when the flame ignites

I’ve noticed a development in my journey that has coincidentally set me back a little from my progress.

It’s really important-during the lows, to have a couple people to ground you. However, this alone won’t solve anything. It’s purely for identification and acknowledgement of events-for progress to begin again. It is ok, to not be ok. It is however vital to take a step back, adjust your focus, reassess your goals and strive for progression.

No matter what we do for ourselves, triggers will exist. It is not the goal for them to be obsolete, but manageable. It is vital to recognize such toxic thoughts, and shutting them down before they become systemic and overwhelm your senses. Additionally, it’s important to remain realistic and to back up your intrusive mind with factual evidence to prove it’s tricking you into believing something entirely untrue. Trick is, you gotta catch it before it takes over. If you sit on the early stages of intrusive thoughts, you’re allowing that energy to consume you. After a short period of time, those thoughts create an entire situation out of absolutely nothing. It is upon that FIRST thought, that action must occur.

Positive thought reenforcement is a step toward thought training that possesses immense power within. With the first signs of intrusive, negative energy and thoughts of doubt, you may not even realize it’s happening. For me, I was having a day of “meh”, then after my shift and nap, I woke up in panic. There was no going back, no “undo” button for this one. I sabotaged myself in this one, I let the space fill with stories, during my “meh” moments, before trying to shut them down. That was my mistake, giving the thoughts even a moment of attention.

One of my greatest fears is that of abandonment. I am terrified the ones I love will forget about me, some way, some how. Although, to top the charts: I remain apprehensive and believe that I’m not important enough to be anyone’s “person”. I don’t know when that fear began, but with my past full of comments on how I could be so easily replaced, in addition to simply choosing the wrong people to be close too, I created more and more traits that lead me to dependency. I was raised to believe space means no love exists, and for that-creates one hell of a problem. I used to be completely tied into my partners, losing my individuality entirely. You see, I really didn’t realize I was dependent until I learned what it was like to be INDEPENDENT in seeking an actual, true partner. Because that’s what we’re suppose to be, individuals who choose to accompany each other through the journey of life. The purpose is to keep your individuality, and I am realizing that now.

This is easily my biggest fault, for I have to pay particular attention to how I utilize my efforts, because in order to grow and become who I truly know I can, I must drop these tendencies. I must work through them, and eventually understand I was the only one stopping me from my progress.

I’d say I am often overly communicative in my efforts. I think this has to do with the fact that I enjoy company, conversation and simply find comfort in feeling wanted. I have since recognized this and am reforming my thoughts and intentions. For space is not negativity, but comfort and security within.

Always remember how far you’ve come, since your journey began. Never belittle yourself, even in the moments you feel like breaking. I promise you, with genuine support and consistent effort comes immense growth. With dedication to oneself, self care and tender love, you will morph into that person you’ve always seen yourself as, or wanted to become.

with all else, love more

xox

find comfort in your reflection, adhere to your progression

I have astonished myself this year with personal development-experiencing the most productive growth over the last eight months than that of the last ten years. My mental health and self-confidence have never been this secure. Respectfully, I owe this all to myself, for I left my soul neglected far too long.

How did/do I turn it around, successfully and whole heartedly?

Well…I often watch motivational videos and follow influencers, who trigger my intuitive thoughts and challenge me to continue my growth and pursue my passions. If you haven’t watched Will Smith’s videos on youtube-start today. He is one of the top individuals that trigger my intuition, and instill confidence in my efforts. Additionally, I search and read blogs of women who possess confidence, strength and independence. I learn their habits and tweak them to create my own. I practice affirmations, keep up with my hobbies and intentionally train my intrusive thoughts into positive ones. This was really hard initially, but once you get an intrusive thought-counteract that with three positive ones, and release the negativity. Consistency is key. I practice efficient hygiene efforts, which keep my body in motion. The simpliest acts of self care are just as important to mental heath. Don’t forget about your physical self too! Additionally, I consciously and purposely reach out to my friends and ask if they are in need of any supportive care, talks or silence. I yearn to instill positivity in the lives of those I am around. I basically run around shitting glitter everywhere I can, to make anyone around me smile. I am the sun-(not in a blinding you way, but a I want you to feel warm, bright and important way).

