and then my world started spinning again

with my last post, i mentioned turning the page. sometimes we do it to move on, to keep going or to forget. but remember it’s okay to reread pages-to gain a new understanding of what is yet to come. it’s okay to start over, start fresh and with a new comprehension between two souls.

it doesn’t need to make sense to anyone except the ones reading, living and experiencing such.

one of the biggest turning points in my life was when i thought i lost who i was. one of the greatest lessons i learned was to never give up on who i wanted to be. this goes into effect with the rest of the words to follow.

with the crack in my spirit, i have prayed for healing. i looked for every sign i could that made me feel the presence of my mom, begging for clarity. it took patience and moments of fear that felt heavier than a ton of bricks on my chest, but it happened. i didn’t realize, until today, it meant going back and pressing restart. replay it-your story, reread it, to hear the words aloud and see a clearer outcome. i do this, i did this, to rekindle the spirit i had behind a cloud. i realize now she was there the whole time, waiting for today.

i’ll forever remember the relief in my heart, soul and spirit when i knew i was truly enough the whole time. more importantly, my world was back.

the first embrace was the initial reminder that i never want to let go again, and he wanted to be back. i never want to say goodbye again.

the beautiful glow looking into his eyes filled my soul with intense and growing compassion, for i felt the pain he experienced as much as my own. i promise you’ll never be alone.

remember that the sun comes back out. things begin to make more sense, and the anxieties of the past dissipate into the air which now flows freshly into my lungs.

don’t let the lives of others influence that of your own. feelings matter the most to the one experiencing them, and you’re the most important.

all for now mi amore,

xox

turn the page

i’d never imagine this year to turn out the way it did. i’ve overcome so many challenges, worked through tremendous personal growth, and learned how a true lady should be treated.

old bree would still be going through all the stages of grief, for any loss exhibits feelings and panic in my soul…but, new bree is okay.

for the last nine months, my life has been a learning curve. Learning how to establish my confidence, self respect and learning to never regret communication or love given are the top lessons thus far.

i am an intense person, for i will never apologize for that. i feel deep emotions, express love in any way i know possible. i carry a hue to me that i am so proud to have. i am passionate, kind, funny, intelligent and driven. i have an established career, hustle hard and always strive to be the best person i can. life definitely tries to damage the progress, but i have yet to fall.

this week has reminded me to focus on myself, my goals and the future i want. it reminded me that sometimes yellow flags are still red ones, and to never assume something is more than it is. it taught me to reignite my intuition.

i experienced a loss of the one i really fell hard for… i am hurt but okay. i am happy that i had so many moments with him, for my growth was supported by the freeing feeling in my soul when we were together. he taught me to make sure to always have fun, to never apologize for expressing emotions and to stick up for what i want through efficient communication. he helped me realize i was enough, more than enough, for the right one. he taught me it was okay to not be okay, and okay to be my wild self all at the same time. he taught me i wasn’t too much for the one that i’m supposed to have. he helped me learn how to be myself, and for that i am endlessly thankful.

i’ll forever value for the time we spent, for i am a better person because of us, what we were for some time.

the clock still ticks and the sun still rises, regardless. pick your head up and shine baby, it ain’t over yet.

with all else, love more

xox

stay above the thoughts that drown your spirit

It’s been some time since I’ve eloquently drafted my thoughts into a blog creation. The last few weeks I’ve been paddling through anxious and uneasy thoughts, trying to maintain my equilibrium. Proud to say though, I’ve finally experienced clarity and surpassed the surface. I am ready to rise again.

I want to take a brief moment and thank whoever takes the time to read through these posts. My writers voice has evolved quickly, and through the nights I spend immersed in thought, I utilize this platform as a release. I re-read my posts, remembering the moments I struggled at reflection, praying to that girl I was. I write to share and educate through my journey, that healing is possible. I have received feedback from multiple people that draw me to tears, for their compliments hold power dear to my heart. Writing is a passion. I am thankful for the opportunity to potentially inspire you, guide you or offer any type of clarity in your own life. I also want to say that I have gotten a share of negativity from this as well. After a moment, I realized negativity is just a reflection on the character projecting such ideas. Satisfying unpopular opinions of others’ hostile feelings is no tea for me. Please find the “close tab” and take a moment with yourself if you’re feeling inclined to comment anything other than supportive to my posts. Carry on;

I have noticed a pattern in my human nature. I often strive to perform in excellence, juggling multiple hobbies and responsibilities with ease. I can do this well, until I can’t.

