changes

to be completely transparent, I’ve been lost. I suppose it began once I got pregnant, but it is now I am realizing I have no idea who I am again. Who would have thought a planned pregnancy was going to engage me into these types of feelings, or am I ignorant for not anticipating them at all?

I used to know who I was. I was a woman with a dream, hope and passion. I had hobbies, independence and confidence. I would write at Waffle House early in the mornings, sleep at campsites and wake up to everything nature had to offer. I would take my dog to lunches and enjoyed each moment intentionally. I worked hard, efficiently and productively. I had friends and would hang out with them often. I was sure of my decisions and didn’t have much second thought. I was sure of my actions too, as I did things with intent and purpose. I was confident with who I was. I knew me. I wrote to my inner child often then, spoke with her often, and now I have the slightest idea where she is.

In two short months I will have two children on Earthside. I am absolutely terrified. I have the slightest clue how to be a mom, am I going to make a good one?

The changes my body is going through amazes me, but more so has made me feel more unsure than ever of who I am. it’s a strange transition. I’m too uncomfortable to lay, sit and stand by a certain point never less too tired to want to do anything more than I have too. my nipples leak with golden supplements to which I just began collecting as the babies’ first meals. my hair is thinning and my belly is projecting into new space I need to learn to be aware of. my legs are developing more prominent veins and become swollen without compression socks. sometimes my stomach moves around as the babies do flips or whatever it is they can manage to do in their little spaces. it feels intrusive, beautiful yes, but intrusive.

I hate it here. at least right now I do. because I can’t find my center. I need to find my center. I’m sitting here at my desk with my babies’ first two pictures from a 3D ultrasound aside me. My soul aches for healing, so I can be my best when you’re here. I just want to give you a life you don’t want to run away from, or heal from.

I feel truly beautiful being able to cary my first two children and am incredibly thankful for the opportunity I have been given in life, to bear child. however, on the inside it is hard to distinguish all these changes as good.

so what do I have to do to get me back? how do I find things I care about when I’m too exhausted to do anything above bare minimum? how do I occupy my time in ways that will help me find me again? these are questions I already have the answers too, for I’ve been through this journey before. only difference is, this time its the journey to motherhood.

this is the first step, realizing I need to work on finding me. the second begins now. I must find things that bring me joy, through trial and error. I need to find something I can do independently, and for me, that will occupy time. I need to indulge in self care. I need to sing in the car again. I need to feel confident, smart and productive again. I need to stop being my own burden.

thankful

the last few months have been pretty remarkable. we have unfortunately been tossed and turned by the universe, and feel pretty beat from it. but yah know what, bad things happen to good people too.

we have settled into MI living and completely restarted from ground zero. regardless of the setback, we spring forward. perhaps not too fast, but we do none the less. we know a few things for sure: we are loved, we matter and we belong.

our twins are growing into their beautiful individual selves, and we are so incredibly thrilled to watch us pass each milestone. pregnancy is difficult no matter what, add twins, moving across the country, car accident, and working a nursing bedside job- its means for high stress to say the least. I am immensely grateful for my health and the health of our babies.

emotions arise from my soul when I think about my son and daughter. its surreal to wish for something for so much of your life, and then to just have it at once. the stars could not have been more aligned. I can’t wait to see their features, kiss their toes and watch them learn the means of Earth on the outside. I am excited for so much to come. furthermore, I am proud of my body for nurturing and supporting their growth.

its easy to complain, to see the negatives in any situation. but what builds character is finding the silver linings, the tiny perfect moments that make all the stress some how worth it, that makes us who we are.

so it is with some type of faith I lean on, as well as my angels above, to guide me in the right direction. although it may feel like we are sinking, we also may be close to shooting forward.

find something extra to be grateful for today. because you are loved, you matter, and you belong.

xox

does this make me look engaged

i’ve seriously got to work harder at my writing efforts. i hate starting every blog as “sorry it’s been so long”, or “since it’s been a while”. i continually say i’ll try to do better, as i continually try.

anyways guys, my life is by far the most beautiful story and it just so happens to keep getting greater. let me give yall some evidence.

i first want to thank myself, because if i hadn’t gotten myself out of the rut depression drug me through for over a decade, i’d never see the days i live now.

my last blog was an update on me staying in California for some time. this one is about my new found forever.

if you follow me on other social accounts you know by now, that i’m engaged. much to my surprise, i found a man that gives the love i need, and needs the love i give. we’re soulmates, one hundred percent- without a doubt, we’ve been together in previous world. lucky enough, i know he’d choose me in the next one too. that’s how i knew he was the one.

