Status quo

I’ve been really busy becoming this version of myself I never knew could exist, and for that I am incredibly thankful. One of my first blog posts was about my journey with mental health, and although it was always my end goal-I’ve always wondered what it felt like to wake up without suffocation of terror, anxiety and impending doom. I wanted to know what a deep breath felt like without hours of hyperventilation, screaming tears, kicking legs and insecurities.

Now I know. Its grounding your feet onto the ground. Feeling the ground under your feat, centering you balance, focusing your mind on what you smell, see, feel. Its being able to identify your upsets, and accepting your feelings rather than fighting them. It’s being in the moment. Its allowing the feeling, and then releasing.

It’s waking up to chirping birds, the sweet rays of sunshine beaming through the cracks in the blinds and the sleepy groggy morning stretches, all with my thoughts of gratitude and small talks to mommy.

She still isn’t here enough. I want her back. Today I feel obsessed with her absence and I’m not okay with it.

Regardless of how her presence, (or lack of) is obliged during my days, she has been with me a lot lately. I know this is true, for not all life events in my life are circumstance.

Her passing taught me to fight for myself, she’s trying to show me I can do anything in the world. She shows up when I learn new hobbies, put something together, cook amazing food, workout, and during the times I need her the most. She shows up when I realize my potential, my compassion, my best traits and my worth. She’s here with me, still fighting for me, by my side every day. I find such comfort knowing she understands me from a different point of view now, for she knows how to be exponentially helpful in guiding my spirits.

I’ve been learning how to be pretty handy lately! I put together lots of stuff this month! Feels really good to be mostly independent, let me tell yah! It’s so empowering, being able to assemble coffee tables, grills or other around the house projects by myself! I never knew I could really do these things. I previously doubted everything I wanted to do, leaving me stranded and suffocated in doubt. Not anymore.

I started my second BSN class and it’s quite the challenge getting back into the swing of things. I really love this class though, and it’s focus on nursing history-Not only am I learning so much, but I’m really enjoying the writing process through the program. As much as I despise citations, I still enjoy the ability to practice my writing and tweak my writers voice. I’ve received multiple compliments on my writings (discussion boards and essay) from my instructor and other students, which is incredible. This is probably one of my favorite compliments because it compliments my intelligence and there’s nothing better than that!

With all else, I wanted to recognize that with growth still comes trial and error. In order to succeed in life, one must fail-often. We establish goals, practice and work toward them (failure) until we reach, conquer and create more. Never stop pushing yourself to grow. Do something today that will make tomorrow’s you proud.

For tomorrow is never promised, say “I love you” to all of those today.

With love

Xox

a day for moms

Good morning to the incredible women who helped build the lives we life, who sacrifice more of herself daily to others she serves, with no complaints. To the selfless heroes that keep the world spinning; happy mom day.

Today is a day for nurturers; a day for the women who place their heart on their sleeve. For the moms, the moms to be, the mom of the group, interim moms, foster moms, the fur moms, grand-moms, fake moms, step moms, aspiring moms: Happy Mother’s Day.

This is the first Mother’s Day without my mom’s physical presence, and so far that’s all I have acknowledged. I have been anxiously anticipating this day all month. How was I going to cope through this “first”? I have to admit, my guilt and anxieties have been elevating and had reached the peak the last two weeks. I fell into a two week binger of margaritas and bad choreographed dance moves. I was moody, irritable and manic, I stayed up 22 hours at a time, sleeping less than 6, I was exhausted. Obviously, I was coping wrong. To mange this crisis: I decided to take extra PTO days (we’re technically a closed unit right now, however our manager is trying to reassign us to other areas of the hospital for staffing.) Anyways: with the extra couple days I decided to get my shit back on track. I stopped the solo partying ways and got back on my productivity and healthy coping mechanism train. Maintain responsibility and accountability with your improper coping behaviors! I am happy to report, this works.

When life gets blurry, adjust your focus. Don’t throw the whole camera away, you are more valuable than any “moment” in time-for you deserve your life in it’s entirety.

