a letter

I’ve been meaning to write you. The timing just wasn’t right, until now.

June 25, 2021

dear future husband,

I can’t wait to embrace you with my ever-so-tender love. I dream of the moments you hold me in your arms, where I actually am safe forever.

I can’t wait to meet you. I have waited so so long and endured horrendous heartache to find you. I learned a lot on the way. I am here to warn you, I am overwhelming. I feel heavy and intently and carry passion and fight for those I love. I am so much, or so little. Sometimes it gets really dark in my head, and I’ll really need your help to stay above the darkness. I promise though, it will be worth it. I know I am worth it. We will create the most extraordinary life together. I will love you with my entire soul, and through every reality I will and do seek you.

I can’t wait for the days of our progression. Yah know, milestones. I didn’t quite have positive celebrations growing up and I can’t wait to have that with you. You’ll be so proud of the things I’m about to start doing, I can’t wait to tell you about it! I wonder where along the journey I will meet you. I know right now I am making myself the priority, because I am learning and evolving each and every day. I am processing emotions and grief and need some time to work it all out before I can be the best for me, and you. But I will create a scrapbook, and only hope to put you in it one day, and reflect on that moment years down the road.

I dream of us building together. A foundation of trust, respect and effort. A conscious and consistent, everlasting and unconditional type of love. I see us with a family, one with traditions and closeness and backyard bbq’s. I see laughter, communication, support and quality between us. I see the same fire I emit as my love for you, in your reflection too. For this is when I will know it is you, my charming delicate man.

For now, I must suspend this letter, as its remains contain information only known to the writer, and must be unwritten at this time.

Perhaps there is more to unwind here, but for now this is all

please don’t ever neglect the true meaning of love. it holds tremendous power and passion, a force to never manipulate.

stay kind mi amore,

xox

Breemix/update

for the first time in three months, i could feel again

I felt pure-hearted joy again.

I can’t truly explain the world I was trapped in, but I can try.

She woke up each day with less fight, less energy, and even greater fears. She sees flashbacks of previous panic and depressed states and prays she remembers the steps to come back out. But she isn’t doing well… If you look close enough, you can see her fading away as the days progress into weeks, months. Just look at her eyes. Nobody will.

Four dark gray walls surround my existence. The simple beginning of it all, this “episode”, started with clouds. They got darker and more condensed, until they filled my entire mind. I couldn’t feel the sunshine anymore. I became sharp, I was unpleasant and increasingly so, with unremarkable effect to fight. The panic came as waves of rainfall. It was violent downpour with high windstorms and came down like sharp knives thrown from a thousand-feet-tall building. My energy was flammable, and I lit up the room in every bad way. My presence pierced and landed less than ideal impressions on those I knew. It worsened , as thunder erupted and sent a message to shut down. I became absolutely obstructed. My personality was taken over by the soul of absolute nothingness. The way I acted, the things I said, were not me, not the me I know I am. They were the depression me, the version that doesn’t want to be here. The one that wants to destruct the happy Bree, because she is powerful and beautiful and strong, but it wants her gone. it happened as the things I found most beautiful and incredible in the world suddenly felt apathetic. I was irritable and hostile, wanting nothing to do with anybody. But then wondered why nobody wanted me. It’s confusing as fuck, I know; It’s manipulative and inappropriate behavior. One absolutely not material of a wife or mother. I acted out for attention praying someone would notice I needed help. I wanted to sabotage all relationships with family and friends and wanted to truly run away and disappear. I feared the reality of my demons but was equally being suffocated by them. I also fear the feeling of being…okay.

But today, after months of this…I felt.

I went to work and was greeted with embrace by a couple coworkers, just because. I got free expresso from one of the physicians, just because. I had great patients and good rapport. I smiled, and meant it. I laughed with intent. I looked in the mirror and saw the sparkle back in my eyes. I SAW THE FUCKING SPARKLE!!! My soul was shining again, I cold feel the sunshine. Whollllly shit. I remembered the rush of love and joy I get when I see newborns. I lit up seeing a picture of one today, and I couldn’t stop smiling afterwords. Bree, you just eeeeeeked at a baby! BABY YOU’RE BACK. My soul is smiling again. I know we both felt the relief. I remembered how to feel love again. I wiggled and scrunched my face. I felt it today, I FELT.