with the lingering doubts i had previously about never finding a man to build a family with, i am awe at life. doubts dissipate into the air as i tenderly kiss with my new found king, i am thankful for the chance to receive genuine, whole-hearted love. i’m thankful to be able to love again.

guys, he’s more than anything i’d ever dream of, wish upon and construct in my mind. he’s greater than any good news, success, or accomplishment. he is truly incredible. he is selfless, thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic, sensitive, resilient and powerful. he is smart, funny, silly, trusting and honest. he is tall, handsome, bright, shining and extraordinary. he is my yellow, my safe, my person.

gahhh i could talk about him until the sun stops burning, until the trees stop growing and until the air runs out. until the pigs fly and the birds quack, i could go on and on about him.

i’m really excited for the next steps for us. after all, we got the fast track pass to engagement :), who knows what’s in store for us next!

as far as work is concerned, my contract for work has been extended until june, which is great news for me! i’m thankful to have security in this job especially right now, as contracts at some places are being ended early. regardless, I really do need to buckle down and start being serious about saving money rather than spending it on whatever the fuck i want, because we wanna go to hawaii for a contract soon! only thing is, we’d need a hefty savings account first! (we can do it, and we will!). So ill plan

i’m thinking of going to the coast on my next contract, taking a three day a week contract that allows me the chance to breathe and take it all in, this new life of mine. i need some time to just, adjust. somewhere to talk to mom, grandma, Justin and JoJo. somewhere to find peace, sanctuary and serenity. the beach is somewhere i can feel closest to the ones i miss most, it’s where i belong.

like sand in an hourglass

My absence here is solely related to the business of my hectic life the past three weeks. Everything is lovely, I’m just saying, shits been busy. haha

I’ve decided to make some more life-altering decisions and am going to settle here in Ca for a while. With that comes an apartment-a stable house and shelter-with even the most basic of resources, but is also immensely beautiful in design. A place with security, a place for memories and furniture and gatherings and home cooked meals. A place where things I yearned became reality again. This decision came to me and was made with much consideration, reflection and thought.

I was full of anxiety, a week of discomfort and fright. A week of shortness of breath, so much so that surgical masks ignite my flight response and is where panic enters with ease. Headaches, pounding against the pressure inside my head, my eyes felt as if they protruded from the pain and pressure underneath my skull, stomachache so discomforting no amounts of food or craving held my desires. Hormones out of their traditional cycle, as stress sent my body into hyperdrive, I was not doing well. I had to dig deep to identify the trigger. I was staying in an Airbnb, from hotel, to hotel. I was sure that had something to do with the uneasiness I felt. After a few journal entries I realized the issue was the lack of consistency in my own life. I had previously wondered, but hadn’t worried, about how I was going to handle such an open, care-free lifestyle. I knew it was going to catch up with me, just wasn’t sure when it would. The hardest thing to face was me thinking I was too indecisive in life. But what does that matter? I can make as many decisions as I please, and go back and fourth until I have it all figured out. I rest my case, none the less. I had nothing consistent in my personal life for the first travel nurse contract in Virginia. I realized had been yearning the consistency the whole time, and here I am getting it.

I moved into a two bedroom apartment for the next so many months, a beautiful luxury apartment here in California. I am nesting and am truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my van, and the lifestyle behind van life, but I need to follow my mental and physical wellness, as this is what I need in life right now. A place to call home, a space to be. A place to wander, a belonging, a purposeful location. A desk to write and ignite my creativity, a bed to rest, a shower to rinse, a kitchen to create; those are things I am missing and yearning at this time. Those are the things I chase today. Those are the things I am advocating for.

The great thing is that with this, I can actually plan out more things to do with the van. I’m considering buying a small car (for a few reasons). Mostly to have greater ease of access with getting around, better gas mileage, etc. Also, that way I can get my van worked on and renovated more for a weekend type of get away vehicle before I go off on the road again. In this go around, I want the van to be “part time”. I want to take the van when I have days off and go to explore, but otherwise I want to be based out of a home. As many things in my life are, this is is subject to change. Change is reliant on my coping skills and adaptations live at that time.

As I settle into the new place, I feel my anxieties dissipating into the condense air. Ignition of the soul reunited with intentional and meaningful purpose combines the feelings of welcome.