This week I came across a video that really struck me. This woman was talking about how most people, (primarily us women) expect others to recognize those traits about us we wish people would point out. Come on, we know- It’s those things you want your boyfriend to take pictures of you doing, or make comments about-or your best friends at that, whoever doesn’t matter, its the fact of such that does.

You know, like how you light up when you talk about your favorite ice cream, the way you wiggle when you eat that first bite of food, the way you literally glow when you play with children, the amount of enjoyment you get looking into the night sky, the pure joy from the simple pleasures of life, the light in your eyes when you reflect on your career goals, the passion that’s heard when you talk about your work, the silly dances you do in your car that bring out your goofy side, the puns you deliver poorly because you laugh the whole way through, the quirky and dorky texts you send to get someone to smile, the random acts of kindnes you perform just to remind someone they matter, the offerance of mental health support and advocation that make you the beautiul, passionate and empathic person you are…

THOSE. I was ignited with much inspiration to write about all the things that make me, me. The intention of her video reflected it is inappropriate to expect others to notice such qualities and traits, when you yourself can’t even recognize them. Take a moment after this blog, and evaluate those quirks within yourself, acknowledge the traits that make your beautiful soul shine.

One reservation I have had during the early times of self improvement was doubt. I was doubtful that I wouldn’t love this new me, I didn’t know who I was without the presence of anxiety and depression. I was scared to lose that part of myself, cus it had always been apart of me. But as I have found, release of such negativity opens the window of creative, compassionate, immaculate beauty. Recognize and release your toxic traits to make room for yourself to shine.

Don’t ever stop trying to be the best of yourself. We are all here for a purpose, for whatever it is you yearn out there, you deserve. Utilize self help resources, for they are immensely helpful at self relfection efforts. Don’t be afraid to grow as a person, you’re allowed to change.

With all else, love more

xox

bloom baby, bloom

I can’t stop myself from this feeling, it’s paralyzing. It’s beautiful, passionate and inspiring.

Where literally no fears exist, no intrusive energies try to corrupt my progress. A world of mine-in which finally feels right.

I was shocked at first, that my life could actually be this great. I wasn’t sure if it was all another “lesson”, or if it really was my time. Thankfully the latter seems to be my new reality.

Of course most people dream of their fairy tale-type life. The things they want in a partner, friends and family. Those little things that mean the most to you, that you want someone to recognize. The ability to form passionate and intense connection with someone who makes you want to be even greater. Someone who encourages you to continue and grow as an individual, to then grow together. The person you can approach about anything with comfort.

Additionally, whatever else composed in your dreams of love, is a goal you can reach.

Don’t ever give up on what your dreams aspire to become. Keep the flame of your intuition lit, it’ll steer you in the direction of your dreams. Your intuition leads your reality, just listen.

One of the most important things I’ve learned this year is acceptance. Initially, I accepted that I had to recover from the traumas of my past. I had to improve on my emotional responses, doubts and previous wounds. I needed to become a better me. I trusted myself, loved myself and delivered tender care to my soul. This was not completed with ease, in fact, this was the hardest hurdle. Naturally, the universe challenged my character, for that is when I bloomed.

Things fell into place quicker than I anticipated. My mind training finally clicked and I accepted the value that I deserved this life. I am experiencing individuality and immense growth through my personal hobbies and accomplishments. I acknowledge and process emotions in a healthy way, and I am secure.

Through a life where I once felt threatened, I am now safe.

Thank you. For delivering consistent efforts and communication throughout our time together. Thank you for patience, honesty and transparency. Thank you for support, compassion and trust. It is you that also changed my world into this incredible reality I always hoped for. Words can’t possible come together well enough for me to express my gratitude for you. I only hope to make you feel as comfortable and loved as you do for me.

Take a large breath of fresh air today, inhale the radiance and warmth from above and exhale your fears. Love yourself more, and always exhibit kindness in your actions. Nurture yourself, let yourself grow.

xox

mi amore

from the past

If you’re reading this blog post, confused at who I have become-then you truly don’t know me anymore. I could care less who reads my posts, for my writings are purely therapeutic. This is for me.

