My absence here is solely related to the business of my hectic life the past three weeks. Everything is lovely, I’m just saying, shits been busy. haha
I’ve decided to make some more life-altering decisions and am going to settle here in Ca for a while. With that comes an apartment-a stable house and shelter-with even the most basic of resources, but is also immensely beautiful in design. A place with security, a place for memories and furniture and gatherings and home cooked meals. A place where things I yearned became reality again. This decision came to me and was made with much consideration, reflection and thought.
I was full of anxiety, a week of discomfort and fright. A week of shortness of breath, so much so that surgical masks ignite my flight response and is where panic enters with ease. Headaches, pounding against the pressure inside my head, my eyes felt as if they protruded from the pain and pressure underneath my skull, stomachache so discomforting no amounts of food or craving held my desires. Hormones out of their traditional cycle, as stress sent my body into hyperdrive, I was not doing well. I had to dig deep to identify the trigger. I was staying in an Airbnb, from hotel, to hotel. I was sure that had something to do with the uneasiness I felt. After a few journal entries I realized the issue was the lack of consistency in my own life. I had previously wondered, but hadn’t worried, about how I was going to handle such an open, care-free lifestyle. I knew it was going to catch up with me, just wasn’t sure when it would. The hardest thing to face was me thinking I was too indecisive in life. But what does that matter? I can make as many decisions as I please, and go back and fourth until I have it all figured out. I rest my case, none the less. I had nothing consistent in my personal life for the first travel nurse contract in Virginia. I realized had been yearning the consistency the whole time, and here I am getting it.
I moved into a two bedroom apartment for the next so many months, a beautiful luxury apartment here in California. I am nesting and am truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my van, and the lifestyle behind van life, but I need to follow my mental and physical wellness, as this is what I need in life right now. A place to call home, a space to be. A place to wander, a belonging, a purposeful location. A desk to write and ignite my creativity, a bed to rest, a shower to rinse, a kitchen to create; those are things I am missing and yearning at this time. Those are the things I chase today. Those are the things I am advocating for.
The great thing is that with this, I can actually plan out more things to do with the van. I’m considering buying a small car (for a few reasons). Mostly to have greater ease of access with getting around, better gas mileage, etc. Also, that way I can get my van worked on and renovated more for a weekend type of get away vehicle before I go off on the road again. In this go around, I want the van to be “part time”. I want to take the van when I have days off and go to explore, but otherwise I want to be based out of a home. As many things in my life are, this is is subject to change. Change is reliant on my coping skills and adaptations live at that time.
As I settle into the new place, I feel my anxieties dissipating into the condense air. Ignition of the soul reunited with intentional and meaningful purpose combines the feelings of welcome.
I know this is right. I know this is it.