I know this is right. I know this is it.

xox

i found home

i know it seems i may be jumping the gun but i definitely found my forever home in Colorado. i flew in yesterday after my virginia contract ended for a vacation before my california job starts. shoutout to my homies in the 757! but i have been yearning for a place to feel like home, a feeling i actually haven’t had in this lifetime. i was born and raised in Ann Arbor, MI and honestly it wasn’t a place for me. where violence, poverty and self doubt protruded my lifestyle-i left my michigan self behind; i was depressed and always anxious, i left her because i knew this bree was ready. and this bree is here.

from the first moments of breathing in their crisp air i just new this place was something different. my first encounter with mountain views absolutely took my breath away and i cant help but get carried away gazing at their beauty. i seriously cant be anything but in absolute awe with this place.

im not sure how long ill be here this vacation, or what exactly i wanna do on this needed time off work but im listening to my body, for what i need i will give.

im currently waiting for the sun to creep above the mountaintops debating on todays moves. i’m thinking about what i want my day to look like. theres the royal gorge bridge. hot springs and tons of cute spots to visit. theres writing, journaling and soothing activities as well.

if anything comes out of this vacation, its relaxation that i want. its unwinding and centering myself back to equilibrium. its finding comfort in the beginning again, where you know nowhere and noone at all. its breakfast lunch and dinners embraced in your own company. its becoming your own companion. thats the strongest, most independent thing we can be.

when i started this travel nursing journey my top goal was to be the safe space i need for me. to not create responsibility onto a lover or friend when you should be able to do it for yourself. that was one of my flaws, i made safety into my partner. now, im not saying you shouldn’t feel safe, but they shouldn’t be your sole source of safe-holding. when i was in a panic i 100% needed their presence, but now, i need mine.

if yall take anything out of my blogs please take this: if life doesn’t feel right to you in your gut, it probably isn’t the one you should be living. life is a beautiful handwritten book we each have the capability to create. write on

i love plane rides because i get to dance in the sky with momma and jd 💚💜

with all else, love more

xox

more than a nurse

i can’t recall the exact moment i realized my care was especially different than most nurses, but i know damn well it is. i strive to make patients feel heard, adapted and fought for. i want them to know they are safe, under my care, and that i will advocate for them if needed. i need them to trust me. and with the last two and a half years under my belt, i think i finally can take the credit where it is deserved. I change lives, i influence lives and i heal. I am a badass.

its more often compared to others’ that i get tremendous bonds with my patients in comparison, but what they don’t realize is my holistic ways are what set me apart. therapeutic touch, active listening, brutal honesty, education are just a few things i do in my care to make sure patients know who i am for them.

my first travel assignment is coming to an end, and i have an absolutely remarkable individual to speak on. she was my patient for quite some time, turned friend. although this may ruffle some feathers that i “cross boundaries” between ethical care and unethical, i truly believe the risk to be worthy. if i can change someone’s life just be listening to them, just by hugging them, by showing them i too, am human, than damnit…im going too do it. you can’t take my personality out of my career, you just can’t. thats what makes my nursing as uniquely beautiful and craved/requested as it is.

when i saw her the first time, i felt the pain she was enduring. not the physical pain i knew she was in, but the emotional turmoil. the heaviness in her chest because she knew her life was completely upside down.

i opened the door and listened. i listened to her story, her voice, her presence. i felt scared, as was she, i felt lost, as was she, i felt hurt, as. was. she. i felt like pieces at the end of shattered glass. i felt silent.

it was my mom she deeply and so quickly reminded me of. the natural beauty she carried, the smile in her eyes, the strength in her voice, all similar to mom. the abuse and years and years of occurrences that didn’t treat her well, i saw pain and sorrow and years of being strong for everyone else but her. i saw how i could help.

and from that day on, i wanted to show her, to be her, inspiration to never giving up. i wanted to show her how she inspired me, how she brought me to the best version of myself during all the conversations, laughs and tears we’d share. mostly, i wanted her to know she was loved, cared for and respected.

no matter the miles between us, we are together at heart. i promise, you’ll always be near. you’ll always be here.

in the 757

we’ve all heard it, a thousand times, “when one door closes, another opens”. Is that such the case?

my time in virgnia is near end and as i sit here thinking about how excited i am to continue the journey, i’m quite sensitive to the idea of leaving all my new found friends. although it is not goodbye forever, it’s goodbye for a while. i can only hope and pursue consistency in my efforts-and in theirs, to remain close while i continue to travel and chase my dreams. i extended wishes for a “last hurrah” to get pictures and memories to cherish as I go forward. i absolutely want to remember everyone i got the pleasure of getting to know here, and those who got to know me. i can surely say i am extremely thankful for my time here, my friends here, and the experience and patient bonds i established here. i wish i could personally thank each and every person who held influence on me in virginia, but that’d be quite an emotional experience and one franky, i’d wish to neglect at this time.