I closed my life on my past-for good. No looking back into the rear-view, I chase the sun. I am no longer the girl who was trapped in unhealthy behaviors and absence of coping skills.

I no longer feel stranded by my thoughts, isolation or insecurities. I am better.

For that, we all must move on. We’re to utilize our full potential, and unleash the traps previously planted where we thought love was shared.

Chase the sun with me, become it, radiate it.

Breathe in, embrace your truths, let your inner self shine. If it’s uncomfortable, you’re surrounded by the wrong people. Find the ones that reciprocate your energy and challenge you to grow. Find your tribe.

Being confident in who you are is a vital first step to attaining the comfort needed to truly unleash your full self.

Start small: Write down five complimentary words to describe your heart, brain or soul. Perhaps record yourself reading them with “I am…” prefacing. Keep the video, listen to it the next three mornings. Repeat.

Small rituals as the one just described can trigger your intuition, and rewire your thoughts.

Ensure consistency in your efforts at self saving.

Preserve your heart and delicacy dear, for you have growth yet to accomplish.

and…with all else, love more

xox mi amore

just a letter

Oh sweetheart, the days may be dark now, but storms don’t last forever. The moments where nothing can go right will subside. For whatever reasons, you must stay diligent and strong willed in the end.

Face it, till you make it.

At least you’re learning growth is pursued outside your norm. Put yourself out there to shine a little, you’d be amazed at the results.

It’s euphoric, really, to recollect on what I thought I was. I promise, you’ll feel it soon.

Remember your accomplishments. Remember your determination, strength and passion for that of what you love.

Listen to yourself speak the words of songs and those of your own. Inhale, exhale. Laugh a little.

Remember that the energy around you reflects the energy you give. Actively practice gratitude to those deserving. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, challenge you, and support your goals!

with all else, be kind

xox

looks good to feel good

Healing occurs when you are transparent to yourself. For each morning and passing moment is a chance to encourage positive thoughts. Ultimately, this way of thinking results in positive energy radiating around you.

When you are confident, your skin glows against the aurora you create. For you light up your entire path. You nurture, empathize and care whole heartedly. More importantly, you acknowledge and let go of thoughts that fed past anxieties.

You are happy. No longer are the times you sit, fragile and frail, a soul too tender to feel anything but pain.

You accept this as your reality, finally feeling free from crippling thoughts. You smile bigger, walk taller and laugh louder. People notice this about you, for they hadn’t yet see you shine so bright.

Remember the door of anxiety is that of a revolving one. When thoughts come back in attempts of feeding insecurities, thank your mind for trying to keep you safe, and let that go. You know your truths, validate them. Speak to yourself with gentle grace and compassion, and love your whole reflection. For your heart is that of gold.

mi amore,

with all else, love you first

xox

What it’s like

The days of learning new habits are among us. For we wish upon the mornings to wake with a clear mind, this is now our reality.

We become relaxed with the echoes of silence. No longer are there lingering thoughts that used to scream so loud.

Negative energy does not absorb your essence, kindness or compassion. Your eyes glimmer to anyone crossing your path, for you radiate beauty. You shine with your soul, lighting up those you pass. You are incredible.

I hope we all pray on your spiritual or religious beliefs, for the life you’re soon to live. You deserve it, it’s time.

Be graceful in the love you give yourself always.

mi amore, always be you

xox

Change conflict

Why do we run in opposition to new things?

New job assignment, new lifestyle, new found happiness?

It’s as though we seek the similarities in our previous lifestyles, yet intensely want to avoid, that we yearn to never become again, but still pursue. If you are thinking that this isn’t making sense: it doesn’t.

Change is not harmful, our reactions are.

It is to be okay pondering the now, allowing space for growth to occur. We are all products of someone else’s trauma. We were raised to believe such introverted thoughts, suffering from intrusive anxiety and disparities along the way, becasuse of words repeatedly told to us as children.

When is it okay to let that go?

When can a human possibly develop the ability to change their thinking? Well, it takes one moment at a time, patience and diligence. It takes fighting for the things you want here and now, the feelings and people you want around, the job you literally dreamed of, the hobbies you create.

It takes practice, focused energies, and support from those dear to your heart. It takes responsibility and trust within yourself, to acknowledge your strength and abilities. It takes never giving up on who and what you are, who you strive to become. It takes you.

