New beginnings

I wouldn’t call it art per say, but there is beauty and strength in decisions that people make that truly are for their own good.

I never knew what the hell I wanted in life specifically, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom and a Nurse. I’m one of those things currently, living the paradise I DREAMED of. I

knew I wanted to be confident, intelligent and self sustaining. I wanted to be my own person. I fell under the cracks of grief and depression and lack of esteem, and let myself go. I became angry, resentful and was frustrated every single day.

My intention in life is to be happy. For so many years I didn’t realize what I deserve in life. I picked people in my circle that didn’t always make me feel great. That’s my fault. But I learned so many valuable lessons along the way.

Always fight for what you believe in, make sure you believe in you.

You’ll never regret a decision that reflects your own happiness, just regret if you hadn’t chosen yourself at all.

The next two weeks I’m starting my journey. The journey of Bree. The journey where I remember my faith, where I trust myself, love myself and grow into the woman I’ve always yearned to be. Welcome to the journey of me.

Glow on

Xox

Overdue

When you’re late giving medicine in the hospital the icon eventually turns bright red. I believe your brain activates the same trigger if you’re living your life unlike Gods intentions.

Once you stop living for the moments that make you happy, stop doing the things that make you…YOU, it seems nothing goes right. One thing I’ve learned in the last year is to recognize the feelings but don’t become them.

The problem is, your response isn’t always timely. Most of the time-it’s delayed until your in a panic and feel like the only way around it is to go across the states and start over. But it isn’t.

That’s why self care is so damn important. Staying in touch with your feelings and always advocate for yourself. Advocate for whatever makes you feel good. You deserve it. You deserve it without question.

Although exhaustion from routine can and probably will set in at some point, its worth it to stay diligent. The mornings when you don’t want to start your routine, just remember The instant gratification of actually feeling happy after choosing yourself.

The more you do things for yourself the easier it gets, the better life feels, the happier you are.

I promise to be writing more.

Xox

Christmas rant

Made it to December Mom.

Without you there’s a hole.

Merry Christmas.

Without you there’s a focus, an obsession of your absence in this day, every day.

Sitting in the corner, with no one to talk too, I’m reminded of your far too soon departure in our physical world. I still don’t know who I’m suppose to call when all you want to talk too is your mom, who is “second best”?

Sitting here hearing the voices of other moms makes me yearn for the last time I heard yours.

Hugging other people’s moms, wishing they were you. Wishing they said something to me that you’d say, or I’d flashback to your most beautiful smile. Or anything that would happen that I could force into a spiritual reason how it possibly could have been tied back to you trying to connect to me here. This is hard.

Seeing portraits with families of moms makes me feel envious that they still get to love theirs.

Theres so much love I loathe to give you, but now you can feel it in my soul.

So many moments of looking in space, hoping to go back to a time where I was happiest. It was the last day I had you.

My grief is a ball inside a box.

Today my box is smaller, emotions large. but I’ll get through today without your physical presence, and tomorrow the box may be a little bigger.

The larger the box, the less often your ball of grief hits the walls of your emotions. Frequency only changes, intensity of your feelings will not.

Point is, we made it halfway through the first Christmas without you. Not by choice, because we have to stay in the sun. We have to be the sun.

Be the light for me to shine, help me. Guide me.

Then and Now

I always thought you’d be here forever, old and gray. Talkin smack and pranking you till were laughing so hard we’re crying. But you had to leave.What I am realizing, and learning to understand is that you are with me forever.

I am sure that what you knew when you were here isn’t the same as what you know now. I bet you’d re-do a lot different too, if you could mom, wouldn’t you?

If, when your body was physically here, you knew how much we’d miss you would you still have left? Do you think if you knew, you would have told anyone? Maybe you did know…Did you know it was your last day? Did you know you were sick? I am so sorry I didn’t know.

I think most of our relationship was us misunderstanding each other. I think you know more about me now, as do I, I think we were the happiest as we were the last year or so, you were so happy I was still in school. I regret choosing it every day. I regret choosing school over my mom. Over lunch I couldn’t make it too, because another stupid assignment I had to do.

But Mom, I think maybe you were mistaken, thinking we’d be better without you. Thinking I’d be fine.