i know i began this journey with my eyes on one prize, but i can’t help but yearn the love i still want to eventually have with someone. although i am particularly focused on myself at large, i miss deep and stimulating conversation, emotional connection, chivalry, and intimacy with someone consistently. with my lifestyle i either will find someone with the capability to travel aside me, a long distance relation, or a short term affair- (no, not the cheating type). i’m not quite sure which i’d be most accepting of, but ill wait to find out.

the other day my therapist made me realize something. to the men, i’m a total catch. i work hard, am educated, have a great personality, have positive outlooks, am self aware, and goal oriented and more. i am a total fucking catch for theses boys. the problem arises them not being a catch for me. i need to not worry if “i’m good enough for them” but rather, are they good enough for me.

so until i find that special individual with the striking personality to sweep me off my feet it will remain I on this adventure, and i’m perfectly okay with that.

i recently (today) began planning a rough outline of my trip across the US. just last week i thought i was going to NC but had an unexpected call from my recruiter about a contract i simply could not pass up-CALIFORNIA. So here she goes, little miss Bree, all the way across the US. i’m really in my feelings the last couple of days because it is really challenging to remain close to my new friends, knowing im leaving them all soon. I feel awful, i feel like im inducing sadness where it shouldn’t be. I know my feelings are wrong, and I know people can tell i’ve been more distant but I can’t really help it. my body is preparing me for the solo journey that is to come very quickly. . its not just to protect them, its to protect me. its me processing the alone feeling i haven’t had in a little while. its eating and being hydrated, its finding safe spaces to park to sleep, rest and break between routes. its listening to little b’s voice, the girl i haven’t heard from much lately. its a lot more than protecting my friends.

with my new destination in track I hope to get a few things under wraps. initially, oil change and brake check, see if i need two or more new tires (also need a spare), perhaps a ladder or basket for the back of the van, and new speakers. I really hope the speakers work out because i wanna blast music on the road and i can’t really listen to alot of my normal stuff with the shitty ones from the factory.

with the holidays coming around i’m doing something very special for a family or two. i won’t share much except that, for i don’t need recognition. i just want to make it special for a familiy that deserves a break. im thankful for the chance, i can definitely help make that a reality to some.

not sure what else there is to update. . but stay tuned for more

xox

progress

I’ve been quite the busy bee lately, it’s time for an update.

Aside from not coping well with my brothers death, (well not at all actually), and working strenuous weeks, I’m tired. I am tired but I am well.

I am proud to announce (to whoever ends up here) that I finished my BSN-RN and am now a proud holder of my Bachelor’s in Nursing. I am disheartened at the fact that I’m done with school again. This time is different. When I finished my surgical technology program, I knew I was going back for my RN. When I finished my RN associates. I knew I’d be back for my BSN. This time, I’m done. I will pursue my masters degree and eventually become a case manager, but until then-It’s my time. It’s time for me to learn who Bree is, without the business of full time work and school. To be honest, I’m not sure how I managed to complete all I’ve done while managing work and mental health and friends, family and relationships at large. I’m a fucking star. It’s time for me to expand my busy work attitude and self into something new, exciting and full of new opportunities.

I hear a lot of people saying “I don’t know how you do it”, fuck, I surely don’t either. I just do. I managed my depression and remained functional through severe episodes for years, until it took me into an ER each time. I managed my traumas until they backfired and turned into rage and a new panic disorder. I managed my symptoms until they were dealt with, until they turned into lessons. Until they helped me grow. I managed me.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to make so many friends here in Virginia, but my time here is nearing an end. I am so thankful for the ones who ensured my safety, invited me out, fed me and helped me keep access to running water and electricity. It would have been much more challenging without y’all, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. My next adventure is going to be North Carolina. I so thankfully inspired a friend from Michigan who is going to be coming down as well for her first assignment! I can’t wait to have a buddy from home nearby. I still plan on making myself my own spot by camping and know that’s what is best for me, but having someone from my original town is going to feel amazing. I am so thankful to be such a positive influence on people, as that is what my journey is about! Not only am I inspiring myself by pursuing all my dreams, but I am influencing others and speaking up for those who hold voices quieter than mine.

I haven’t spoken much about mental health and coping, so the following blog will be inclusive of that. What I can touch on now is a project I just started.

A BOOK.

A Book by Bree.

