just a letter

Oh sweetheart, the days may be dark now, but storms don’t last forever. The moments where nothing can go right will subside. For whatever reasons, you must stay diligent and strong willed in the end.

Face it, till you make it.

At least you’re learning growth is pursued outside your norm. Put yourself out there to shine a little, you’d be amazed at the results.

It’s euphoric, really, to recollect on what I thought I was. I promise, you’ll feel it soon.

Remember your accomplishments. Remember your determination, strength and passion for that of what you love.

Listen to yourself speak the words of songs and those of your own. Inhale, exhale. Laugh a little.

Remember that the energy around you reflects the energy you give. Actively practice gratitude to those deserving. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, challenge you, and support your goals!

with all else, be kind

xox

looks good to feel good

Healing occurs when you are transparent to yourself. For each morning and passing moment is a chance to encourage positive thoughts. Ultimately, this way of thinking results in positive energy radiating around you.

When you are confident, your skin glows against the aurora you create. For you light up your entire path. You nurture, empathize and care whole heartedly. More importantly, you acknowledge and let go of thoughts that fed past anxieties.

You are happy. No longer are the times you sit, fragile and frail, a soul too tender to feel anything but pain.

You accept this as your reality, finally feeling free from crippling thoughts. You smile bigger, walk taller and laugh louder. People notice this about you, for they hadn’t yet see you shine so bright.

Remember the door of anxiety is that of a revolving one. When thoughts come back in attempts of feeding insecurities, thank your mind for trying to keep you safe, and let that go. You know your truths, validate them. Speak to yourself with gentle grace and compassion, and love your whole reflection. For your heart is that of gold.

mi amore,

with all else, love you first

xox

What it’s like

The days of learning new habits are among us. For we wish upon the mornings to wake with a clear mind, this is now our reality.

We become relaxed with the echoes of silence. No longer are there lingering thoughts that used to scream so loud.

Negative energy does not absorb your essence, kindness or compassion. Your eyes glimmer to anyone crossing your path, for you radiate beauty. You shine with your soul, lighting up those you pass. You are incredible.

I hope we all pray on your spiritual or religious beliefs, for the life you’re soon to live. You deserve it, it’s time.

Be graceful in the love you give yourself always.

mi amore, always be you

xox

Change conflict

Why do we run in opposition to new things?

New job assignment, new lifestyle, new found happiness?

It’s as though we seek the similarities in our previous lifestyles, yet intensely want to avoid, that we yearn to never become again, but still pursue. If you are thinking that this isn’t making sense: it doesn’t.

Change is not harmful, our reactions are.

It is to be okay pondering the now, allowing space for growth to occur. We are all products of someone else’s trauma. We were raised to believe such introverted thoughts, suffering from intrusive anxiety and disparities along the way, becasuse of words repeatedly told to us as children.

When is it okay to let that go?

When can a human possibly develop the ability to change their thinking? Well, it takes one moment at a time, patience and diligence. It takes fighting for the things you want here and now, the feelings and people you want around, the job you literally dreamed of, the hobbies you create.

It takes practice, focused energies, and support from those dear to your heart. It takes responsibility and trust within yourself, to acknowledge your strength and abilities. It takes never giving up on who and what you are, who you strive to become. It takes you.

It takes one breath at a time, positive affirmations and the deep feeling of wanting to be better.

It takes never giving up on the one who will never leave: It takes you.

Remember, we are all on a journey of self discovery. Some days are great, some days are far from. But all days-you can get through.

With all else,

Mi Amore

xox

worldview

Below you will read my interpretation of my world and self. I had to create my worldview and establish my beliefs in writing for an essay in my bachelors program in nursing (hense the citations). I was moved by the assignment, and was equally empowered by the spiritual guidance I created for myself. For this I am proudly sharing. With all else, remember each of us are on our own journey’s, and for that-stay kind.