Although I am experiencing the most amount of personal growth this year, I also do not credit that as “me being ok”. Thats me forcing myself to live because you have three other kids watching. I was a wreck when you left, I wanted to join you. Nothing is worse than being in a “dead moms club”. I can’t say anything without someone saying “awww I’m sorry”, and great discomfort. I didn’t want that. I never wanted that. I can’t call you to schedule appts, I can’t call you to tell you good news, I can’t share any pregnancy announcements, engagement or life event with because you’re gone.

but

I bet you laugh sometimes, when you see your kids doing something you loved watching them do. When Savannah smiles, Kayden laughs or Carleto feels peace for even a moment. When Justin and Sarah are back on track, Aja staying up with her studies and me well, I’m managing somehow. I smile, laugh, go through motions. But I still feel the ache of you being gone. My chest gets tight, my throat choking me when I forget and remember the reality all over again. I feel like I’m the closest thing left to your memory forever, there’s no way I can hold up to the memories. Our glue is gone, you are gone.

I hope you know we will never forget you. I will never stop talking to you, thinking of you, remembering you, admiring you.

I never really thought about if its different for you too, but I’d never get an answer in return. Do you still miss people, wish you could talk, be present, visible or alive again? Do you get to see Carebear, Grandma, Jojo and everyone else up there? I bet they really welcomed you.

Everything still sucks a little bit, but I feel safe, secure and confident. Did you know I’d come this far? Do you know your spirit is guiding me so well? Thank you for that. Thank you for being the spirit I believe in, talk too, bond with.

Thank you for not really leaving.

dear momma

as I write to you, I also speak at you in my mind. I release tears of fear, horror and panic as I realize yet again-that I’ll never be able to call you to calm me down from moments like this.

I just truthfully want you mom. I want your hand, your hug, and your touch to surround me and take the suffocation away. I want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me tight, let me cry in your lap like you used to do.

I’m not sure how I can ever be okay with this being the method of communication between us. This is the most literally way I’ve tried to reach you, besides talking to you in my mind and occasionally grinning when I think I smell syrup (idk why, but I swear its you messing with me). This in its entirety sucks.

I’m sitting here being a big ball of insecurities, crying about all the things that “could be” and all the things that aren’t. All the maybes, perhaps and what if’s that could send my life spiraling out of the perfect picture I have created. All of the reactions to my actions, and emotions…Where can you be to save me from this? How can you tell me I’m beautiful and strong and smart and encouraging and kind? How can you tell me I’m worth it, that not everyone leaves with the blink of an eye, flash of a light. How can you tell me when I am doing things right? Who do I call when I have great news, who is going to pretend to be excited to talk to me, because nobody does. How am I suppose to live without you?

I have so many questions for you, I need so much from you. I wasn’t ready for you to go.

if there is any magic in this world, it would be to send me a message and give me peace. I wonder what its like to know I’m worth it, smart, beautiful. I wonder what it’s like.

xox.

Who are you when you’re your best

I ponder this idea often. Who am I when I am at my best? I am quite a entertaining person to be around. I am funny, silly, I feel beautiful, I am outgoing, positive and full of encouraging emotions.

I love this version of me. I tend to be more gentle to myself, which reflects the way I go about my day to day life. I make more plans with friends, talk about future engagements and really look forward to things to come. I enjoy each moment, I am less worried about “checking in” on social media and rather soaking in the memories as they arrive.

This place is a really great place to be. I wonder if this is how it’s like for individuals who don’t struggle with mental health sacrifices. I mean waking up with a good night of rest, clear mind and ability to make time for mindful exercises has never been a thing I’d imagine myself doing.

Incredible, truly-What its like to know how you are meant to be in this world? This is how I should feel. I consistently have chosen myself every day. I complete a ritual a day, I still am reading (however, not as much because I’ve been super sleepy). I focus on how things feel, sound and look around me. I value my actions more than my thoughts. I compliment myself, and have been making myself dress up when my mind wants me to be down. I acted against my depression! I did the opposite it wanted me to do! I went out of the house, spent time with a friend and ENJOYED IT.

I guess the trick really is being consistent with yourself. I always wondered why what I was trying to do to help myself never worked. Why I felt like I had to get prescribed multiple medications to control the events my mind was putting me through. Its evident I needed consistency. Nothing changes in one day, ones’ mind especially. I also understand if I stop these awesome skills I’ve picked up, I can only go backwards.

So…forward we prevail! Keep doing those reflections, encouraging words, read those self-help articles and books! Express your love to others, and yourself!

much love,

xox

Reflections, Manifestations of Anxiety, Last Minute Thoughts.

I’ve realized and taken account for the lack of writing I have executed, and am here to provide an update. This blog is mostly read by its number one fan: Me. Seriously, I re-read my posts so often. It’s quite a great reflection exercise, seeing where your mind was taking you during moments of overload. Far more amazing is the progress a mind can make with a little (a LOT) of self-discipline. I also want to touch base in regards to some symptoms of anxiety, and a couple thoughts to leave you with.