JUMP AHEAD

A few months since this draft began have passed. Yesterday my world changed and I didn’t realize until now, is for the best. Unfortunately, sometimes we are incorrect in our choices for romance, although we can learn and still appreciate the chances offered during those times. I learned what it felt like to be respected, adored and admired for at least half of the relationship. A similar ending as I’ve experienced, support was shown as distance, and my yearn and wish for attention came off as fighting and became a “reason” for the leave. Kinda a cop out I think. I heard the right one won’t do that. Deep down I knew I was adapting my personality to succumb to behaviors I wasn’t truly comfortable with. I wish I could have realized that then though. Maybe this wouldn’t have been such a shocking revolution.

But I am okay today. 🙂

I had a great morning, afternoon and soon evening. I was productive, creative and inspiring. I processed and focused on self goals and methods of accomplishing them.

Today I am well.

xox

first day

most of my success in life sprouted from the doubt of others. finishing high school, getting my nursing assistant certification, finishing surgical tech school and even nursing school. through all those successes i fought doubt from many directions, and successfully proved them all what i can handle. i’d have to say, my most recent transition into ICU has been all me. i actually didn’t have any vocal doubters, and i’d have to admit it may have given me some false or early confidence.

regardless, i finished my orientation and knew i was making an impact. family members would vocalize my sincerity and gentle approach with their loved ones and patients would express themselves with music or therapeutic touch. little responses mean a lot in my nursing world now, and response to music is quite an emotional experience to be apart of.

as i approach my first shift riding solo i have to remember the first day i shadowed down this unit. the knowledge nurses had and new equipment i’ve never been exposed too was overwhelming at the least, but through the fear i kept going. as one of the new baby nurses down there i know and recognize i have so so much more to learn, and am so excited for the opportunity to treat patients through the hardest times in their life. the intensity and acuity of the population i care for is engaging and triggering to my education and advancement of clinical skills. i’m ready, today i am ready.

i hope that my time in nursing impacts each patient in some type of positive way. i just want them to know they’re truly cared about, in all hierarchy of needs.

i know i am the one who put in the physical work here but i have to credit the one by my side the whole time. i’ve never been encouraged like you encourage me, or pushed to my potential. i’ve never been so supported and confident to pursue an actual dream position. i get to legitimately save lives, and as time goes on, my skills will adapt and develop into one exquisite badass nurse.

so thank you to my best friend, my love, my biggest fan and hype man around for teaching me more and more about myself. thank you for giving me the ability and security to grow on my own, while we also grow together. its our bond that i cherish so deeply and i am incredibly thankful to have you at my side. i simply can not wait to be by your side celebrating your accomplishments next!

so to the family and friends i haven’t reached out too, i’m doing well. to the ones i haven’t spoken too in months or longer, i support you from afar. to the ones who simply got by this last year, it’s okay! you can only truly fail if you give up on yourself.

hustle hard and fight for what you want, i promise you won’t regret it

all for now

xox

It surely has been a while, but I’m back. I’ve truly missed diving into the divine world of writing and am glad to have a chance to express what’s been going on in my neck of the woods again.

I would like to start by recognizing the progress I have made this year. All too often I find myself discrediting my accomplishments to avoid seeming cocky, but I’ll be damned if I undermine myself again. I transferred into a new job role and finally feel like I earned the title I now carry. Transitioning into a new role was really hard for me, days turned into weeks of me feeling like an imposter. After a few incredible beautiful moments with my patient’s and their families, I know I am perfect for this role. I carry the traits to encourage my never-ending learning, empathy to always care about the care I give, and dedication to make an impression on each patient. I am the lucky one.

Through a steep role transition I even maintained my studies and continued my journey to obtaining those three letters..BSN…coming to the end of my name soon.

Not only am I excelling in my career, I am also still so absolutely head over heels for my man. I have never been so supported and am thankful to be the recipient of true love. Through the last three months our bond has become extraordinary. We have pushed each other to achieve greatness within ourselves, coming together with immense force. With him, I am me. I have fully accepted that the misguidance I experienced in my past has lead and driven me into the love I never knew was attainable. The type I never thought I deserved. With you, it’s safe.

