Rise

Always remember your roots, for they withstood the truths of your world. Embrace your reality, you’re the best you’ve been. Succeed and ponder that of who you wish to become.

Above all else, stay above

Much love mi amore

Xox

every day missing you

You always told me I’d be better off without you. I hope you know that was incredibly incorrect to assume.

The day of my graduation was the last happy day we had. I remember seeing you from my seat waiting to walk up to that diploma, with the brightest and lightest smile. I remember hearing your excited cheers, knowing I finished my degree. You were so proud of me. Thats what everyone says. My heart knows its true, but I wish I could hear it one last time, from you.

It is ever so difficult to reminisce on this day. Today I actually became a registered nurse, taking and successfully passing my NCLEX (board exams for nurses). I remember walking out of the exam, 265 questions later, after two and a half hours at a computer screen in tears. I allowed myself to shed just two tears, one for you mom and one for finishing. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be proud that I still made it through three weeks of studying after you left this physical world, and didn’t give up on my personal goals.

I do have reservations against celebrating my accomplishments. I literally can not fathom the idea of being happy that I finished and passed NCLEX, because you died. I gave up on celebrating with a party, I fell into a pit of depression, and got so bad I dialed hospital numbers and debated inpatient treatment for months. I was shamed in my relationship for feeling so sad, broken and lost without you. I couldn’t sleep, I had terrors at least a couple times a week, waking up gasping for air because I was suffocated by my psychie. My codependency traits multiplied and I lost control at a new magnitude.

I am thankful to have been able to recognize the traits I possessed in which were causing me more harm than their benefits. I spent endless nights crying silent tears of desperation in hopes my life would make a change. What I had to realize, was the first step is changing your environment. I debated for months on what I truly valued in life, what I believed in, and what I wanted my life to look like.

It wasn’t until I realized that, that my life changed.

I won’t ever fall victim to the same patterns, because I now know and understand how to recognize and work through tragedy with grace. I want to be better, I know this is a realistic expecation now. Things may have been messy at times, but now my life is that of a dream.

I have endless support from my friends, family and career. I am able to identify and pursue dreams with confidence. I can work through trauma in a more efficient way, I am growing every day.

With a last thought, don’t ever forget the steps in which you take that make you feel big. Be you, love hard and never give up.

with all, be kind

mi amore

xox

It’s about the journey

When you reach the finish line, do you critique your endeavors on your path to success, or do you congratulate your new accomplishment remarkably?

One thing I’ve realized in the last five months is that it doesn’t matter where you start, how you ended, or the neglects you’ve experienced that caused your current situation. What matters is simply the interpretation of your purpose, humility, and your heart through it all.

Do you treat others with kindness? What about yourself? Are you gentle to your reflection, successes and endeavors? Your actions toward others reflect many things. Ponder the response in how you experience human interactions. Often times those surrounded by negativity are the reason for it as well. Come over to the sun with me, let’s be free.

My journey has been significant to say the least. Sometimes when I share my experiences I fail to recognize the amount of trauma I’ve experienced, because I now don’t associate my life with such negativity. I understand I’ve experienced devastating traumas in my life, but that’s shaped me into the wonderful ray of sunshine I am today. I want to focus on the exponential growth and soul searching that has gotten me to where I am today, however will elaborate slightly on my past, because reflection is quite an important part of the healing process.

A little background info for those newly joining: In January I ended a significant relationship with someone who I was ready to settle down into life with. What I failed to realize then is that not all people are as good for you as you want them to be. Now, this by no means is indicative of either one of us being in the wrong, for I will respect our privacy in that regard-but in all fairness, we just weren’t right as a united couple. I lost my mom in May of last year and I’ve sufficed through the devastating “first” holidays and birthdays without my mom. Contrary to some, I’ve come out of these things with an entirely different view on life. I’ve developed confidence in myself, fitness routines and developed my overall health. I am awakened each morning (or afternoon cus I work nights) to the pleasant thoughts of daily gratitude and energy radiating from my soul.

I can’t express the intense feelings I felt in the last ten years battling severe depression and anxiety with the greatest of ease, however I will create an abstract. My anxiety sky rocketed and turned into endless hours of panic attacks with a relationship over a couple years ago. Since then I’ve been so awful to myself, so crushing and negative. My mornings began entangled in passive intentions at harming myself more often than I want to admit. However, I always knew deep down, my job here is still in process.

Remember that each human you have contact with is an opportunity to be kind, generous and supportive too. Ask your friends genuine questions, remember small details of things they love, give those random compliments and appreciate and support one another! This world is so cruel we should yearn to be greater.

