’m also big into reassurance and i love giving it to those who appreciate it!
i listen to Beethoven to concentrate because the sounds of piano are romantic and calming to my hectic firing mind. i’d also really really love to take piano lessons and learn how to play myself. i’ve always found the calm of a piano hum comforting
i say what’s on my mind because i want other people to have the courage to speak up if they feel the need as well. i never want someone to feel like their voice doesn’t matter, because it certainly does. i speak up because once i was afraid too, and my voice remained silent for far too long.
i send good morning texts across my friends list and offer words of encouragement and praise at random. i love putting smiles on my friends faces and reminding them why they’re loved so so much by me and so many others! also, small gestures can make huge impacts.
i joke a lot about my mom leaving the earth without notice, because it breaks up the emotion into a reasonable pattern. she didn’t want me crying anyways, i know she’s here beside me often.
when i lose things-especially like twice in five minutes-i look up and say “thanks brenda (mom) now help me find it” because i think my mom plays pranks on me from heaven and hides my shit in plain sight sometimes just for shits and giggles.
i sit at parks and gaze into the sky because i never knew what true peace felt like until now. i also wonder what heaven is like, if there’s purpose behind the sun shining behind and through the clouds. are there patterns or signs from loved ones up there?
i snort when i laugh because i laugh hysterically, i also snort more when other people laugh at me snorting which just causes a cycle. it’s pretty therapeutic so i don’t avoid it 😉
anyways, i love these little traits and qualities of mine!
little b and big b have some learning to do! but they’re both dedicated to another, ready and motivated to be the best they can as one
this is finished for now and i may add more later
all for now