            Interestingly enough, I never realized this concept, among many more, of afterlife could be interpreted as a “worldview”. I was not raised in a particularly religious household; so, terminology is new to me. Although, I do find myself to be very spiritual in nature. I believe we are put on this earth for no greater meaning than to find our own, and after we die, whatever we hoped happens to us, happens. I try to maintain a level of simplicity in my beliefs, because there are very elaborate avenues and depths of beliefs. I believe there is a higher power, and that our loved ones hold power over our reality, with the higher power overseeing. I often hold meaning to forces, energy sources or a higher power to carry on through the challenging times. I would consider my beliefs to be a mixture between biblical, with a mixture of parts Pantheistic. I find myself looking up spiritual quotes often, however don’t necessarily remember or fix anything from memory. I give power to objects or coincidences for sentimental value. I’ve always wanted to expand my religious knowledge and I am thankful for the opportunity for this program, so I can learn and establish more of my own beliefs, while learning and expanding knowledge of others as well. Along with Indiana Wesleyan’s mission statement, I too, am on a journey of self-commitment. I strive to develop myself entirely, with character development and nursing advancement. I yearn for great academic success. I believe only oneself can judge whether their purpose is being fulfilled, and of that, actually makes me believe that whatever is in our hearts is what happens. My siblings and I unexpectedly lost our mom last year, and one day I was explaining to my brother that I think whatever we believe, is true. If we think mom is with us, she is. If my interpretations of spiritual religion is anything remarkable, it’s that we have the power to connect with such people we previously knew in the physical world.  

            In a Christian worldview, the concept of caring is greatly acted upon. In 2018, The Journal of Christian Nursing mentions caring theories. The article particularly references Jean Watson and Madeline Leininger, when referring to the Christian prospective of caring. Jean Watson’s theory is purely nursing is caring. I like to interpret her beliefs as: We are unable to label our professional duties with measurable offenses, we are purely, genuinely giving our hearts to others. I believe this means partially pouring out of our cup to serve to others. It’s widely believed that nursing is a calling of some sorts, whether it be from God himself, or other spirit, we are chosen ones. We have abilities to care and act selfless in which other humans cannot emotionally sacrifice. In The Journal of Christian Nursing,  Self-sacrificing is another attribute of caring discussed by humanistic authors…Humanists believe that human beings, in and of themselves, are capable of self-sacrificing and are the origin of the nurse’s caring.” Newbanks, R., Rieg, Linda & Schaefer, Beverly. (2018). Madeline Leininger introduced the Transcultural nursing concept which integrated cultural beliefs into nursing practice and bedside care. Traits of transcultural nursing, according to the International Journal of Nursing Education, include but are not limited to: “resisting judgmental attitudes such as ‘different is not as good’, being open to cultural encounters, adapting care to be congruent with the client’s culture” (2012).   I believe behaviors that exhibit Christian worldview include any “extreme/unusual” acts of thoughtfulness: grabbing the warmed blanket because the room is drafty, advocating regardless of circumstance, evidenced based practices for bedside care, random acts of kindness, generosity of time and compassion. It’s that little extra thing some people do, that just makes them extraordinary. Additionally, I find true meaning with the belief of we are only who we are when nobody is watching. You are no better than someone else for acting such way, for certain people. What makes one extraordinary is what they do when nobody is around, with their intentions pure at heart. 

            I often am curious about other religions, cultures and practices. I find myself wondering how other’s live, or if they share similar values to the culture I was raised upon. I enjoy learning about other lifestyles and worldviews, because it helps me understand other avenues of beliefs, as well as reflect on my own. Additionally, I am able to understand methods of healing, aside from my current practice, and treatment and similarities and differences amongst our pharma and holistic approaches. Since reading the literature from Chaplain Bob Burchell, I can say I am now only more curious about what religion is like for others, on a first-person expense. I now have more of an in-depth interpretation of what a worldview is, ways it can be formed, manipulated by life and adapt to stressors as we are. Belief systems are a constant turning wheel of evolutionary theory. The wheel that will never stop turning.  

Each of our worldviews are shaped by our own physical or biological imprint on this planet. I do not believe I need to change any parts of my present worldview; however, I need to maintain my openness for growth. With new knowledge comes new wisdom. Coincidentally, what all of our Gods may wish, is that we learn to coexist as one whole, and gain care, compassion and experiences of fulfillment and passion along the way. 

References

Ansuya. (2012). Transcultural Nursing: Cultural Competence in Nurses. International Journal of Nursing Education, 4(1), 5–7. 

