Good morning to the incredible women who helped build the lives we life, who sacrifice more of herself daily to others she serves, with no complaints. To the selfless heroes that keep the world spinning; happy mom day.
Today is a day for nurturers; a day for the women who place their heart on their sleeve. For the moms, the moms to be, the mom of the group, interim moms, foster moms, the fur moms, grand-moms, fake moms, step moms, aspiring moms: Happy Mother’s Day.
This is the first Mother’s Day without my mom’s physical presence, and so far that’s all I have acknowledged. I have been anxiously anticipating this day all month. How was I going to cope through this “first”? I have to admit, my guilt and anxieties have been elevating and had reached the peak the last two weeks. I fell into a two week binger of margaritas and bad choreographed dance moves. I was moody, irritable and manic, I stayed up 22 hours at a time, sleeping less than 6, I was exhausted. Obviously, I was coping wrong. To mange this crisis: I decided to take extra PTO days (we’re technically a closed unit right now, however our manager is trying to reassign us to other areas of the hospital for staffing.) Anyways: with the extra couple days I decided to get my shit back on track. I stopped the solo partying ways and got back on my productivity and healthy coping mechanism train. Maintain responsibility and accountability with your improper coping behaviors! I am happy to report, this works.
When life gets blurry, adjust your focus. Don’t throw the whole camera away, you are more valuable than any “moment” in time-for you deserve your life in it’s entirety.
I believe I have learned to identify when my mom is nearby. Sometimes I wonder if she watches me from heaven, like a TV-checking in periodically to ensure my safety, or if she’s able to always be with me all the time. Can angels be everywhere at any time? Usually, I will feel her around me after I make a decision or buy something. For example: I purchased mothers day flowers on Friday. Early Saturday morning I still hadn’t slept and was working on a video project for my friend. I was up all day and night and was trying to finish the video when I randomly and unexpectedly came across a voicemail from her saying, “Hey its mom, give me a call, I love you.” This was the most chilling and surprising thing to happen in a very long time. This is just one of the weird coincidences I’ve noticed over the last couple months, being the most recent occurance. I think it was her saying, “Thanks for the flowers Bree Bree.” When I feel my moms spirit, I’ll feel like my body is completely rested, free or calm. Thats why I know it’s her-when I feel perfect. Because to her-I was.
My mom always wanted me tor realize how incredible of a being I am. I was so lucky to have her to lean on for 26 years.
Fearless, wild, dedicated, inspirational, spontaneous, smart, educated, goal-orientated, tender heart, compassionate, kind, generous, strong, passionate, lovable, fun, silly, loyal and wholesome. These are just a few traits that pop into my head when thinking of the type of mom I want to be. There are a plethora of additional adjectives I strive to become, although there isn’t that much room here to list everything.
I mentioned I had wanted to make a garden for my moms memory, however yet again-the universe had other plans and decided to blow in a cold front! I’ll get your flowers planted I promise!
I can’t be left without feeling bummed that this year is ripping all the experiences away. I had big plans on how to cope through all these “firsts”, and with COVID-19 lockdown and “stay at home” orders, I haven’t been allowed to execute any of these wonderful acts of kindness in your memory. I hope I can continue to make myself proud with my growth and evolution as a woman.
I will close with a positive reflection. If I had been able to do all these things I wanted for you, I wouldn’t have been able to internally cope or emotionally challenge myself to get through such trouble times by myself. I never would be this emotionally strong, I wouldn’t have such intuitions or be as in touch with your spirit mom, would I?
This period of time without you is interesting. You are shaping me-teaching me lessons you previously didn’t know how to execute in the physical world. you are helping me grow. Mom, how in the world did you learn how to make such a powerful impact? Your angel wings must be so magical.
Mommy, Thank you for guiding me in all the most beautiful directions the last 356 sleeps. I wouldn’t have ever been able to imagine I’d become the Bree I am today, if I didn’t have you steering me along the way. Mommy-look at me now!
Mi Amore, hug your moms tight today, tomorrow and all days to come. Oh-what I would do to hold my moms hand one last time.