With all else,

Xox

Mi amore

Hammock thoughts

They say empaths struggle with fatigue because they give their energy for others’ needs.

I’d say I’d experience this as true. We often understand what life would be like similarly if we lived lives like others’, or experienced situations they had. We relate to you personally because we know what we would feel in your place, and we feel it for you too.

I’d say it’s one of my best qualities: being empathetic. I am gifted with the ability to bond and relate well to others. It makes me a great nurse. I am humbled by the opportunity at hand. Every day is a new chance to spread kindness to the world.

For everyone is deserving of compassion.

With this mindset, I have gained remarkable friendships and relationships along the twenty-six year (and counting) journey I’ve been on. I have learned and established methods of improving communications, I have dedicated my powers to advocating and supporting those relationships I cherish dearly.

I am thankful for the opportunities I have created for myself, and I am hopeful to inspire young souls who aspire one day to be their greatest success.

In a place so filled with storms, be the sun. For your actions reflect your own growth, regardless of those watchful eyes.

Xox

mi amore

Status quo

I’ve been really busy becoming this version of myself I never knew could exist, and for that I am incredibly thankful. One of my first blog posts was about my journey with mental health, and although it was always my end goal-I’ve always wondered what it felt like to wake up without suffocation of terror, anxiety and impending doom. I wanted to know what a deep breath felt like without hours of hyperventilation, screaming tears, kicking legs and insecurities.

Now I know. Its grounding your feet onto the ground. Feeling the ground under your feat, centering you balance, focusing your mind on what you smell, see, feel. Its being able to identify your upsets, and accepting your feelings rather than fighting them. It’s being in the moment. Its allowing the feeling, and then releasing.

It’s waking up to chirping birds, the sweet rays of sunshine beaming through the cracks in the blinds and the sleepy groggy morning stretches, all with my thoughts of gratitude and small talks to mommy.

She still isn’t here enough. I want her back. Today I feel obsessed with her absence and I’m not okay with it.

Regardless of how her presence, (or lack of) is obliged during my days, she has been with me a lot lately. I know this is true, for not all life events in my life are circumstance.

Her passing taught me to fight for myself, she’s trying to show me I can do anything in the world. She shows up when I learn new hobbies, put something together, cook amazing food, workout, and during the times I need her the most. She shows up when I realize my potential, my compassion, my best traits and my worth. She’s here with me, still fighting for me, by my side every day. I find such comfort knowing she understands me from a different point of view now, for she knows how to be exponentially helpful in guiding my spirits.

I’ve been learning how to be pretty handy lately! I put together lots of stuff this month! Feels really good to be mostly independent, let me tell yah! It’s so empowering, being able to assemble coffee tables, grills or other around the house projects by myself! I never knew I could really do these things. I previously doubted everything I wanted to do, leaving me stranded and suffocated in doubt. Not anymore.

I started my second BSN class and it’s quite the challenge getting back into the swing of things. I really love this class though, and it’s focus on nursing history-Not only am I learning so much, but I’m really enjoying the writing process through the program. As much as I despise citations, I still enjoy the ability to practice my writing and tweak my writers voice. I’ve received multiple compliments on my writings (discussion boards and essay) from my instructor and other students, which is incredible. This is probably one of my favorite compliments because it compliments my intelligence and there’s nothing better than that!

With all else, I wanted to recognize that with growth still comes trial and error. In order to succeed in life, one must fail-often. We establish goals, practice and work toward them (failure) until we reach, conquer and create more. Never stop pushing yourself to grow. Do something today that will make tomorrow’s you proud.

For tomorrow is never promised, say “I love you” to all of those today.

With love

Xox

a day for moms

Good morning to the incredible women who helped build the lives we life, who sacrifice more of herself daily to others she serves, with no complaints. To the selfless heroes that keep the world spinning; happy mom day.

Today is a day for nurturers; a day for the women who place their heart on their sleeve. For the moms, the moms to be, the mom of the group, interim moms, foster moms, the fur moms, grand-moms, fake moms, step moms, aspiring moms: Happy Mother’s Day.