I don’t accept much less than exceptional performance from myself, so when I have to adjust my plans because they were overzealous-I become buried in critique from my subconscious mind. These thoughts create a version of myself I only remember because it is her I don’t want to become again. For she doubted every move she made, asked everyone what is in her best interest, consequently falling into negative thought trains. However, this “she” no longer exists.

It isn’t about how fast you go-but how you held yourself through the events of life that is.

I can’t ignore my gratitude for the people I have allowed to be apart of my life. Yes: allowed. We are responsible for creating and maintaining energy in which we reflect, and embrace in our daily lives. If you don’t like what you’re becoming, adjust your focus and figure out what drains your energies, your spirit and clouds your mind. Execute changes in the real world that free your spirit-and accept that it’s your time to shine. I have never had such incredible individuals around me, recognizing and encouraging me every day until now. They empower and guide me, inspiring me to carry on this immensely beautiful life.

The times when I planned my “last’s”: my last piece of writing, last visit with friends, last moments around strangers, down to where I was to take my final breath, I truly was at such a horrific place. I was deeply connected to the version of me I had always been-rather trained to be, through years of unprocessed trauma, provoked by unsettling relations with others. I never considered giving myself a chance at purity, and I just wanted to be the sun.

Sometimes when I’m writing these blogs I kinda go back in my mind to what I was going through during that time…I honestly can’t believe I pulled myself out of whatever storm I got caught in for so many years. I want to hug her, the Bree from last fall, all the way to the Bree in adolescence. This girl can get through anything. I think I know my purpose here, and I have some ground to cover yet.

I made a personal goal when I decided to move into my own place, as a single woman in her twenty somethings. I was to NEVER dim my light, lower standards or fall victim to toxicity again, (especially not to expel toxicity) . I created the woman I wanted me to be, with a simple image. In my head, I created someone filled with qualities and traits that reflect my ideal self. She has: confidence, strength, courage, passion, elegance, humility, graciousness, kindness, intelligence and much more. I graciously gave last chances, peace offerings and lost a lot of energy along the way adjusting my circle. Regardless of the effort, I never stoped pursuing this woman. I never stopped chasing the sun, until I became it.

My biggest flex is finding myself. I mean this. I never used to know some of the things I now know about myself. For example: I can build a coffee table, grill and hammock by myself. I create meals that feed your soul. I can paint well, creatively on canvas as well as walls. I am outgoing. I am pretty weird too. I can dress well. I can trust my decisions. I am happy. I can identify my triggers. I can communicate efficiently. I am CONFIDENT. I enjoy gazing into the sunrise, sunset, campfires and most of all, the glow in his eyes when he looks into mine.

Don’t ever give up on your story, for the next chapter is just a page away.

Utilize your energy, maintain your productivity and STRAIGHTEN YOUR CROWN!

with all else,

love more

serenity sanctuary

You must intentionally practice happiness to become it.

Each waking day is full of opportunities to enhance yourself. To fill the air with gentle and caring words, you are fueling the spark in your heart. Ignite your light, water your soul.

I’d have to say, although I have processed and worked through a tremendous amount of past trauma in the beginning of this year-to work on yourself is a job never finished. It takes dedication and precision to maintain adequate equilibrium in your soul. It takes recognition of triggers and patience to grow.

I promise it’s worth it. I will also promise it may be scary, uncomfortable, and may even provoke more anxiety…but you’re WORTH it. It can be discouraging-the days you fall behind the line of progression, but getting through those days can teach you how to utilize coping skills to maintain your new found self. I was terrified of who I’d become once my mind was clear of its previous script. However, I cleared room for the positivity I now hold, radiate and share with those around me.

I absolutely know my progress is because of my endless efforts and knowing I have a greater purpose in this life. I am evolving into that, more every day. I also know I have the people closest to me to thank. For endless support, for accepting me for who I was, even when I wasn’t the greatest. Those are the people I am so proud to have, for I will forever straighten their crowns-because they held and supported me while I fixed mine.

Two people particularly stick out in my mind, being the greatest two influences in the last year. Of course my mom, for her transition out of the physical world left me fighting my ass off to stay above the suffocating depression and anxiety I sufficed too. What I learned to appreciate was the way she could guide me through life, in a new found way. She taught me how to trust, how to evolve and how to actually have a clear mind. She taught me not everything has to be figured out at once, labeled or on a time limit. She taught me to live, moments at a time. She taught me what it’s like to live in peace.