I believe I have learned to identify when my mom is nearby. Sometimes I wonder if she watches me from heaven, like a TV-checking in periodically to ensure my safety, or if she’s able to always be with me all the time. Can angels be everywhere at any time? Usually, I will feel her around me after I make a decision or buy something. For example: I purchased mothers day flowers on Friday. Early Saturday morning I still hadn’t slept and was working on a video project for my friend. I was up all day and night and was trying to finish the video when I randomly and unexpectedly came across a voicemail from her saying, “Hey its mom, give me a call, I love you.” This was the most chilling and surprising thing to happen in a very long time. This is just one of the weird coincidences I’ve noticed over the last couple months, being the most recent occurance. I think it was her saying, “Thanks for the flowers Bree Bree.” When I feel my moms spirit, I’ll feel like my body is completely rested, free or calm. Thats why I know it’s her-when I feel perfect. Because to her-I was.

My mom always wanted me tor realize how incredible of a being I am. I was so lucky to have her to lean on for 26 years.

Fearless, wild, dedicated, inspirational, spontaneous, smart, educated, goal-orientated, tender heart, compassionate, kind, generous, strong, passionate, lovable, fun, silly, loyal and wholesome. These are just a few traits that pop into my head when thinking of the type of mom I want to be. There are a plethora of additional adjectives I strive to become, although there isn’t that much room here to list everything.

I mentioned I had wanted to make a garden for my moms memory, however yet again-the universe had other plans and decided to blow in a cold front! I’ll get your flowers planted I promise!

I can’t be left without feeling bummed that this year is ripping all the experiences away. I had big plans on how to cope through all these “firsts”, and with COVID-19 lockdown and “stay at home” orders, I haven’t been allowed to execute any of these wonderful acts of kindness in your memory. I hope I can continue to make myself proud with my growth and evolution as a woman.

I will close with a positive reflection. If I had been able to do all these things I wanted for you, I wouldn’t have been able to internally cope or emotionally challenge myself to get through such trouble times by myself. I never would be this emotionally strong, I wouldn’t have such intuitions or be as in touch with your spirit mom, would I?

This period of time without you is interesting. You are shaping me-teaching me lessons you previously didn’t know how to execute in the physical world. you are helping me grow. Mom, how in the world did you learn how to make such a powerful impact? Your angel wings must be so magical.

Mommy, Thank you for guiding me in all the most beautiful directions the last 356 sleeps. I wouldn’t have ever been able to imagine I’d become the Bree I am today, if I didn’t have you steering me along the way. Mommy-look at me now!

Mi Amore, hug your moms tight today, tomorrow and all days to come. Oh-what I would do to hold my moms hand one last time.

xox

Spiritual Encounters & Greif playback

Good day beautiful human with their eyes on the screen! I hope this week has brought you never-ending satisfaction and peace; wait who am I kidding? It’s CARONNNNNNA VIIIIIRUUUS. But don’t forget the CONGRATULATIONS! You made it to Friday!

This week has been particularly heavy for me, with the date of moms passing quickly approaching, I find myself becoming increasingly distant and withdrawn from my friends and family. Before my break up, when my anxiety shifted, I aways relied on people around me. My friends hugged and counseled me for hours on end, with me for every single attack. I am not saying my previous methods were “good” skills to utilize, or the “best” way to carry out, but it’s all I knew at that time. Anyway, since we can’t be in close quarters (6ft rule), I’ve learned, miraculously, how to manage my mental health pretty independently.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about controlling your mind is acknowledgment and responsibility. It is not your friends’ job to check in on you, however; if you are feeling low, it’s YOURS to reach out. Hold yourself accountable for your thoughts and behaviors, and learn to separate your thoughts from yourself. Anxiety, depression (along with other mental health diagnoses) are lying to us, telling us untrue facts about ourselves. What I have noticed in my personal journey is that when I feel like I’m starting to fall down, and spiral: I can manage and cope through because I know I have accountability and resources to stay above water. I have the tools now.