It takes one breath at a time, positive affirmations and the deep feeling of wanting to be better.

It takes never giving up on the one who will never leave: It takes you.

Remember, we are all on a journey of self discovery. Some days are great, some days are far from. But all days-you can get through.

With all else,

Mi Amore

xox

worldview

Below you will read my interpretation of my world and self. I had to create my worldview and establish my beliefs in writing for an essay in my bachelors program in nursing (hense the citations). I was moved by the assignment, and was equally empowered by the spiritual guidance I created for myself. For this I am proudly sharing. With all else, remember each of us are on our own journey’s, and for that-stay kind.

            Interestingly enough, I never realized this concept, among many more, of afterlife could be interpreted as a “worldview”. I was not raised in a particularly religious household; so, terminology is new to me. Although, I do find myself to be very spiritual in nature. I believe we are put on this earth for no greater meaning than to find our own, and after we die, whatever we hoped happens to us, happens. I try to maintain a level of simplicity in my beliefs, because there are very elaborate avenues and depths of beliefs. I believe there is a higher power, and that our loved ones hold power over our reality, with the higher power overseeing. I often hold meaning to forces, energy sources or a higher power to carry on through the challenging times. I would consider my beliefs to be a mixture between biblical, with a mixture of parts Pantheistic. I find myself looking up spiritual quotes often, however don’t necessarily remember or fix anything from memory. I give power to objects or coincidences for sentimental value. I’ve always wanted to expand my religious knowledge and I am thankful for the opportunity for this program, so I can learn and establish more of my own beliefs, while learning and expanding knowledge of others as well. Along with Indiana Wesleyan’s mission statement, I too, am on a journey of self-commitment. I strive to develop myself entirely, with character development and nursing advancement. I yearn for great academic success. I believe only oneself can judge whether their purpose is being fulfilled, and of that, actually makes me believe that whatever is in our hearts is what happens. My siblings and I unexpectedly lost our mom last year, and one day I was explaining to my brother that I think whatever we believe, is true. If we think mom is with us, she is. If my interpretations of spiritual religion is anything remarkable, it’s that we have the power to connect with such people we previously knew in the physical world.  

            In a Christian worldview, the concept of caring is greatly acted upon. In 2018, The Journal of Christian Nursing mentions caring theories. The article particularly references Jean Watson and Madeline Leininger, when referring to the Christian prospective of caring. Jean Watson’s theory is purely nursing is caring. I like to interpret her beliefs as: We are unable to label our professional duties with measurable offenses, we are purely, genuinely giving our hearts to others. I believe this means partially pouring out of our cup to serve to others. It’s widely believed that nursing is a calling of some sorts, whether it be from God himself, or other spirit, we are chosen ones. We have abilities to care and act selfless in which other humans cannot emotionally sacrifice. In The Journal of Christian Nursing,  Self-sacrificing is another attribute of caring discussed by humanistic authors…Humanists believe that human beings, in and of themselves, are capable of self-sacrificing and are the origin of the nurse’s caring.” Newbanks, R., Rieg, Linda & Schaefer, Beverly. (2018). Madeline Leininger introduced the Transcultural nursing concept which integrated cultural beliefs into nursing practice and bedside care. Traits of transcultural nursing, according to the International Journal of Nursing Education, include but are not limited to: “resisting judgmental attitudes such as ‘different is not as good’, being open to cultural encounters, adapting care to be congruent with the client’s culture” (2012).   I believe behaviors that exhibit Christian worldview include any “extreme/unusual” acts of thoughtfulness: grabbing the warmed blanket because the room is drafty, advocating regardless of circumstance, evidenced based practices for bedside care, random acts of kindness, generosity of time and compassion. It’s that little extra thing some people do, that just makes them extraordinary. Additionally, I find true meaning with the belief of we are only who we are when nobody is watching. You are no better than someone else for acting such way, for certain people. What makes one extraordinary is what they do when nobody is around, with their intentions pure at heart. 

