Journey back to yourself

I wish the journey was more cut and dry, the one where you learn to love yourself again. But the truth is, it involves a lot of give and take. This weekend was exactly what I needed to reboot myself, to find who I was-surrounded by what, and who I love the most.

I want to review some of the things I’ve done since my previous post, which if you haven’t read, go check it out! I have been practicing daily affirmations, getting off the couch more (less TV, more outside), following through with weekend plans, slowing down my processing/reaction time, reading, cleaning and thanking people for their help and role in my mental health recovery, and reaching out to a few old friends just to spread my support.

I feel clarity again.

I feel pure happiness, joy, passion, and love. I am surrounded by all of the life I’ve worked incredibly hard to give myself. I am a force of strength.

I am incredibly proud of my progress, from even the last two weeks. I had a breakdown on the countertop by the kitchen sink, and felt overwhelmed by thoughts I could not control. I couldn’t feel ANY positive feelings for months prior. But I got through that. After the initial feeling of defeat, you must choose yourself over your fears.

I believe the first step at getting better is recognizing what your mind was actually trying to do. Does your mind attack you when you’re at your best? No. It will go after you in your moments of venerability.

I have found that once I started giving myself some accountability and praise for the qualities I love about myself, coming out of your mind gets easier. Tell yourself good job, pat your own back-as often as needed.

All the days you have that are filled with feeling, passion, happiness are days leading up to the next time you feel everything is crashing down. I know the possibility of my mind declining again is high, however I have more tools now than I did previously. I can fight this smarter, It will get easier, once I believe the thoughts I’m reprogramming in my head.

It isn’t easy to retrain how you’ve been thinking your life thus far. We all have our share of experiences that molded us into the behaviors and actions we possess each day. Although difficult, it is possible to live with clarity.

For those of you who have been on the journey with me, thank you. For those joining now, thank you. Leave any comments/questions below

xox

Self Love Gain: Day 1

Do you ever wonder how beautiful you look when you’re doing something you love, talking about your passion, dreams and accomplishments? The world around you is lucky enough to see your immense beauty shine through all those things-Do you feel that in your heart? If you don’t feel what others can see in you, follow me on my self love journey and impromptu experiment.

I’ve been pondering many ideas the last month or so pertaining to the way I make my choices. The plans I make differ from the ones I pursue. Why you ask?

I like am someone who will always put other people first. I am a nurse for gosh sakes. Since my CNA class in high school, I have dedicated myself to helping others. Although it feels amazing giving people the power to make your day great, pouring out of your own cup to give to someone else is simply self sabotage.

Rather than this being all negative aspects of who I am, I want to retrain my brain. I want to focus on how I am going to learn to put MYSELF ahead of every one else. It’s not a bad thing BY ANY MEANS to put others first, but NOT 100% OF THE TIME. Now, my brain is missing tons of the good connections because I’ve been giving too much of myself away. Mostly because the things I want to do I am afraid to do: because Tom Dick and Harry don’t want to come, and I don’t want to drag anyone somewhere they don’t want to be, so I miss out. I understand the things I want and places I want to go shouldn’t wait for a shotgun rider, but I’m still learning how to incorporate that to my reality.

I have always really been afraid of being alone. Being left alone or forgotten about. I think this plays a huge role in my dependency traits. I am working very hard with myself, to learn how to love my own opinions and to value the things I want to do.

So…Self love experiment: I haven’t really considered making a “game” out of this, but I propose I might follow it better if I make it fun. This weekend I have some things I want to do, things that will make ME my happiness. Once a week I plan on making one goal for myself, I want to do something for myself once a week. Something I want, something that makes me happy.

Every day I will make a goal for myself. I will build on these goals, and will aim to have 5 new skills that will retrain my brain. Today write a list of 5 things you truly value in yourself. None of which are physical traits. There are so many people in this world, what makes you, well YOU? Whether you believe all the 5 things right now, fake it to yourself, and at least acknowledge them today, and every tomorrow. Put a list on your bathroom mirror. Look at it every morning and smile.

My 5 things: You are brave. You are an advocate for everyone around you. You are patient. You love and feel things deeply. You don’t give up.

Lastly, Imagine your happiest day of life thus far. What is it. What were you doing, how much did you smile, do you remember the glowing feeling? The purpose in your heart? How much did you laugh? Were you being silly? Were you on Cloud 9? Remind yourself you will get that version of yourself back through this experiment. I promise you can love yourself again. Remember how you feel in this happiest moment, use it as motivation when its getting tough for you to choose yourself.

Till next time

xox

Healing is not linear

Today I left every ounce of love with another person. Today I gave the most important possession in my name to my very dear friend. See, She’s doing me a favor only a superhuman/hero/spectacular soul would be willing to help with.

Let me explain.

My mom left us physically and unexpectedly May 19 2019. She left with so many unanswered questions, and so many memories we had yet to experience.

My mom had a pin she’d wear, usually at work, it says “you’re a star”. One day I declared I’d take the pin with me as often as I can. I decided to keep that pin on me at all times. It didn’t occur to me until today that I gave that pin such power in my own heart. I knew my mom touched it, I knew if I touched it, she’d be with me instantly. I guarded that pin with such delicacy.