Couple amazing experiences happened this week, so grab the popcorn.

My dad’s father passed away quite some time ago. My memory of him is scarce, but he was the best grandpa. Him and I would send letters and cards back and forth because he lived in Colorado. Anyway, he showed up in my dream the other night. It was more of a random dream in the fact that the message that I received isn’t relatable to the current day. I texted my dad the morning after my dream, because I believe that was him saying hi.

I often use symbolism as my “pick me up” moments. Basically, whenever I find something that can relate to a loved one, I generally make the attachment. Seeing cardinals is my message of approval, like what I’m doing lately is “right”. Heck, even a string of green lights is a sign enough for me sometimes. Butterflies that stick around remind me of my angels too. The thing is; there is no wrong answer when it refers to your healing.

Last night I came across the most beautiful sound in the entire world. One voice I haven’t heard live in over a year. Now: I was editing a video, and unaware of how iMovie works, so I was clicking around to the audio files and played one: there she was. Who would have thought 4 seconds would change my entire life so fast. My heart jumped out of my chest so fast, chills instantly covered my body. Tears flooded into my eyes, pouring into my lap; A voicemail from my angel, herself, mom.

I suddenly knew what I needed to do to cope through this. I quickly played one of her old favorite songs: I believe; Fantasia. Opened my camera and watched the timer countdown from 3..2..1…

Action.

I watched myself react to the elegance in Fantasia’s voice, reflecting on how the HELL I just came across that voicemail. I hadn’t even remembered I had them to be honest, and how’d it show up here???. I was certain my mom wanted me to hear her voice at that moment, I just was so moved by the spiritual power I was in awe. I can’t wrap my head around such coincidences; but often find these types of things happening a lot! Tears streamed down my face as I was reserved and broken hearted until the first chorus verse. I quietly sang along, covering my face and hiding behind tears. The video is evidence that Greif comes in waves, incredibly, you can see the progression of healing. Rewatching this video is…just..so powerful….I’m speechless. I was dancing, smiling and singing by the time the last chorus came around, still tearful however but actually healing through it. I felt comfort, peace and ease. I felt clarity and empowerment. I believed. “Wow”, is this what growth feels like?

Coincidence or not? So Mother’s day is this weekend right?! I had just purchased flowers yesterday for a garden I want to make in memory of her. I believe this was her blessing, her telling me she loves what I’m doing lately, she approves of the way I am honoring her. This was her. She’s always here. YOU GUYS! I’m on the other end with my fingertips softly tingling, I can FEEL the energy shifts. This is nothing shy of absolutely incredible; goodness: what a journey.

Wrapping this up here, with all else, please believe in yourself. There was a time not long ago I’d wake up from night terrors, into panic attacks every day. There was a day where I didn’t want to ever see another, hell: a lot of those. I promise you, you are not your diagnosis, you are not your depression-you simply have the wrong tools. Don’t ever give up on your journey. Yours is the most beautiful out there.

with all else, love more

xox

mornings with me

I wanted to do something today against my norm. I often use my blog as my platform of reflection, and updates on my spiritual journey. I typically pour my strongest emotion into my pieces, because I am quite a passionate person. I take an immense amount of pride with my work because, I am proud of it. As you read this blog, you may find that my writers voice sounds different, more narrative. It may be a little more lax, more…real life Bree you could say. Trying a different approach today, different topic-different writers voice.

I am well prepared, with my iced caramel coffee close by. I have the sunshine at my left, and a warm blanket in my lap. I can hear the chirps of pretty birds I am unable to lay eyes on. I sit here with my delicate hands ready to share my intuitive thoughts this morning. I am still changing in and out of my, what I now call, quarantine uniform-consisting of a homemade bleached sweat outfit. My hair is wavy, because I can’t stop curling it or piling on more dry shampoo because I just am not ready to blow-dry it again, and I’m currently out of conditioner. Please don’t get me started on my nails. I walk around dragging my fluffy slippers and sometimes walk around so lazy I fail to lift my feet completely off the ground and just shuffle around the house. Quarantine vibes are real.