I am going to be writing a memoir, to share the wonderful wisdom I’ve learned from life thus far. My struggle, trauma and personal business out for anyone to read. I hope to continue to inspire others to be their true most authentic self, I hope to help people chase the dreams they didn’t think they could pursue and I want to ultimately guide your mental wellness into the most positive it can be. After all, we all deserve happiness on Earth.

I am so thankful for my time on this Earth being one full of positivity, inspiration and hard working success. I am well determined to ensure the life I life is that to be so proud of, one to make an impact on thousands of people. If I can change one perspective, make someone’s bad day less bad, or remind people why they belong on this planet, I’ve done my diligence.

Ollie has been doing wonderful despite me accidently tearing off a piece from the bottom of the side panel. Idk what it’s called, but its easily fixable. I just need the time to meet a friend so he can fix it. I would like to add a ladder, but with the cold front coming, I’m sure I will delay that until spring.

My financial goals are to first pay off my van. I haven’t had it more than four months but it’s the highest accruing loan I have. After that, I will need four-six months to save money to pay off my student loan debt entirely.

All for now,

with all else, love more

xox

hey bubby…

I am so sorry you thought this world was one better without you. I’m sorry the world turned into something that you thought you couldn’t or shouldn’t be apart of. I’m sorry you felt so alone in a world in which you enlightened the lives of everyone you were around. Im sorry if you couldn’t feel the warmth in the sunshine, the breeze on a beach, or the vibrant world we live in as it was. I’m sorry if you were feeling like the only one you had to talk to was mom. Im sorry you felt like you had to go. I’m sorry you were left in this hard world without her for some time. I’m oh so damn sorry, that you’re gone.

I can only hope that she found you right away-Mom-that is. You told me how you felt her push you out of the half-life you were momentarily in, shoving you back into this physical world only a year ago. I wish you would have told me more since then. I wish you had me to have leaned on. I wish I could hear about how dark the days were, how gray the world became, and how you felt like leaving was the only option. I would have loved to had heard anything from you. Now, I can only wish for the things that could have maybe kept you here. Selfish, I know. But, I can wish for more.

I can wish you found peace, hope and laughter. I can wish you feel well again. I wish you can smile, laugh and hug those you’ve missed for quite some time. I wish you safety and security and joy. I hope you found a calm, safe place to nest. I hope you feel relieved, I hope you feel happiness. I hope you feel safe there. I hope you are pain free, and playing football again. I hope you’re meeting you idols, the ones that are in Heaven with you. I hope you feel warm again.

Justin, feel the beautiful delicacy between your fingers as you brush them between a rose petal, or the beauty that radiates around you and your kids-FEEL THAT! Feel the warmth around your skin as you transition into an angel. Grab the nearest longboard and go find all the ones we’ve missed! Go get em kid, go get em!

I hope you feel safe and supported there, I hope you have your spark back. I hope you can feel the passion behind hope again, that the skies are bluer and the clouds are gone. that the sun is brighter, that your storm subsided. I pray for you. I hope for you, I love for you.

I hope your dimple smile is gazing through the beautiful Heaven, shining down on us all. I hope you are learning how to be an angel, after all, you have quite the team of helpers up there. I hope you’re with Jojo, Mom, Carebear and Grandma. I hope you’re hugging them, and I hope their hugging you. I hope you found it is okay to be vulnerable up there, that safety surrounds you.

As you know, i love you very much. That will never change.

projection is a reflection

“Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done”. -Unknown

what does your version of self-love entail? is it on the surface of the earth or the depths of such?

we often fail to recognize the projection of love we express, rather than understand our influences to the outer world with our individuality. all too familiar are sounds of negativity and disgrace about oneself, from the people we share life around. where children hear the sounds of you shaming the body that gave them life, just because it changed or has marks from carrying and growing a fetus-a baby. where we doubt our intelligence but merely confuse it with simply lack of exposure. when voices chirp complaints about not being enough of something, but to whom are we comparing too? when we contrast the idea of a perfect image, who decided or taught you what to hold standards too?

when we are young, we are programmed to think and act to a way of someone else’s desire. when is it that we take charge for ourselves? when do we realize the idea of a person’s perfection should be entirely one true to themselves?

beauty is forgiving. beauty is unique to each of us. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the perspective of one of all things in life.

wouldn’t it be nice if we could choose how our brains projected the image society molded into us, that to be beautiful you must be: this that and the other. how about we just forget that bull shit entirely, beauty is you.

so before you start the sentences that neglect your body and true self, remember one thing: someone can hear you, someone is learning how to love themselves with influence to how you love yours. show it mercy, show it strength, show it love.

mi amore, please love yourself

xox