Then there’s him. Who became my best friend over just a couple months, who (without knowing it), made me realize it’s okay to be my quirky self. Neither of us had any idea (I don’t think) that we’d click so well, or have such great times together, but we’re both cool with it! ☺️ He also helped my confidence, by actually encouraging me to participate and practice hobbies I previously neglected. I know he wasn’t doing anything intentional to impress me, but him being his genuine self guided me into comfort because he accepted all the goofiness I projected, and then soon enough I became that, all the time! I could finally breathe, and be my true self with him. I wasn’t embarrassed to sing songs, do my little dance or express anything to him. It was him that made me realize what safe space felt like, what maturity in a man was, what effort and passion felt like. It was with him at my side, cheering me on, that helped me gain security within myself. I never could have dreamed of someone so spectacular, to be the same one who cared about me that much. It’s an intense feeling, one I wouldn’t want to rush. Moments we create together I want nothing more to hold on too, than rush forward.

That’s the thing though, life doesn’t give you what you want during the time you think you want it. Life gives you what you put into it. Then one day, the energy in your life switches-and everything begins to fall into the place you once only dreamed of. Also remember that your life only has to make sense to you, so be secure in your decisions and private life, it’s your business.

In the earlier days I doubted my new reality. I was in disbelief that it was really my time, to be truly happy. It’s safe to say, this is who I am now. I am ever so proud to be able to manage and cope through things that previously triggered me into endless panic attacks and overwhelming feelings of doom. I am thankful, to myself-every day, for never giving up on my journey.

In the end, we have to fight for ourselves to gain progress. Ensure the circle of individuals you surround yourself with are those that encourage, love and challenge you to be your greatest.

Being able to truly change the patterns of negative thinking and adapt to a new lifestyle is eye opening. I never knew I could actually become the version of me I always wanted. Now that I did, I have become intensely proud and confident. This woman looking back in the mirror is quite extraordinary.

Take a moment and reflect on what your aspirations were when you were younger. I usually go to the age when I decided I wanted to be a nurse…because not only was I an adolescent, I was also confused, unheard and naive. I never thought I held the brain capacity to become half of what I am today. Think of that moment for you, what your dreams were. The friends that you wanted, the job/career, support and partner you dreamed to become and with the person you dream to share a life with. Are you happy with where you are, who you’ve become?

Make it your goal to wake up and intentionally bring positive thoughts into your mind. Enjoy the sounds of nature or your favorite songs and embrace yourself with the same tender love you give so freely to others. It’s time to water your own soil.

I’ll be here, to watch you grow.

All for now mi amore,

xox

when the flame ignites

I’ve noticed a development in my journey that has coincidentally set me back a little from my progress.

It’s really important-during the lows, to have a couple people to ground you. However, this alone won’t solve anything. It’s purely for identification and acknowledgement of events-for progress to begin again. It is ok, to not be ok. It is however vital to take a step back, adjust your focus, reassess your goals and strive for progression.

No matter what we do for ourselves, triggers will exist. It is not the goal for them to be obsolete, but manageable. It is vital to recognize such toxic thoughts, and shutting them down before they become systemic and overwhelm your senses. Additionally, it’s important to remain realistic and to back up your intrusive mind with factual evidence to prove it’s tricking you into believing something entirely untrue. Trick is, you gotta catch it before it takes over. If you sit on the early stages of intrusive thoughts, you’re allowing that energy to consume you. After a short period of time, those thoughts create an entire situation out of absolutely nothing. It is upon that FIRST thought, that action must occur.

Positive thought reenforcement is a step toward thought training that possesses immense power within. With the first signs of intrusive, negative energy and thoughts of doubt, you may not even realize it’s happening. For me, I was having a day of “meh”, then after my shift and nap, I woke up in panic. There was no going back, no “undo” button for this one. I sabotaged myself in this one, I let the space fill with stories, during my “meh” moments, before trying to shut them down. That was my mistake, giving the thoughts even a moment of attention.

One of my greatest fears is that of abandonment. I am terrified the ones I love will forget about me, some way, some how. Although, to top the charts: I remain apprehensive and believe that I’m not important enough to be anyone’s “person”. I don’t know when that fear began, but with my past full of comments on how I could be so easily replaced, in addition to simply choosing the wrong people to be close too, I created more and more traits that lead me to dependency. I was raised to believe space means no love exists, and for that-creates one hell of a problem. I used to be completely tied into my partners, losing my individuality entirely. You see, I really didn’t realize I was dependent until I learned what it was like to be INDEPENDENT in seeking an actual, true partner. Because that’s what we’re suppose to be, individuals who choose to accompany each other through the journey of life. The purpose is to keep your individuality, and I am realizing that now.