I have never been so at ease with life, until you.

All for now,

xox

Updateeeee

I took a break from publishing for some time, frankly because I wasn’t ready to indulge the eyes of readers with my personal life. I still am not particularly open to sharing much, however I do want to write today.

I have been truly living in a dream. I am constantly in awe with the life I manifested, and for the people who helped me get here. What can I say, its a breath of fresh air.

I am insanely proud of my career steps, and am settling into my new role. Its quite an adjustment from the population I’m used too, but I only take jumps when I know I will land them. I worried for some time that I wasn’t qualified for the position, until I realized nobody is at first. I begin each day with a clear mind, positive affirmation and goal.

I am also still working on my bachelors degree. I can’t believe it, but I think I’ll be finished before I even thought was possible! GO ME!! I have a strong feeling I will be bored out of my mind without the endless amounts of work to do though. I suppose nursing school “busy work” has continued into an endless game of how much can Bree do at once? . One of my first professors sees me occasionally and comments on the success I’ve endured since my early surgical tech days: “You always had the hustle in you, I knew you’d keep chugging”. She’s right. I’m not sure when I’ll stop, so until then forward is forward.

Someone really special to me recently said, “The only way you’ll ever fail is if you quit”. He’s right. My stubborn attributes have gotten me this far, why would I ever quit on myself?

Aside from the career strides, my personal life has been astonishing. Although, I can’t formulate a sentence adequately describing the authenticity and genuine connection I have with him. Hear me out, words are powerful. They pierce your soul with emotion and connections beyond the physical world. However, when two people share what we share, it’s mesmerizing. The intensity and passion we share, the laughter and memories we hold, I just can’t help my amazement.

I used to dream of things I wanted my future to hold. Now I can open my eyes, because I have it all.

Thank you Mi Amore,

xox

christmas wish

hey ma, it’s me again

as the second Christmas without you begins i can only hope you’re celebrating up there. i hope you can see all your grandbabies, i know they made you the happiest in the world down here on earth. MOM!!! you now have 4 total! those kids poppin em out like it’s easy 😂 and who knows, there may be more, i’m not sure. i also hope you’re able to spend your Christmas with all our family up there. tel jojo, carebear and grandma that we all miss them so so much. i’m glad they have you to laugh with.

i am sure you noticed how quiet i’ve been in the last two months. i haven’t felt much like myself. this season has been really difficult but i think i’m starting to come back around. i made sure to send those holiday cards to strangers, the tradition i started last year for you. it was hard to do this year but i did it. when i am writing, i can tell you’re with me. i know you’re proud that i started it, and i promise i won’t stop.

i also wanted to mention that i change jobs soon. i can’t count the times i’ve grabbed my phone to call and tell you this. i’m really nervous but i know i have the resources i need to succeed, i just have to follow through and prove to myself that i can do it. i can feel your support as a calm energy around me, and i’m somehow not so scared to transition into this critical care journey.

and you’ve definitely been around to notice this man mom, i swear you’d be in awe over him. that’s what makes me the most sad, you two won’t ever be able to meet. i know you’re proud that i finally have someone that encourages and supports me in all my forms. someone that actually appreciates me and treats me like an actual queen. ma, i could have never dreamed to have someone as incredible as him, and every day i have another reason why i’m actually the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. life without you is really really tough, but momma-he keeps me strong and safe and i know you appreciate that. i know you can see us from above, so keep us and our families safe from up there and we’ll handle the stuff down here.

i miss you always

2020 knew i needed you

from the moment i woke up yesterday, i felt impending doom. i knew my body was preparing me for something, but it wasn’t until later that morning i realized what exactly was troubling me.

i tried to lay low around the house and not let intrusive thoughts weigh me down, but i caved as soon as the emergency alert hit my phone.