This is the first Mother’s Day without my mom’s physical presence, and so far that’s all I have acknowledged. I have been anxiously anticipating this day all month. How was I going to cope through this “first”? I have to admit, my guilt and anxieties have been elevating and had reached the peak the last two weeks. I fell into a two week binger of margaritas and bad choreographed dance moves. I was moody, irritable and manic, I stayed up 22 hours at a time, sleeping less than 6, I was exhausted. Obviously, I was coping wrong. To mange this crisis: I decided to take extra PTO days (we’re technically a closed unit right now, however our manager is trying to reassign us to other areas of the hospital for staffing.) Anyways: with the extra couple days I decided to get my shit back on track. I stopped the solo partying ways and got back on my productivity and healthy coping mechanism train. Maintain responsibility and accountability with your improper coping behaviors! I am happy to report, this works.

When life gets blurry, adjust your focus. Don’t throw the whole camera away, you are more valuable than any “moment” in time-for you deserve your life in it’s entirety.

I believe I have learned to identify when my mom is nearby. Sometimes I wonder if she watches me from heaven, like a TV-checking in periodically to ensure my safety, or if she’s able to always be with me all the time. Can angels be everywhere at any time? Usually, I will feel her around me after I make a decision or buy something. For example: I purchased mothers day flowers on Friday. Early Saturday morning I still hadn’t slept and was working on a video project for my friend. I was up all day and night and was trying to finish the video when I randomly and unexpectedly came across a voicemail from her saying, “Hey its mom, give me a call, I love you.” This was the most chilling and surprising thing to happen in a very long time. This is just one of the weird coincidences I’ve noticed over the last couple months, being the most recent occurance. I think it was her saying, “Thanks for the flowers Bree Bree.” When I feel my moms spirit, I’ll feel like my body is completely rested, free or calm. Thats why I know it’s her-when I feel perfect. Because to her-I was.

My mom always wanted me tor realize how incredible of a being I am. I was so lucky to have her to lean on for 26 years.

Fearless, wild, dedicated, inspirational, spontaneous, smart, educated, goal-orientated, tender heart, compassionate, kind, generous, strong, passionate, lovable, fun, silly, loyal and wholesome. These are just a few traits that pop into my head when thinking of the type of mom I want to be. There are a plethora of additional adjectives I strive to become, although there isn’t that much room here to list everything.

I mentioned I had wanted to make a garden for my moms memory, however yet again-the universe had other plans and decided to blow in a cold front! I’ll get your flowers planted I promise!

I can’t be left without feeling bummed that this year is ripping all the experiences away. I had big plans on how to cope through all these “firsts”, and with COVID-19 lockdown and “stay at home” orders, I haven’t been allowed to execute any of these wonderful acts of kindness in your memory. I hope I can continue to make myself proud with my growth and evolution as a woman.

I will close with a positive reflection. If I had been able to do all these things I wanted for you, I wouldn’t have been able to internally cope or emotionally challenge myself to get through such trouble times by myself. I never would be this emotionally strong, I wouldn’t have such intuitions or be as in touch with your spirit mom, would I?

This period of time without you is interesting. You are shaping me-teaching me lessons you previously didn’t know how to execute in the physical world. you are helping me grow. Mom, how in the world did you learn how to make such a powerful impact? Your angel wings must be so magical.

Mommy, Thank you for guiding me in all the most beautiful directions the last 356 sleeps. I wouldn’t have ever been able to imagine I’d become the Bree I am today, if I didn’t have you steering me along the way. Mommy-look at me now!

Mi Amore, hug your moms tight today, tomorrow and all days to come. Oh-what I would do to hold my moms hand one last time.

xox

Spiritual Encounters & Greif playback

Good day beautiful human with their eyes on the screen! I hope this week has brought you never-ending satisfaction and peace; wait who am I kidding? It’s CARONNNNNNA VIIIIIRUUUS. But don’t forget the CONGRATULATIONS! You made it to Friday!

This week has been particularly heavy for me, with the date of moms passing quickly approaching, I find myself becoming increasingly distant and withdrawn from my friends and family. Before my break up, when my anxiety shifted, I aways relied on people around me. My friends hugged and counseled me for hours on end, with me for every single attack. I am not saying my previous methods were “good” skills to utilize, or the “best” way to carry out, but it’s all I knew at that time. Anyway, since we can’t be in close quarters (6ft rule), I’ve learned, miraculously, how to manage my mental health pretty independently.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about controlling your mind is acknowledgment and responsibility. It is not your friends’ job to check in on you, however; if you are feeling low, it’s YOURS to reach out. Hold yourself accountable for your thoughts and behaviors, and learn to separate your thoughts from yourself. Anxiety, depression (along with other mental health diagnoses) are lying to us, telling us untrue facts about ourselves. What I have noticed in my personal journey is that when I feel like I’m starting to fall down, and spiral: I can manage and cope through because I know I have accountability and resources to stay above water. I have the tools now.