Staying alone was a huge fear of mine when I moved out in February. I knew I didn’t want a roommate because I needed to make a space my own, but I also realized it was going to be a challenge to learn to live by myself. I was ready for the challenge. At first, before COVID-19, I was great! I traveled, had friends over sometimes and was fine! Then when lockdown started, I was genuinely upset about missing all the events I had planned and it got difficult being alone. Coincidentally, I am learning to become my best friend, I am learning how to have fun by myself. This is all apart of the journey. This is preparing me for my future solo travel goals. I am embracing this time, learning how to occupy my time in ways it is best beneficial to myself, that in itself is beautiful.

I’ve always been a creature of structure, although not so much routine. I like having new and exciting adventures every day, keeping things out of order. Calm chaos we could call it. I believe routines work for those they work for, and don’t for the other guys. I don’t set an alarm every day, because I work midnight shift. I don’t meal prep on the same days because my schedule changes. I find that boredom turns me stir crazy. I like to work on projects, and decorating and teaching myself that I can do so many things on my own that I didn’t realize! I built a coffee table last night all by myself! Still shook about it.

My favorite quarantine activities have included solo dance parties in my bedroom, Tik Tok creations, painting the office, cleaning, cleaning again, day drinking, singing and dancing more, FaceTiming and eating all my snacks.

My morning will now carry on, for I have homework to work on (BSN in nursing) and meal prep to accomplish and groceries to put away soon, yes I have conditioner coming.

I think narrative writing is great, however this is definitely less of a powerful entry. I’m not sure why I feel slightly disappointed, but I suppose I simply enjoy talking about things that make my soul ignite. Things that make me believe again. The topics that make my heart remember what its supposed to feel like.

Imagine with me: The feeling of electricity through your thoughts when your writing is immaculate. The fluttering of your heart when you know your writing has your emotions into each typed word. The butterflies before you publish, the last minute “what if…” doubts. The weight that comes off my shoulders after a beautifully written entry is a feeling of such relief.

That is what I strive for, that is more my style.

Until the next burst of creativity and inspiration comes,

Much love

xox

“This morning, with her, having coffee”

Johnny Cash’s Definition of Paradise

I am moved by the love for tender moments with one another. Being able to sit hand in hand, enjoying moments and memories under the simplest conditions. Laughing until your bellies hurt: Promising pure intentions at heart.

The purest moments are in the form of intimacy. The way the campfire highlights the purest forms of their smile. The way the stars glisten, and kiss their curves in the shadows. The feeling of home, between their fingertips. The soft caress of gentle hands across your back after a long day. The silly laughs and dance parties late at night. Cooking s’mores over the stovetop after the kids are asleep. The slow dances in the kitchen on anniversary night because a night anywhere with him is a night to remember. The car karaoke dance parties on the way to get groceries. The moments of intimacy include the purest forms of love.

Love keeps us going.

We all have our own definitions, and strive to be and become the best versions of someone else’s. Why can’t we share definitions, merge into one, create multiple versions of another’s language?

It’s all we need to do.

With all,

Mi Amore

xox

If things are blurry, adjust your focus

As the quarantine continues I am increasingly becoming a distant version of myself I tried so hard to get away from.

Grief has been heavy the last week, and it’s becoming more apparent and affective in my daily life. I’m doubting myself, I’m questioning some of the moves I make-struggling to maintain my balance in this mess. My anxiety is in the way. Negative intrusive thoughts have snuck in where my confidence was previously produced.

But with great struggle, comes an even stronger fight. I knew March, April and May would be the hardest months to get through emotionally, having multiple “first” hallmark celebrations without my mom: (my birthday, her birthday & her death anniversary), and settle into my new place-adjusting to living alone. Little did I imagine I’d be forced in a quarantine dealing with it all by myself. Walking into work to watch the deterioration of this pandemic is absolutely devastating. It’s not easy to keep above water, but being able to accomplish such a thing-well, that’s extraordinary.