This is easily my biggest fault, for I have to pay particular attention to how I utilize my efforts, because in order to grow and become who I truly know I can, I must drop these tendencies. I must work through them, and eventually understand I was the only one stopping me from my progress.

I’d say I am often overly communicative in my efforts. I think this has to do with the fact that I enjoy company, conversation and simply find comfort in feeling wanted. I have since recognized this and am reforming my thoughts and intentions. For space is not negativity, but comfort and security within.

Always remember how far you’ve come, since your journey began. Never belittle yourself, even in the moments you feel like breaking. I promise you, with genuine support and consistent effort comes immense growth. With dedication to oneself, self care and tender love, you will morph into that person you’ve always seen yourself as, or wanted to become.

with all else, love more

xox

find comfort in your reflection, adhere to your progression

I have astonished myself this year with personal development-experiencing the most productive growth over the last eight months than that of the last ten years. My mental health and self-confidence have never been this secure. Respectfully, I owe this all to myself, for I left my soul neglected far too long.

How did/do I turn it around, successfully and whole heartedly?

Well…I often watch motivational videos and follow influencers, who trigger my intuitive thoughts and challenge me to continue my growth and pursue my passions. If you haven’t watched Will Smith’s videos on youtube-start today. He is one of the top individuals that trigger my intuition, and instill confidence in my efforts. Additionally, I search and read blogs of women who possess confidence, strength and independence. I learn their habits and tweak them to create my own. I practice affirmations, keep up with my hobbies and intentionally train my intrusive thoughts into positive ones. This was really hard initially, but once you get an intrusive thought-counteract that with three positive ones, and release the negativity. Consistency is key. I practice efficient hygiene efforts, which keep my body in motion. The simpliest acts of self care are just as important to mental heath. Don’t forget about your physical self too! Additionally, I consciously and purposely reach out to my friends and ask if they are in need of any supportive care, talks or silence. I yearn to instill positivity in the lives of those I am around. I basically run around shitting glitter everywhere I can, to make anyone around me smile. I am the sun-(not in a blinding you way, but a I want you to feel warm, bright and important way).

This week I came across a video that really struck me. This woman was talking about how most people, (primarily us women) expect others to recognize those traits about us we wish people would point out. Come on, we know- It’s those things you want your boyfriend to take pictures of you doing, or make comments about-or your best friends at that, whoever doesn’t matter, its the fact of such that does.

You know, like how you light up when you talk about your favorite ice cream, the way you wiggle when you eat that first bite of food, the way you literally glow when you play with children, the amount of enjoyment you get looking into the night sky, the pure joy from the simple pleasures of life, the light in your eyes when you reflect on your career goals, the passion that’s heard when you talk about your work, the silly dances you do in your car that bring out your goofy side, the puns you deliver poorly because you laugh the whole way through, the quirky and dorky texts you send to get someone to smile, the random acts of kindnes you perform just to remind someone they matter, the offerance of mental health support and advocation that make you the beautiul, passionate and empathic person you are…

THOSE. I was ignited with much inspiration to write about all the things that make me, me. The intention of her video reflected it is inappropriate to expect others to notice such qualities and traits, when you yourself can’t even recognize them. Take a moment after this blog, and evaluate those quirks within yourself, acknowledge the traits that make your beautiful soul shine.

One reservation I have had during the early times of self improvement was doubt. I was doubtful that I wouldn’t love this new me, I didn’t know who I was without the presence of anxiety and depression. I was scared to lose that part of myself, cus it had always been apart of me. But as I have found, release of such negativity opens the window of creative, compassionate, immaculate beauty. Recognize and release your toxic traits to make room for yourself to shine.

Don’t ever stop trying to be the best of yourself. We are all here for a purpose, for whatever it is you yearn out there, you deserve. Utilize self help resources, for they are immensely helpful at self relfection efforts. Don’t be afraid to grow as a person, you’re allowed to change.

With all else, love more

xox

bloom baby, bloom

I can’t stop myself from this feeling, it’s paralyzing. It’s beautiful, passionate and inspiring.

Where literally no fears exist, no intrusive energies try to corrupt my progress. A world of mine-in which finally feels right.

I was shocked at first, that my life could actually be this great. I wasn’t sure if it was all another “lesson”, or if it really was my time. Thankfully the latter seems to be my new reality.