Couple amazing experiences happened this week, so grab the popcorn.

My dad’s father passed away quite some time ago. My memory of him is scarce, but he was the best grandpa. Him and I would send letters and cards back and forth because he lived in Colorado. Anyway, he showed up in my dream the other night. It was more of a random dream in the fact that the message that I received isn’t relatable to the current day. I texted my dad the morning after my dream, because I believe that was him saying hi.

I often use symbolism as my “pick me up” moments. Basically, whenever I find something that can relate to a loved one, I generally make the attachment. Seeing cardinals is my message of approval, like what I’m doing lately is “right”. Heck, even a string of green lights is a sign enough for me sometimes. Butterflies that stick around remind me of my angels too. The thing is; there is no wrong answer when it refers to your healing.

Last night I came across the most beautiful sound in the entire world. One voice I haven’t heard live in over a year. Now: I was editing a video, and unaware of how iMovie works, so I was clicking around to the audio files and played one: there she was. Who would have thought 4 seconds would change my entire life so fast. My heart jumped out of my chest so fast, chills instantly covered my body. Tears flooded into my eyes, pouring into my lap; A voicemail from my angel, herself, mom.

I suddenly knew what I needed to do to cope through this. I quickly played one of her old favorite songs: I believe; Fantasia. Opened my camera and watched the timer countdown from 3..2..1…

Action.

I watched myself react to the elegance in Fantasia’s voice, reflecting on how the HELL I just came across that voicemail. I hadn’t even remembered I had them to be honest, and how’d it show up here???. I was certain my mom wanted me to hear her voice at that moment, I just was so moved by the spiritual power I was in awe. I can’t wrap my head around such coincidences; but often find these types of things happening a lot! Tears streamed down my face as I was reserved and broken hearted until the first chorus verse. I quietly sang along, covering my face and hiding behind tears. The video is evidence that Greif comes in waves, incredibly, you can see the progression of healing. Rewatching this video is…just..so powerful….I’m speechless. I was dancing, smiling and singing by the time the last chorus came around, still tearful however but actually healing through it. I felt comfort, peace and ease. I felt clarity and empowerment. I believed. “Wow”, is this what growth feels like?

Coincidence or not? So Mother’s day is this weekend right?! I had just purchased flowers yesterday for a garden I want to make in memory of her. I believe this was her blessing, her telling me she loves what I’m doing lately, she approves of the way I am honoring her. This was her. She’s always here. YOU GUYS! I’m on the other end with my fingertips softly tingling, I can FEEL the energy shifts. This is nothing shy of absolutely incredible; goodness: what a journey.

Wrapping this up here, with all else, please believe in yourself. There was a time not long ago I’d wake up from night terrors, into panic attacks every day. There was a day where I didn’t want to ever see another, hell: a lot of those. I promise you, you are not your diagnosis, you are not your depression-you simply have the wrong tools. Don’t ever give up on your journey. Yours is the most beautiful out there.

with all else, love more

xox

mornings with me

I wanted to do something today against my norm. I often use my blog as my platform of reflection, and updates on my spiritual journey. I typically pour my strongest emotion into my pieces, because I am quite a passionate person. I take an immense amount of pride with my work because, I am proud of it. As you read this blog, you may find that my writers voice sounds different, more narrative. It may be a little more lax, more…real life Bree you could say. Trying a different approach today, different topic-different writers voice.

I am well prepared, with my iced caramel coffee close by. I have the sunshine at my left, and a warm blanket in my lap. I can hear the chirps of pretty birds I am unable to lay eyes on. I sit here with my delicate hands ready to share my intuitive thoughts this morning. I am still changing in and out of my, what I now call, quarantine uniform-consisting of a homemade bleached sweat outfit. My hair is wavy, because I can’t stop curling it or piling on more dry shampoo because I just am not ready to blow-dry it again, and I’m currently out of conditioner. Please don’t get me started on my nails. I walk around dragging my fluffy slippers and sometimes walk around so lazy I fail to lift my feet completely off the ground and just shuffle around the house. Quarantine vibes are real.

Staying alone was a huge fear of mine when I moved out in February. I knew I didn’t want a roommate because I needed to make a space my own, but I also realized it was going to be a challenge to learn to live by myself. I was ready for the challenge. At first, before COVID-19, I was great! I traveled, had friends over sometimes and was fine! Then when lockdown started, I was genuinely upset about missing all the events I had planned and it got difficult being alone. Coincidentally, I am learning to become my best friend, I am learning how to have fun by myself. This is all apart of the journey. This is preparing me for my future solo travel goals. I am embracing this time, learning how to occupy my time in ways it is best beneficial to myself, that in itself is beautiful.