I began reading “21 Rituals that will reignite your intuition”. I’ve read two books in the last two months and am starting a third, already ordered the rest of the series too! I read as often as possible, I actually dedicate time for reading. I have been outdoors for longer periods of time. I have limited my screen time, social media and tv time; (I usually sleep when tv is on anyway but I cared even less about tv the last two weeks). I would allow myself to separate my thoughts from my actual physical self. I am not my thoughts. I AM my actions. I worked on deep breathing, being kind (yes, when no one is around I intentionally smiled more, complimented others) and felt my spark again. I learned how to recognize a couple of my triggers, and voiced them to my love. I communicated with friends and expressed my love for friendships.

Spreading love to your circle will drastically change your outlook on life. Spreading love to YOURSELF will immerse your soul into a spiral of positive emotions- you’ll be left speechless. I know I’m on a very tall hill right now, but as long as I keep this going, remember to stay focused I will stay on this track.

I do want to touch base on some symptoms many battle every day, in addition to their diagnoses.

Mental illness’s tell us we can’t live without them. We don’t deserve to know what it’s like to feel calm, to not have so much stress, so many tabs in our brain always open, always on the edge of your seat waiting for a disaster. It’s so exhausting. Mental illness can also present as physical symptoms: loss of appetite, weight loss, acne, hair loss, weight gain, DM, electrolyte imbalances, cardiac issues, (chances of MI increase with consistent stress) hypertension, and SO MANY OTHER AWFUL THINGS). But it also comes with a community of similarities so understanding, so full of support and of true warriors.

This post turned into a couple of things. Most importantly, a reflection on my first week “ish” of my ritual book. I’ve been learning a new ritual almost every day, completing a ritual every day. I know this is helping me. I feel clear. This week is good. I also pointed out some symptoms I’ve been especially struggling with, and I’m doing this mostly to spread awareness. There aren’t a lot of people that are willing to ask some questions that may be answered In some of my posts. I have nothing to hide, I’m writing to heal myself. Simultaneously I’m writing to encourage others, to increase awareness, and to globally normalize mental health diagnoses. Please understand having absolutely zero appetite is not only painful but embarrassing, losing weight and not knowing how to gain anything or keep it rather-is scary. Knowing my physical symptoms are caused by some snoozing brain cells is frustrating, I’m still struggling. Please refrain from comments along the lines of “I wish I had that problem” because you don’t, truly. Actually it’s never appropriate to clap back reciprocated comments about unintentional weight loss/gain. Anyways, my point is you never know a full persons history unless you ask, so be sensitive around your spoken words.

Couple things to leave you with: 1. I heard a quote that is sticking to me, along the lines of, “if you are being nice, it’s because you want others to perceive you that way-but if you are kind, that is because it’s in your heart”. 2. Think about the first thing you do in the morning. Do you grab your phone? Check insta, snap, fb? You’re only acting out the simple fact that others opinions, comments, likes or shares will determine your mood. Wake up, LEAVE your phone, look outside, stretch so big. Take time for YOU in the morning. Establish your mood, tell yourself you’re beautiful or handsome, spread your arms so wide, for your mind will feel mighty and energized. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, ask for help, or take some time for yourself.

Xox

Stomach bug? Or brain bug?

I read a post a few days ago that really changed my thought process, and opened my eyes to how I should treat myself when my mind is all so challenging. The said post taught me a new way of asking people how to help me: treat me like I’m sick.

You’re in bed with a migraine for the third day, hair so sloppy in what was a bun, now more of a pile of knots cus you can’t brush it without excruciating pain. You kneel over to puke for the second time because all of a sudden your migraines now cause you to upchuck from the pressure in your head. You shed tears quietly while it feels like a knife carving your skull, praying for the pain to subside.

Day one of food poisoning: you’re nonstop gagging and spitting up the remainder of bile since your meal has been up for over an hour. You feel misery, cramps and pains.

You can’t move because your body aches are so strong you can barely manage turning your body after a few hours leaning on every bony prominence. You’ve had the flu for a week now, wondering if you’ll ever live a normal life again, reminiscing the days where you could sneeze and just actually sneeze. You can’t even imagine choking down any more clear liquids because you’ve thrown every single one back.

What is it that you ask of your friends, lover and family for during all these times?

Gentle words, encouraging phrases like “get well soon”, “you’ll feel better before you know it” fill the air as do your illnesses.

In actuality, heading pads offer the calming temperature to promote comfort. Laying down and caressing the back, reading or telling a story may even help. Give me my favorite blanket, book or tv show to watch. Maybe even order some food to encourage intake. Run a hot bath, add bubbles. Play my favorite station on the radio. Take me for a ride, with no destination. Lay with me, be okay with silence. Hug me if I’m hesitating. Pull me closer when I turn around.