The ability to recognize emotions and rationales is a remarkable experience. I never imagined myself obtaining such a level of happiness in herself, and to be here-to wake up every day, well is just a beautiful thing. To trust your heart and your goals and spirit, to choose YOU is an accomplishment itself.

The difference between the old Bree I’m referencing in this introduction and the one writing this blog today is: today I know my worth. Today I know my grief, anxiety and insecurities are there to keep me protected from my greatest fears. I can acknowledge them and move them to the side. I have healthy coping skills. I am strong.

I made a life I DREAMED of. I believe in myself this time.

Maintain your spiritual journey. Follow the energy that feels right. I follow the sun! Always! Practice strict self care regimens every single day. Take deep breaths. Pause before responding. Listen to hear, not to react. Practice gratitude every single day. Practice humility. Counteract negative thoughts with positive attitudes, reassuring people talks, and paying it forward! Push your carts back and throw away your gloves/cleaning wipes. Be honest and true to those you hold meaning in your life.

Be good in the world, look at what it has come too.

With love

Xox

Happy Birthday Mommy

I just wanted to make a short and sweet note for you on this special day. Its been almost a year without your physical presence, and some days I race to the phone to call you and then suddenly hit the face of reality that I no longer have that privilege. I quickly remember how we now communicate, through energy and feelings, symbols and animals, dreams and visions. I always have you mommy. For you, I haven’t truly lost.

I hold on to our memories like the most fragile of possessions. I hear the angelic tone of your laughter, and see the radiance in your smile. I hope you see how much everyone loves. you. You are the funniest, most kind and silly woman. I strongly believe you mess with us sometimes.

I know you see all those grand babies you have now! Nana butt is the sweetest pea, Levi is the most handsome newborn and Justin is such an amazing daddy. Kayden is soon to be a big brother to mom, Tio is such a great daddy. Both your boys won that kid game! I think Aja and I will be waiting for a while, so hold your horses!

Life check in: right now the world is in a state of disaster. COVID-19 has obliterated the system and shut us down for a while. My unit at work is training us to be PCU nurses, (super excited for the opportunity ad advancing my nursing career and skill set). I will be replanning my solo trip (I will still definitely be taking trips after this is back to normal). I start my online BSN program and hope to do travel nursing next year, or teaching (both really). I am in a townhouse, loving my space and privacy. I am doing okay. My favorite show right now is scandal, I’ve got some Chinese food coming my way, I’m healthy, and I’m present. I am having a good day today, for you. I made a very emotionally raw youtube video/vlog this morning, and I’m happy that I allowed myself the time to process that before writing you today. Because writing this to you now, is making me happy. I feel you close to me.

Being present in the moment, I am writing a letter to you Mom. This brilliant idea is a last resort effort of what I truly wanted to do to celebrate your life. I will follow through with my original plans for you as soon as allowed. I also love the idea of writing to you, and will be doing this for every year to come. Along with the first traditions of how to celebrate you which will be executed when allotted: I got you a present! I know you’ve seen me wearing it I’m sure. Just a reminder that you always made my life sparkle and shine, and continue to as well.

I will always strive to become the woman I believe I am. A lot of what I want to be came from you. Thank you for being so strong. I love you.

Happy birthday Mommy.

Mi Amore

xox

Birthday Blog

Today I am twenty six years old. I’ve spun around the sun with y’all for a while now. 

I have experienced an immense amount of life to understand that it is full of many disappointments, however if you adjust your focus-its a beautiful ride. I will share twenty six lessons I’ve learned in life thus far . Take each as you please.