Of course most people dream of their fairy tale-type life. The things they want in a partner, friends and family. Those little things that mean the most to you, that you want someone to recognize. The ability to form passionate and intense connection with someone who makes you want to be even greater. Someone who encourages you to continue and grow as an individual, to then grow together. The person you can approach about anything with comfort.

Additionally, whatever else composed in your dreams of love, is a goal you can reach.

Don’t ever give up on what your dreams aspire to become. Keep the flame of your intuition lit, it’ll steer you in the direction of your dreams. Your intuition leads your reality, just listen.

One of the most important things I’ve learned this year is acceptance. Initially, I accepted that I had to recover from the traumas of my past. I had to improve on my emotional responses, doubts and previous wounds. I needed to become a better me. I trusted myself, loved myself and delivered tender care to my soul. This was not completed with ease, in fact, this was the hardest hurdle. Naturally, the universe challenged my character, for that is when I bloomed.

Things fell into place quicker than I anticipated. My mind training finally clicked and I accepted the value that I deserved this life. I am experiencing individuality and immense growth through my personal hobbies and accomplishments. I acknowledge and process emotions in a healthy way, and I am secure.

Through a life where I once felt threatened, I am now safe.

Thank you. For delivering consistent efforts and communication throughout our time together. Thank you for patience, honesty and transparency. Thank you for support, compassion and trust. It is you that also changed my world into this incredible reality I always hoped for. Words can’t possible come together well enough for me to express my gratitude for you. I only hope to make you feel as comfortable and loved as you do for me.

Take a large breath of fresh air today, inhale the radiance and warmth from above and exhale your fears. Love yourself more, and always exhibit kindness in your actions. Nurture yourself, let yourself grow.

xox

mi amore

from the past

If you’re reading this blog post, confused at who I have become-then you truly don’t know me anymore. I could care less who reads my posts, for my writings are purely therapeutic. This is for me.

I closed my life on my past-for good. No looking back into the rear-view, I chase the sun. I am no longer the girl who was trapped in unhealthy behaviors and absence of coping skills.

I no longer feel stranded by my thoughts, isolation or insecurities. I am better.

For that, we all must move on. We’re to utilize our full potential, and unleash the traps previously planted where we thought love was shared.

Chase the sun with me, become it, radiate it.

Breathe in, embrace your truths, let your inner self shine. If it’s uncomfortable, you’re surrounded by the wrong people. Find the ones that reciprocate your energy and challenge you to grow. Find your tribe.

Being confident in who you are is a vital first step to attaining the comfort needed to truly unleash your full self.

Start small: Write down five complimentary words to describe your heart, brain or soul. Perhaps record yourself reading them with “I am…” prefacing. Keep the video, listen to it the next three mornings. Repeat.

Small rituals as the one just described can trigger your intuition, and rewire your thoughts.

Ensure consistency in your efforts at self saving.

Preserve your heart and delicacy dear, for you have growth yet to accomplish.

and…with all else, love more

xox mi amore

just a letter

Oh sweetheart, the days may be dark now, but storms don’t last forever. The moments where nothing can go right will subside. For whatever reasons, you must stay diligent and strong willed in the end.

Face it, till you make it.

At least you’re learning growth is pursued outside your norm. Put yourself out there to shine a little, you’d be amazed at the results.

It’s euphoric, really, to recollect on what I thought I was. I promise, you’ll feel it soon.

Remember your accomplishments. Remember your determination, strength and passion for that of what you love.

Listen to yourself speak the words of songs and those of your own. Inhale, exhale. Laugh a little.

Remember that the energy around you reflects the energy you give. Actively practice gratitude to those deserving. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, challenge you, and support your goals!

with all else, be kind

xox

looks good to feel good

Healing occurs when you are transparent to yourself. For each morning and passing moment is a chance to encourage positive thoughts. Ultimately, this way of thinking results in positive energy radiating around you.

When you are confident, your skin glows against the aurora you create. For you light up your entire path. You nurture, empathize and care whole heartedly. More importantly, you acknowledge and let go of thoughts that fed past anxieties.

You are happy. No longer are the times you sit, fragile and frail, a soul too tender to feel anything but pain.

You accept this as your reality, finally feeling free from crippling thoughts. You smile bigger, walk taller and laugh louder. People notice this about you, for they hadn’t yet see you shine so bright.

Remember the door of anxiety is that of a revolving one. When thoughts come back in attempts of feeding insecurities, thank your mind for trying to keep you safe, and let that go. You know your truths, validate them. Speak to yourself with gentle grace and compassion, and love your whole reflection. For your heart is that of gold.

mi amore,

with all else, love you first

xox