I’ve always been a creature of structure, although not so much routine. I like having new and exciting adventures every day, keeping things out of order. Calm chaos we could call it. I believe routines work for those they work for, and don’t for the other guys. I don’t set an alarm every day, because I work midnight shift. I don’t meal prep on the same days because my schedule changes. I find that boredom turns me stir crazy. I like to work on projects, and decorating and teaching myself that I can do so many things on my own that I didn’t realize! I built a coffee table last night all by myself! Still shook about it.

My favorite quarantine activities have included solo dance parties in my bedroom, Tik Tok creations, painting the office, cleaning, cleaning again, day drinking, singing and dancing more, FaceTiming and eating all my snacks.

My morning will now carry on, for I have homework to work on (BSN in nursing) and meal prep to accomplish and groceries to put away soon, yes I have conditioner coming.

I think narrative writing is great, however this is definitely less of a powerful entry. I’m not sure why I feel slightly disappointed, but I suppose I simply enjoy talking about things that make my soul ignite. Things that make me believe again. The topics that make my heart remember what its supposed to feel like.

Imagine with me: The feeling of electricity through your thoughts when your writing is immaculate. The fluttering of your heart when you know your writing has your emotions into each typed word. The butterflies before you publish, the last minute “what if…” doubts. The weight that comes off my shoulders after a beautifully written entry is a feeling of such relief.

That is what I strive for, that is more my style.

Until the next burst of creativity and inspiration comes,

Much love

xox

“This morning, with her, having coffee”

Johnny Cash’s Definition of Paradise

I am moved by the love for tender moments with one another. Being able to sit hand in hand, enjoying moments and memories under the simplest conditions. Laughing until your bellies hurt: Promising pure intentions at heart.

The purest moments are in the form of intimacy. The way the campfire highlights the purest forms of their smile. The way the stars glisten, and kiss their curves in the shadows. The feeling of home, between their fingertips. The soft caress of gentle hands across your back after a long day. The silly laughs and dance parties late at night. Cooking s’mores over the stovetop after the kids are asleep. The slow dances in the kitchen on anniversary night because a night anywhere with him is a night to remember. The car karaoke dance parties on the way to get groceries. The moments of intimacy include the purest forms of love.

Love keeps us going.

We all have our own definitions, and strive to be and become the best versions of someone else’s. Why can’t we share definitions, merge into one, create multiple versions of another’s language?

It’s all we need to do.

With all,

Mi Amore

xox

If things are blurry, adjust your focus

As the quarantine continues I am increasingly becoming a distant version of myself I tried so hard to get away from.

Grief has been heavy the last week, and it’s becoming more apparent and affective in my daily life. I’m doubting myself, I’m questioning some of the moves I make-struggling to maintain my balance in this mess. My anxiety is in the way. Negative intrusive thoughts have snuck in where my confidence was previously produced.

But with great struggle, comes an even stronger fight. I knew March, April and May would be the hardest months to get through emotionally, having multiple “first” hallmark celebrations without my mom: (my birthday, her birthday & her death anniversary), and settle into my new place-adjusting to living alone. Little did I imagine I’d be forced in a quarantine dealing with it all by myself. Walking into work to watch the deterioration of this pandemic is absolutely devastating. It’s not easy to keep above water, but being able to accomplish such a thing-well, that’s extraordinary.

The ability to recognize emotions and rationales is a remarkable experience. I never imagined myself obtaining such a level of happiness in herself, and to be here-to wake up every day, well is just a beautiful thing. To trust your heart and your goals and spirit, to choose YOU is an accomplishment itself.

The difference between the old Bree I’m referencing in this introduction and the one writing this blog today is: today I know my worth. Today I know my grief, anxiety and insecurities are there to keep me protected from my greatest fears. I can acknowledge them and move them to the side. I have healthy coping skills. I am strong.

I made a life I DREAMED of. I believe in myself this time.

Maintain your spiritual journey. Follow the energy that feels right. I follow the sun! Always! Practice strict self care regimens every single day. Take deep breaths. Pause before responding. Listen to hear, not to react. Practice gratitude every single day. Practice humility. Counteract negative thoughts with positive attitudes, reassuring people talks, and paying it forward! Push your carts back and throw away your gloves/cleaning wipes. Be honest and true to those you hold meaning in your life.

Be good in the world, look at what it has come too.

With love

Xox