One day the pin fell off my badge. I can’t honestly explain the relief knowing I didn’t lose it once it broke. On the contrary, I can’t explain the terror and horror I felt once it broke. Fuck. Another loss.

When my amazing friend offered to help me I instantaneously bawled. I mean full force water works UGLY Kardashian cried. I never have met such a selfless soul until this angel walked in my life. This woman who BARELY knew me could feel my pain, and wanted nothing more than to see me begin to heal. (Nurses are absolute heroes).

I can’t emphasize truly how incredible this woman is you guys. She has so many qualities similar to mom, I believe that’s why I feel such a bond with her. She’s had my back since day 1.

Today I gave her the pin I’ve had every day for 5 weeks. I looked at, held it and probably talked at my mom through that pin-EVERY DAY. I feel like I voluntarily gave away the last piece of my mom that I had, however I know that isn’t the case. I will have this back, I will get through this grief. I will improve.

I often tend to forget what healing looks like. It is indeed a linear sequence, a sequence of feelings you can’t wait to be over. You get better, you may backtrack, you feel like its over, then you’re back on track. over and over again. Thankfully, grief has been broken down into 8 stages thanks to the great Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross, but what you don’t realize is like grief is a monster and it will choke you by your fears and leave tears after thinking you were actually moving forward, thinking you were okay, thinking you were healed.

It is good days, awful days, ok days and days where you just BARELY made it.

I know how I feel is temporary, I know, (and recognize) I am missing a very important piece of myself. I also know I’ll get it right back. Right now its with my friend, in the safest of hands God could find. What I also know is the days where you feel like the only way to get better is to join the loved one, begin to come far in-between.

Life eventually starts clearing back up, just give yourself permission to be human. Let yourself be venerable, allow friends to comfort you in your times of pure heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel, as intensely as your body needs you to feel, do it.

With all, make today’s mission worthwhile. Go out of our way to comfort a friend. Check on someone who you know won’t ask for help, but will mean the world if you did. Check on you happy friends. Make someone smile today.

xox

like sand in an hour glass

I lost someone who I loved very much. I lost her suddenly, the day after so many people saw how beautiful and happy she was: The day after she watched me graduate with my nursing degree, the day after she was playing with her grand baby, the day after she had the best day ever.

It’s been 79 cycles of 24 hours since I’ve been without my mother. 79 mornings waking up and realizing she still isn’t here. 79 nights wondering why she’s gone.

Obviously it isn’t easy losing anyone. But I have no choice but to set the example for my siblings that you have to stay strong and maintain your life through it all. I mean my mom passed when my career was starting. I had to study for NCLEX right after graduation. I took a week off for the funeral, and went at it the next 4. I passed boards, landed my first nursing job and am making life my own, what I’ve dreamed it to be.

These things only happen when you work your butt off.

My point is, I have younger siblings watching me. I want to lash out in frustration, I want to break stuff, I want to be angry. I am angry. But fact of the matter is, life only moves in the direction YOU make it.

I have to stay strong, I have to show them no matter what life throws at you-KEEP GOING. Let your faith be stronger than your fears. Allow yourself to feel grief, but compose yourself enough to stay above water.

Much love

20’s suck

Hello all,

Life in your twenties is probably the hardest decade to get through. The ages of 20-29 are pretty relatable to the beautiful fruit of pineapples. Rough, sharp and even painful to hold on too, but OH SO SWEET when you get to the center. That is the “20s'”.

You must learn independently, from experiences good and bad. You have to adapt to what is thrown at you, often with little support. You get cut off too! Elders give less and less advice, or advice that we can no longer incorporate into our world. Times have surely changed from our grandparents era to ours. (yes, its millennials-our fault right?)

I remember feeling how impossible it was for me to make basic decisions in my life. They ranged from where did I want lunch to what am I doing with my life. Do you know how easy it is to not know what’s best for YOURSELF? How do we not know what’s in our best interest?

Often times we ask our elders for advice because we don’t know what is best, we don’t understand the full risks or benefits of a decision YET. We yearn for your wisdom.

The most ironic part of being in your twenty somethings is generally we all want to see each other grow up, advance in their family, their career and to be genuinely happy. Catch is, we also get equal amounts of hate from the pure growth we experience.

Someone always knows more, always knows the better way, and someone always knows what we should have done different. what they don’t know is how great your own decisions are to yourself. They can’t see your pain, struggle or how hard you work to get what you want. They only see the outcomes, and base opinions solely on that.

My advice to the haters is simple: Keep rising, practice daily affirmations, recognize your accomplishments. Give yourself credit for the long hours, the learning new skills, building things and self care and offer help to those who may need some advice, guidance or just an ear.

All for now,

xox

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! This is just a place for me to express the burning feelings I’ve been put-on this earth to share. Mostly this is an outlet for myself, but since I’m such an advocate for others I’d like to share this experience.

If you find to like my writers personally, please comment topics or anything you’d want me to write about.

Thanks again!

xox

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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