Newbanks, R., Rieg, Linda & Schaefer, Beverly. (2018). What Is Caring in Nursing?: Sorting Out Humanistic and Christian Perspectives.  Journal of Christian 

x

 

New you, who dis

I’ve often written posts about the hopes and promises I yearn to get from this crazy life. I confide in the dreams and romance stories, wishing one day I’d be the lucky recipient of such a feeling. Coincidentally, I’ve fought against crippling depression and panic attacks for years, always suffocated by the thoughts that I’ll never find someone that gets me.

The problem was such that. I thought I had to find someone else to make me feel worthy of love. However, I realized the one I was looking for was the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I had to find the love in my own heart to be able to appreciate my beautiful soul.

My story is fully inclusive of trauma, for I will never deny that. But through this, I gained confidence and security in myself. I realized how intelligent, positive and radiant my energy is. I’m compassionate, thoughtful and have an established life. Through determination and my stubborn attributes, the world has increasingly blessed my life full of opportunities straight out of my fantasy’s. Truthfully, I’ve busted my ass staying alive against my depression and toxic relationships with some, I’m lucky to have made it this far. Thank God I never gave up.

I mentioned I used to look for someone that gave me the missing parts of love I never had for myself. I suffered through years of relationships only to come out realizing I had to find love for myself first. But, thankfully I prevailed. Because what’s even better, is finding a person AFTER you become truly your own being, after you’re okay with parts of you previously shamed, after you remember you are equally deserving of the love you give.

If you’d ask me a month ago what commitment means to me I’d probably have chuckled and walked away. The aspect of someone choosing me every day baffled my mind. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with anyone, and became pretty locked into my own world, intentionally avoiding any commitments with people. I was trained to think I couldn’t have any fears or anxiety, and I couldn’t complete tasks or continue hobbies I previously loved. I literally stopped being me, at the expense of my own self.

I’ve learned to realize a few things about sharing a life with someone. The intent of love must be purposeful. It takes two different people that share the same passion for another, poses similar life goals and have a maintained communication style. Additionally respect for another is vital in a healthy relationship.

I keep mentioning finding the person after you find yourself. To stop beating around the bush, I’ve definitely been living the reality-better than that of any best selling romance novel.

To have found someone so gentle, caring and respectful is literally blowing my mind. I catch myself smiling at the thoughts of him, butterflies racing around my belly when I get his texts, and living in great awe that I am finally experiencing what this is suppose to feel like.

The world stands still when I look into his eyes. I wish he could see how incredibly amazing he is from my perspective. When he smiles, my heart skips a beat-he’s oh so handsome. His thoughtfulness makes me melt, for I am so incredibly thankful to have him in my life. He’s tender and supportive and encouraging. Oh my GAWDDDDDD how did I get so incredibly lucky? The way he laughs at my puns, smiles at my creations and asks about my dreams. This is better than any fairy tale. He plays into my silly requests like water gun fights and secret handshakes and innuendos.

I can’t stop myself from feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world because of him, and of course from my exponential growth this year.

I’m excited to learn and grow into the next version of myself. I know I am ready because I’m not expecting or putting a time line on life. Everything is perfect, for nothing needs to be changed.

With all else, love more,

Xox

Rise

Always remember your roots, for they withstood the truths of your world. Embrace your reality, you’re the best you’ve been. Succeed and ponder that of who you wish to become.

Above all else, stay above

Much love mi amore

Xox

every day missing you

You always told me I’d be better off without you. I hope you know that was incredibly incorrect to assume.

The day of my graduation was the last happy day we had. I remember seeing you from my seat waiting to walk up to that diploma, with the brightest and lightest smile. I remember hearing your excited cheers, knowing I finished my degree. You were so proud of me. Thats what everyone says. My heart knows its true, but I wish I could hear it one last time, from you.

It is ever so difficult to reminisce on this day. Today I actually became a registered nurse, taking and successfully passing my NCLEX (board exams for nurses). I remember walking out of the exam, 265 questions later, after two and a half hours at a computer screen in tears. I allowed myself to shed just two tears, one for you mom and one for finishing. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be proud that I still made it through three weeks of studying after you left this physical world, and didn’t give up on my personal goals.

I do have reservations against celebrating my accomplishments. I literally can not fathom the idea of being happy that I finished and passed NCLEX, because you died. I gave up on celebrating with a party, I fell into a pit of depression, and got so bad I dialed hospital numbers and debated inpatient treatment for months. I was shamed in my relationship for feeling so sad, broken and lost without you. I couldn’t sleep, I had terrors at least a couple times a week, waking up gasping for air because I was suffocated by my psychie. My codependency traits multiplied and I lost control at a new magnitude.