  1. Children hold the most pure form of love. Surround yourself with their tender hearts and learn the most.
  2. We are our animals best/only friends, and should treat them that way.
  3. When someone is talking about things they love, look for the glow in their eye. It’s mesmerizing. Always let them talk about whatever it is that makes them shine-I’m telling you!
  4. You can go more than 3 weeks without refilling your nails.
  5. Compliment someone everyday. This is something that takes TWO whole seconds to complete, and can change an individuals life entirely. You never know who the one suffering in silence are. We are the movement. Starts with one.
  6. Tell people you love them, and love with your whole heart-no matter what. Do not lose pieces of yourself on love or relationships that didn’t work out.
  7. Understand what love languages are. Its truly incredible to make people feel good, why not do it the way they have highest potential to receive the intent of your compliments, moments, gifts etc.
  8. Practice self care whenever possible, it is the purest form of self love and highest power of confidence when you can create your own happiness and keep yourself afloat when you’re the only one you’ve got.
  9. Sometimes you gotta put the toilet seat up for yourself. Just put it back how you found it, and wash you hands.
  10. PUT THAT LIP STICK ON and own it. But don’t get pretty for any boy-get pretty for yourself.
  11. Cry when you need to. Experience your emotions, listen to them.
  12. Do NOT ever accept someone disregarding your feelings. You are allowed your own feelings, and they always matter to the people who will aways truly be there for you.
  13. Hold responsibility in your actions, for a reaction occurs regardless.
  14. Keep your intentions pure to yourself. Don’t give up who you are in sacrifice of someone else’s happiness.
  15. Wait until you’re ready to influence your own life. Don’t take peer pressure to make your moves. Work hard for your own future.
  16. Wait until after you start something to share with others, make your moves in silence, (Definitely need to work on this).
  17. Take each moment as an opportunity for your life to change.
  18. Life is more about your attitude than what you do with it. You can have a shitty attitude with a million dollars and still be miserable. Enjoy the simple pleasures. Its really truly what life is about. Find someone to be silly with, to enjoy life with, it’s hard enough already.
  19. Reflect on the things the people closest to you do: you become most like the five people you are around the most. If you don’t like their habits, actions or attitude-change your circle.
  20. You can only let yourself down with personal decisions and dedications. You don’t want to work out? That effects only yourself. Don’t neglect your reflection and soul.
  21. Take pictures. Our grandkids will want to see what life was like for us, what her grandma looked like with sweatpants and messy hair, what family activities and costumes we wore, etc.
  22. Don’t let your ego get in the way of something great. Nobody deserves shit. Don’t let your anxiety either!
  23. Make sure you have DEDICATED time for yourself. Play your favorite songs in your car, in the shower, wherever and SING! “We dance it out, that’s how we finish” Or do whatever you do! You’re alone time doing something you LOVE TO DO! Work out? Do ittttttt tooo!
  24. Have someone or something to believe in. I’ve become much more spiritual since my moms passing, and I have found great comforts in her energy.
  25. If the idea scares the shit out of you just a little bit, it’ll be worth it. It’s all about self discovery here. How will you grow staying in your comfort zone?
  26. When you experience the greatest of heartbreaks, and I’m talking the ones that absolutely destroy you-you an either rise above and grow from it, or let it destroy the rest of your life, forever. Losing my mom was that heartbreak. I had to come out of that for myself, and for her. I couldn’t let her down.

Perhaps I will start doing this more often. It’s a nice shift from the hectic world we are currently dealing with. It helps me get back on track with the core values in life and what this whole mess is about. Sometimes life really doesn’t make any sense and we often wonder “why are these things happening to me”, when we should be thinking: “This experience is going to help me grow into the woman I’ve always wanted to be, I am going to learn so much through this situation.” At least that’s my attitude towards it. 

much love

xox

Second month update

It is increasingly apparent that my efforts in blogging weekly are failing miserably. I am not sure why- however, writers block, life events, and personal changes have kept me unmotivated and off of any healthy coping technique I know. I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been working on crafts, or painting or many other of the project’s I’ve been looing forward too. The world outbreak of COVID-19 has taken control of the methods I’ve previously adapted too during times of high stress, and I am only mildly concern for my future self. I am trying diligently to work on this, and turn it around. I am refreshed at logging into the blog site again, to read my latest blog to my mom; reminds me how much healing writing and vlogging is to me. I experience a multitude of self reflection when writing, and I yearn to seek positives in such current circumstances.