Deep into a school assignment, i tried my best to stay focused on one task at a time. then my phone rang with an alert i’d been dreading. The inevitable is here. the second wave of covid has been brewing, and we’re in another lockdown. although it’s a little less aggressive than our prior, the trigger ignited all the trauma and post stress from the first hit.

it was within my first year of nursing when i became an impromptu progressive care nurse, caring for patients on my floor and others’, with COVID 19. when we’d have to change into surgical scrubs before work and wear PPE from head to toe before entering rooms. it’s where i was unable to provide true compassionate care because we had to get in and out of the rooms as fast as we could, to avoid prolonged exposure. it’s traumatic to think about, all the patients alone and frightened at what’s to come, and me deeply affected because there wasn’t anything i could do to help.

needless to say, i lost a lot of my spark with that message. i wasn’t sure i could actually mentally or physically handle going through that again. i became very distracted and withdrawn almost immediately. i was in a calm panic, where i told myself i wouldn’t be more than just a matter of existence. somehow that felt settling.

what i hadn’t realized until a while later, the one thing i truly was afraid of was losing you.

i read something yesterday that couldn’t have been more true. 2020 gave you someone to help you survive it. thank you for being mine.

I wish for even a split moment you could truly feel my immense gratitude for you, because i simply can not emphasize enough your place of value in my life. the way you remain attentive and receptive to my needs, your sensitivity to my traumas, your thoughtfulness and compassion, your humor and silliness to make me smile-you are the most incredible human i’ve ever known. there are so many things i cherish about you, but my favorite is laying on your chest with your arms around me, as i snuggle next to the one that keeps my soul calm yet rejuvenated at the same time. thank you for being my safety.

i could never have imagined being around someone so absolutely incredible. it’s mesmerizing: the look in your eyes when you’re gazing into mine, the grin you get when we use code words, the smile that projects light into any gray space, a heart so inviting and thoughtful, i just want to keep it safe, a laugh so pure it fuels my heart. i seriously could keep going for hours, i’m so in awe over you.

you amaze me.

i seriously am so proud to be able to radiate this happiness you help me create. each day you still manage to surprise me, and each day i have a new reason for being the luckiest girl in the world.

i guess i’ve been in situations that left me broken, and to finally have you in my life makes me worry somehow i’ll mess it all up. i know i have a lot to learn, and more to unlearn, and i truly thank you for your patience and consistent efforts thus far.

i know that regardless of world events, what we have together won’t change. if one thing is for certain, we surely can handle the long distance style relationship even though we’re minutes apart. we also know our productivity looks a little different sometimes, but we can still spend quality time in other ways. we know we have each-other, no matter what is thrown our way. and most importantly, we have our first pinky promise.

without a doubt, i’ll always be by your side. i can’t give you the world, but i’ll spend any moment of any day trying.

thank you for being my constant ❤️

remember to slow down when your mind speeds up. intrusive thoughts shoot continuous rounds of toxic words and triggers deepest fears. learn the root of your anxiety, find the source. the moments may feel like decades, but they will soon bring you peace.

and if you’re unsure what to do, contact your support people and be honest with your feelings. supportive partners and friends will listen and ask what you need, or they may encourage you to do some mindless activity to get past. whatever it may be, stay true to yourself and your feelings. the right ones will never leave, even if you show them your vulnerable side.

all for now mi amore

xox

angel above

you were in my dream last night

did you come to say hello? is this your way of showing you’re safe? you were full of radiance mom. you looked so happy.

i saw your beautiful, timeless smile again. i heard your tender laugh cackle my goofy personality. you stood beside me, and looked at me thoroughly. what were you thinking momma?

i felt all the love in your energy last night. i don’t recall hearing you talk last night too much, but i didn’t need you too. i could feel the missing pieces of you in my heart. that’s what i needed.

have you been watching me momma? over the last month, few weeks and last couple days? you know i’m lost, did you come to center me? please stay.

i can arguably say i miss you more every time i think of you, for i have been praying endlessly for a sign you’re still beside me.

i stare into your pictures and can’t help but try and feel your warmth beside me, yearning for your touch. i never noticed how much i resemble you, i see a lot of your beauty in me.

i woke up actually thinking you were here. a few moments later i joined the realm of reality. let’s just say i prefer sleeping anymore.