I am thankful to have been able to recognize the traits I possessed in which were causing me more harm than their benefits. I spent endless nights crying silent tears of desperation in hopes my life would make a change. What I had to realize, was the first step is changing your environment. I debated for months on what I truly valued in life, what I believed in, and what I wanted my life to look like.

It wasn’t until I realized that, that my life changed.

I won’t ever fall victim to the same patterns, because I now know and understand how to recognize and work through tragedy with grace. I want to be better, I know this is a realistic expecation now. Things may have been messy at times, but now my life is that of a dream.

I have endless support from my friends, family and career. I am able to identify and pursue dreams with confidence. I can work through trauma in a more efficient way, I am growing every day.

With a last thought, don’t ever forget the steps in which you take that make you feel big. Be you, love hard and never give up.

with all, be kind

mi amore

xox

It’s about the journey

When you reach the finish line, do you critique your endeavors on your path to success, or do you congratulate your new accomplishment remarkably?

One thing I’ve realized in the last five months is that it doesn’t matter where you start, how you ended, or the neglects you’ve experienced that caused your current situation. What matters is simply the interpretation of your purpose, humility, and your heart through it all.

Do you treat others with kindness? What about yourself? Are you gentle to your reflection, successes and endeavors? Your actions toward others reflect many things. Ponder the response in how you experience human interactions. Often times those surrounded by negativity are the reason for it as well. Come over to the sun with me, let’s be free.

My journey has been significant to say the least. Sometimes when I share my experiences I fail to recognize the amount of trauma I’ve experienced, because I now don’t associate my life with such negativity. I understand I’ve experienced devastating traumas in my life, but that’s shaped me into the wonderful ray of sunshine I am today. I want to focus on the exponential growth and soul searching that has gotten me to where I am today, however will elaborate slightly on my past, because reflection is quite an important part of the healing process.

A little background info for those newly joining: In January I ended a significant relationship with someone who I was ready to settle down into life with. What I failed to realize then is that not all people are as good for you as you want them to be. Now, this by no means is indicative of either one of us being in the wrong, for I will respect our privacy in that regard-but in all fairness, we just weren’t right as a united couple. I lost my mom in May of last year and I’ve sufficed through the devastating “first” holidays and birthdays without my mom. Contrary to some, I’ve come out of these things with an entirely different view on life. I’ve developed confidence in myself, fitness routines and developed my overall health. I am awakened each morning (or afternoon cus I work nights) to the pleasant thoughts of daily gratitude and energy radiating from my soul.

I can’t express the intense feelings I felt in the last ten years battling severe depression and anxiety with the greatest of ease, however I will create an abstract. My anxiety sky rocketed and turned into endless hours of panic attacks with a relationship over a couple years ago. Since then I’ve been so awful to myself, so crushing and negative. My mornings began entangled in passive intentions at harming myself more often than I want to admit. However, I always knew deep down, my job here is still in process.

Remember that each human you have contact with is an opportunity to be kind, generous and supportive too. Ask your friends genuine questions, remember small details of things they love, give those random compliments and appreciate and support one another! This world is so cruel we should yearn to be greater.

With all else,

Xox

Mi amore

Hammock thoughts

They say empaths struggle with fatigue because they give their energy for others’ needs.

I’d say I’d experience this as true. We often understand what life would be like similarly if we lived lives like others’, or experienced situations they had. We relate to you personally because we know what we would feel in your place, and we feel it for you too.

I’d say it’s one of my best qualities: being empathetic. I am gifted with the ability to bond and relate well to others. It makes me a great nurse. I am humbled by the opportunity at hand. Every day is a new chance to spread kindness to the world.

For everyone is deserving of compassion.

With this mindset, I have gained remarkable friendships and relationships along the twenty-six year (and counting) journey I’ve been on. I have learned and established methods of improving communications, I have dedicated my powers to advocating and supporting those relationships I cherish dearly.

I am thankful for the opportunities I have created for myself, and I am hopeful to inspire young souls who aspire one day to be their greatest success.

In a place so filled with storms, be the sun. For your actions reflect your own growth, regardless of those watchful eyes.

Xox

mi amore