Regardless of the current world crisis, I wanted to reflect on my most recent emotional progress. I have established a work out routine that I enjoy. I have gained definite strength in my efforts, and have since (yesterday) added additional protein to my diet. This shit is really hard to do! I felt so damn bloated yesterday ahaha. I have become the light I have always wanted to be, I am weightless, free, blessed. I planned and vacationed in MIAMI!! I had my first experience on an airplane! Side note: does anyone else feel like being that high in the sky makes you closer to Heaven? Because I got a little spiritually invested and had to say hi to mom up there.  I have experienced TWO days with anxiety and grief  over the last 40ish days. I check up on tasks I want to complete, I choose myself every day. I laugh and smile at strangers again. I compliment people often. These are things I do that make me feel better! Acts of kindness can literally safe a life.

I am not going to lie, the last couple weeks have been terrible. I have been planning a SOLO birthday trip to Arizona, (Bucket list!), I planned a Scandal theme birthday party. I got a new tattoo, my nose pierced, and another tattoo in the works!  Both the party and trip are since postponed due to COVID-19. When I go to Az, the Grand Canyon and Antelope canyon are the two hot ticket places I need to be! Additionally, I am anxiously awaiting April 5th, my moms bday. This is the first bday of hers since she died in May last year-another month I wish to skip. Greif is sneaking in fast with the additional stress in the current world-and every day becomes a harder struggle. Workplace news: Nurses everywhere are pressured to keep patients alive and not spread infection, when physicians can’t order rule out tests fast enough to keep up. Healthcare personal  are potentially exposed to the virus with every patient, computer, door handle, counters we come in contact with-and we are universally on edge. **THANK YOU TO ALL BACKGROUND WORKERS** Cumulatively,  With the turn of events-  I feel extraordinarily guilty for feeling upset about my personal plans, for my current worry of mental health decline,  this is a huge hit for me mentally. I was really looking to do some hard core soul searching in Arizona, I was looking forward to the journey. Its not till forever, it’s see you later.

My most challenging obstacle is myself. I haven’t had to go through so many tough things alone before I always had my person. My mom was my person. My ex was my person. Now both of them are in a different role in my life. Surely I have a multitude of community support and coworkers and friends, but they have their “people” already, and that’s how the big bubbly bree gets left behind most of the time. Also, I don’t wanna be sad to anyone, I want to be the sun. I want someone to feel warm around me, happy, loved, light and beautiful. That’s who I want to be.

I need to rephrase my mind. I am not alone, I have myself. I have my moms spirit, I have bree. This journey is remarkably fucking irritating sometimes, but its mine. The day I get to say  “I fought like hell through that, for myself”. is the day I win. I am fighting for my future self, my future bright, happy, smiley laughing bree!

My journey to self discovery has taken a quick turn of events this year, for I have learned SO MUCH about myself thus far and only continue to grow as each day passes. I only pray to keep my head above water, and my heart full of pure intentions.

Don’t let your crowns slip mi amore.

xox

Hi momma

Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me talking to you inside my own head. do you already know what I’m always feeling? Do you always know what I want to talk to you about?

I hope I’m making you so proud. These last few weeks have taken its toll mommy. Thank you for keeping me afloat. Thank you for keeping me safe.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re sitting here, next to me. I think you are. I can picture you rubbing my back right now.

Thank you for making me so strong. For teaching me to always fight for what I deserve. Thank you for helping me grow.

You haven’t been here in the physical world for some time now, but I know you’re here. Thank you for coming back to me.

I hope you like my new place! It’s everything I’ve dreamed of! It’s not a house but it’s my home for a while! I’m pretty scared, but exited to prove to myself that I’m a badass!

Did you notice how many friends that have my back mom? I’m so proud I have so many supportive friends.

I think we should talk like this more momma. See you soon!

I can’t wait to talk to you again.

Thanks for sitting by me momma.