i never should have let you go

all we need is love

do you ever wonder how those around you show their love? most of us know there are love languages. although, the love languages segregate between common gestures usually in romantic relationships, and each language is a way to show how they love another. these also can be different as a recipient and giver. but what about relationships in general? how do you love?

i’m not shy to say i love you to my friends. i want them to always know how important they are, and that i value their place in my life.

love sounds different to all of us, and in our own unique way, we express such beauty to others.

i love you is a random “thinking of you” text

i love you is asking what you’ve eaten today

i love you is the last minute dinners and margaritas

i love you is silly car performances and belly laughs

i love you is a check up on wellness

i love you is me being silly to make you laugh

i love you is making sure they practice self care

i love you is listening

i love you is always having your back

i love you is being patient

i love you is sitting in silence, comfortably

i love you is asking to text when you get home safe

i love you is inside jokes that make no sense

i love you is creating a safe atmosphere for open communication

i love you is being tender and kind hearted

i love you is consistency

i love you is helping them work through their dreams

i love you is encouragement and a little challenge, to ensure growth

as just a draft, there are endless ways to express your love for those you spend your life with.

perhaps ponder a moment, and think of a few ways you express your love to others. then think about how you would like it to be expressed to you? this can really help you identify whether your paying attention or just going through motions in daily life. if you find yourself having difficulty, try and practice active listening. when someone is talking, don’t think of a response…pay attention to the words, tone and person speaking. you’ll soon hear exactly what you need.

remain tender hearted, genuine and kind. ensure you love yourself, even the same as you love everyone else

xox mi amore

behind the storm

it’s been a really hard day. i’ve had a challenging week and have been stressed keeping up with the cycle of things. living alone is really, really tough. but today, today is a different type of struggle.

i’ve been stuck with the same headache all week, and have been sleeping for ten hours at a time. my friends and loved ones say i am catching up on sleep, but really, i just don’t want to be awake. i’m not strong enough right now.

the thoughts in my mind become overwhelming and no matter how much i try to distract, they keep coming back. they find me in my dreams, triggering night terrors and strong tensions. its nauseating, unsettling and frustrating. i become reserved, quiet and see how distant i can be without anyone noticing.

i hate when i get this way, when grief sends me into a coma of emotion. where i just want to disappear into the air, and blow away with the wind.

for the purpose of this blog, i want to disclose that i am just saddened deeply. i have no intent or pursuit of quitting. today i am not okay, and that’s okay. because tomorrow will come, and i’ll be better.

with that being said, i’ve been thinking a lot today. thinking back to the last time i wanted to stop breathing. i know my time hasn’t come, and i know i’ll be here for a while…my journey is not finished, but i think about my family, friends and everyone else that i know and wonder if i followed through on leaving as i wanted so bad last year, i caress in thought of how their world would feel today. and quite honestly, id rather keep my own self trucking through, than to have my loved ones experience that.

the last really intense moment i was completely alone, panicking about who knows what. back then my attacks were extremely powerful over my body. it was the first and last time i ever hit a wall. it the last time i was heartbroken because the person i thought cared, didn’t (well one of the last times). i truly wanted to die, in those days. i sat for hours, yes, hours, hysterically crying, gagging and screaming for relief from whatever troubled my soul. i rolled around the floor and clenched my hands so tight, just to remember i could feel. i’d feel my pulse and try and remember that i was in fact, very much alive. panic attacks make you feel like you are actually dying. i lost a lot of respect that day for someone i once held dear to my heart. i have never felt so neglected than the moment i knew they wouldn’t come home to ensure my safety. they didn’t care how i was, even with the knowledge of me wanting to leave this earth, and having means within arms reach, they never came home. i wanted nothing more than to find my mom and stay with her in heaven. i wanted security and safety, for i lacked those in my reality. but i chose to stay, i chose to fight and i chose myself.

i really am thankful for my perseverance, and i will never stop saying that. i’ve had one hell of a life, and now is the greatest time to shine. forgive the past, and invite the future.

remember to be gentle to your soul, for you matter. you’re someone’s entire world, speak up if you need help. take accountability for your actions and grow from them.

water your own soil baby

xox