It’s not easy being with someone who’s mind is constantly at war with them. It’s exhausting even. But if there’s one thing I know, is you don’t give up on people you love. And you can’t give up on yourself. I know I have some bad days, but my good ones are great. It’ll be a wonderful world when we are all helpful to each other when falling under the weather and may need some extra TLC.

Remember, next time you notice someone struggling with their mental health: treat them as if they were physically ill, give them time to get better, and be a shoulder for them.

Xox

are you in charge of your own feelings?

With the faint sounds of birds chirping isync with crisp feeling of fall, I am left here alone with my feelings.

I’ve often been wondering how I’ve gotten to this point. Where one simple word or phrase can send my insecurities through the roof and ruin all my progress at once.

I’ve been in my share of sketchy situations. I’ve been taken for granted like most of us have, cheated on, lied too, chosen last, and forgotten about. I fight against my anxious thoughts 24 hours a day. I fight depression equally as much. We suffer from loss, grief and unexplained situations. This is the world we live in, it sucks sometimes. I wish it wasn’t this way, but we can either keep the cycle, or learn to understand, and rise above it.

I suppose its clear: I give others responsibility for how I feel. Others’ actions cause me to panic, why? Sometimes someone does something that hurts you, or says something that triggers your deep past, You hear or see what reminds you of your previous struggles at freedom.

I am a nurse. I feed off of making other people happy, making them laugh, feel safe and trusted. I love kids, and for all the same reasons, they make me light up! I feel my best when I am making others happy, but this is quite a slippery slope at sabotage.

Its not someone else’s fault for how you feel. I believe my expectations rise above mosts’, and when I am given evidence of that it is upsetting. How come nobody else can understand where I am coming from? No-one gets why I can’t get over this, how come this doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to me?

I can only imagine how it is for the receiving end of this? Your partner, friends who you isolate from, bicker and start pointless arguments due to your insecurities? It’s exhausting for them too. But can’t they see your true struggle, or do you make it look easy? Why can’t they just read about our struggles to understand better? do they care? Those are just a few questions that run through my mind every time I misinterpret something. We are so sorry.

We all were raised with our own versions of showing values in which we were raised with: respect, dignity, honesty. My version of respect can be way more specific than others, and vice versa. I may show respect in a way I know, and others also may not understand my side.

The take away from this is simple. If there is a misunderstanding, wouldn’t the only way to solve that be confrontation? That isn’t a bad word, confrontation is not good nor bad, our reactions are. I would rather directly ask someone their intentions of said actions BEFORE I would emotionally escalade and react out of hormone shifts and frustration.

The only way for us to fix this as a generation is communication, honesty and effort. If we make an effort to being above or pasts, to trust again and allow ourselves too, we can make such a better place.

a safer place

xox

describe yourself to a stranger

Browsing Pinterest is as dangerous as getting sucked into any Target store. You start by seamlessly scrolling through the recipes, DIY projects and inspiring quotes until you realize its been fourteen hours and you haven’t moved from your slouched crossed-legged position since…you don’t know when. crap.

Then you hit the one post that gets to you. Whether it be a crafty project you must try now, or a prompt perhaps that gets you immediately logging into your blog to write about it. You make your move. Go.

Challenge: describe yourself to a stranger.

Everyone has their own perceptions of beauty, intelligence, courage, strength and therefore there are thousands of versions of who you are being described about.

Here it goes:

I guess I would begin by saying I am dedicated. I am not entirely sure the exact interpretation of that in which possess, however, I do not give in, nor up easily. I may fall, but I rise after. I would say I am empathetic and nurturing in nature, all things babies are my favorites. I am stubborn, defensive to those I care about, and equally passionate. I feel emotions intensely, and sometimes act out behaviors unlike myself as anxiety. I light up the most to my nieces, nephew, cousins and family, surprise gestures, sunsets, sunrises, beaches, campfires and sunflowers. Sometimes I am quiet, but I’m typically the loudest in the room. I love to laugh, I love to be silly. I rise on emotional connection, physical touch and quality time. I strive to be the best version of what I can, with the resources at hand and knowledge at that time. I aim to always improve.

Reflection: Wow.

The feeling is overwhelming. Chills even.

I’m not sure, nor do I really think it would change my perception of how I want the world too see me; if that’s how anyone would describe me, but would only wish.

The instant gratification I got from writing and reading the self reflection is intense. I only hope to continue the positivity, with increasing courage to keep on keeping on.

till next time,

xox