            I often am curious about other religions, cultures and practices. I find myself wondering how other’s live, or if they share similar values to the culture I was raised upon. I enjoy learning about other lifestyles and worldviews, because it helps me understand other avenues of beliefs, as well as reflect on my own. Additionally, I am able to understand methods of healing, aside from my current practice, and treatment and similarities and differences amongst our pharma and holistic approaches. Since reading the literature from Chaplain Bob Burchell, I can say I am now only more curious about what religion is like for others, on a first-person expense. I now have more of an in-depth interpretation of what a worldview is, ways it can be formed, manipulated by life and adapt to stressors as we are. Belief systems are a constant turning wheel of evolutionary theory. The wheel that will never stop turning.  

Each of our worldviews are shaped by our own physical or biological imprint on this planet. I do not believe I need to change any parts of my present worldview; however, I need to maintain my openness for growth. With new knowledge comes new wisdom. Coincidentally, what all of our Gods may wish, is that we learn to coexist as one whole, and gain care, compassion and experiences of fulfillment and passion along the way. 

References

Ansuya. (2012). Transcultural Nursing: Cultural Competence in Nurses. International Journal of Nursing Education, 4(1), 5–7. 

Newbanks, R., Rieg, Linda & Schaefer, Beverly. (2018). What Is Caring in Nursing?: Sorting Out Humanistic and Christian Perspectives.  Journal of Christian 

x

 

New you, who dis

I’ve often written posts about the hopes and promises I yearn to get from this crazy life. I confide in the dreams and romance stories, wishing one day I’d be the lucky recipient of such a feeling. Coincidentally, I’ve fought against crippling depression and panic attacks for years, always suffocated by the thoughts that I’ll never find someone that gets me.

The problem was such that. I thought I had to find someone else to make me feel worthy of love. However, I realized the one I was looking for was the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I had to find the love in my own heart to be able to appreciate my beautiful soul.

My story is fully inclusive of trauma, for I will never deny that. But through this, I gained confidence and security in myself. I realized how intelligent, positive and radiant my energy is. I’m compassionate, thoughtful and have an established life. Through determination and my stubborn attributes, the world has increasingly blessed my life full of opportunities straight out of my fantasy’s. Truthfully, I’ve busted my ass staying alive against my depression and toxic relationships with some, I’m lucky to have made it this far. Thank God I never gave up.

I mentioned I used to look for someone that gave me the missing parts of love I never had for myself. I suffered through years of relationships only to come out realizing I had to find love for myself first. But, thankfully I prevailed. Because what’s even better, is finding a person AFTER you become truly your own being, after you’re okay with parts of you previously shamed, after you remember you are equally deserving of the love you give.

If you’d ask me a month ago what commitment means to me I’d probably have chuckled and walked away. The aspect of someone choosing me every day baffled my mind. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with anyone, and became pretty locked into my own world, intentionally avoiding any commitments with people. I was trained to think I couldn’t have any fears or anxiety, and I couldn’t complete tasks or continue hobbies I previously loved. I literally stopped being me, at the expense of my own self.

I’ve learned to realize a few things about sharing a life with someone. The intent of love must be purposeful. It takes two different people that share the same passion for another, poses similar life goals and have a maintained communication style. Additionally respect for another is vital in a healthy relationship.

I keep mentioning finding the person after you find yourself. To stop beating around the bush, I’ve definitely been living the reality-better than that of any best selling romance novel.

To have found someone so gentle, caring and respectful is literally blowing my mind. I catch myself smiling at the thoughts of him, butterflies racing around my belly when I get his texts, and living in great awe that I am finally experiencing what this is suppose to feel like.

The world stands still when I look into his eyes. I wish he could see how incredibly amazing he is from my perspective. When he smiles, my heart skips a beat-he’s oh so handsome. His thoughtfulness makes me melt, for I am so incredibly thankful to have him in my life. He’s tender and supportive and encouraging. Oh my GAWDDDDDD how did I get so incredibly lucky? The way he laughs at my puns, smiles at my creations and asks about my dreams. This is better than any fairy tale. He plays into my silly requests like water gun fights and secret handshakes and innuendos.

I can’t stop myself from feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world because of him, and of course from my exponential growth this year.

I’m excited to learn and grow into the next version of myself. I know I am ready because I’m not expecting or putting a time line on life. Everything is perfect, for nothing needs to be changed.

With all else, love more,

Xox