Birthday Blog

Today I am twenty six years old. I’ve spun around the sun with y’all for a while now. 

I have experienced an immense amount of life to understand that it is full of many disappointments, however if you adjust your focus-its a beautiful ride. I will share twenty six lessons I’ve learned in life thus far . Take each as you please.

  1. Children hold the most pure form of love. Surround yourself with their tender hearts and learn the most.
  2. We are our animals best/only friends, and should treat them that way.
  3. When someone is talking about things they love, look for the glow in their eye. It’s mesmerizing. Always let them talk about whatever it is that makes them shine-I’m telling you!
  4. You can go more than 3 weeks without refilling your nails.
  5. Compliment someone everyday. This is something that takes TWO whole seconds to complete, and can change an individuals life entirely. You never know who the one suffering in silence are. We are the movement. Starts with one.
  6. Tell people you love them, and love with your whole heart-no matter what. Do not lose pieces of yourself on love or relationships that didn’t work out.
  7. Understand what love languages are. Its truly incredible to make people feel good, why not do it the way they have highest potential to receive the intent of your compliments, moments, gifts etc.
  8. Practice self care whenever possible, it is the purest form of self love and highest power of confidence when you can create your own happiness and keep yourself afloat when you’re the only one you’ve got.
  9. Sometimes you gotta put the toilet seat up for yourself. Just put it back how you found it, and wash you hands.
  10. PUT THAT LIP STICK ON and own it. But don’t get pretty for any boy-get pretty for yourself.
  11. Cry when you need to. Experience your emotions, listen to them.
  12. Do NOT ever accept someone disregarding your feelings. You are allowed your own feelings, and they always matter to the people who will aways truly be there for you.
  13. Hold responsibility in your actions, for a reaction occurs regardless.
  14. Keep your intentions pure to yourself. Don’t give up who you are in sacrifice of someone else’s happiness.
  15. Wait until you’re ready to influence your own life. Don’t take peer pressure to make your moves. Work hard for your own future.
  16. Wait until after you start something to share with others, make your moves in silence, (Definitely need to work on this).
  17. Take each moment as an opportunity for your life to change.
  18. Life is more about your attitude than what you do with it. You can have a shitty attitude with a million dollars and still be miserable. Enjoy the simple pleasures. Its really truly what life is about. Find someone to be silly with, to enjoy life with, it’s hard enough already.
  19. Reflect on the things the people closest to you do: you become most like the five people you are around the most. If you don’t like their habits, actions or attitude-change your circle.
  20. You can only let yourself down with personal decisions and dedications. You don’t want to work out? That effects only yourself. Don’t neglect your reflection and soul.
  21. Take pictures. Our grandkids will want to see what life was like for us, what her grandma looked like with sweatpants and messy hair, what family activities and costumes we wore, etc.
  22. Don’t let your ego get in the way of something great. Nobody deserves shit. Don’t let your anxiety either!
  23. Make sure you have DEDICATED time for yourself. Play your favorite songs in your car, in the shower, wherever and SING! “We dance it out, that’s how we finish” Or do whatever you do! You’re alone time doing something you LOVE TO DO! Work out? Do ittttttt tooo!
  24. Have someone or something to believe in. I’ve become much more spiritual since my moms passing, and I have found great comforts in her energy.
  25. If the idea scares the shit out of you just a little bit, it’ll be worth it. It’s all about self discovery here. How will you grow staying in your comfort zone?
  26. When you experience the greatest of heartbreaks, and I’m talking the ones that absolutely destroy you-you an either rise above and grow from it, or let it destroy the rest of your life, forever. Losing my mom was that heartbreak. I had to come out of that for myself, and for her. I couldn’t let her down.

Perhaps I will start doing this more often. It’s a nice shift from the hectic world we are currently dealing with. It helps me get back on track with the core values in life and what this whole mess is about. Sometimes life really doesn’t make any sense and we often wonder “why are these things happening to me”, when we should be thinking: “This experience is going to help me grow into the woman I’ve always wanted to be, I am going to learn so much through this situation.” At least that’s my attitude towards it. 

much love

xox

Second month update

It is increasingly apparent that my efforts in blogging weekly are failing miserably. I am not sure why- however, writers block, life events, and personal changes have kept me unmotivated and off of any healthy coping technique I know. I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been working on crafts, or painting or many other of the project’s I’ve been looing forward too. The world outbreak of COVID-19 has taken control of the methods I’ve previously adapted too during times of high stress, and I am only mildly concern for my future self. I am trying diligently to work on this, and turn it around. I am refreshed at logging into the blog site again, to read my latest blog to my mom; reminds me how much healing writing and vlogging is to me. I experience a multitude of self reflection when writing, and I yearn to seek positives in such current circumstances.

Regardless of the current world crisis, I wanted to reflect on my most recent emotional progress. I have established a work out routine that I enjoy. I have gained definite strength in my efforts, and have since (yesterday) added additional protein to my diet. This shit is really hard to do! I felt so damn bloated yesterday ahaha. I have become the light I have always wanted to be, I am weightless, free, blessed. I planned and vacationed in MIAMI!! I had my first experience on an airplane! Side note: does anyone else feel like being that high in the sky makes you closer to Heaven? Because I got a little spiritually invested and had to say hi to mom up there.  I have experienced TWO days with anxiety and grief  over the last 40ish days. I check up on tasks I want to complete, I choose myself every day. I laugh and smile at strangers again. I compliment people often. These are things I do that make me feel better! Acts of kindness can literally safe a life.

I am not going to lie, the last couple weeks have been terrible. I have been planning a SOLO birthday trip to Arizona, (Bucket list!), I planned a Scandal theme birthday party. I got a new tattoo, my nose pierced, and another tattoo in the works!  Both the party and trip are since postponed due to COVID-19. When I go to Az, the Grand Canyon and Antelope canyon are the two hot ticket places I need to be! Additionally, I am anxiously awaiting April 5th, my moms bday. This is the first bday of hers since she died in May last year-another month I wish to skip. Greif is sneaking in fast with the additional stress in the current world-and every day becomes a harder struggle. Workplace news: Nurses everywhere are pressured to keep patients alive and not spread infection, when physicians can’t order rule out tests fast enough to keep up. Healthcare personal  are potentially exposed to the virus with every patient, computer, door handle, counters we come in contact with-and we are universally on edge. **THANK YOU TO ALL BACKGROUND WORKERS** Cumulatively,  With the turn of events-  I feel extraordinarily guilty for feeling upset about my personal plans, for my current worry of mental health decline,  this is a huge hit for me mentally. I was really looking to do some hard core soul searching in Arizona, I was looking forward to the journey. Its not till forever, it’s see you later.

My most challenging obstacle is myself. I haven’t had to go through so many tough things alone before I always had my person. My mom was my person. My ex was my person. Now both of them are in a different role in my life. Surely I have a multitude of community support and coworkers and friends, but they have their “people” already, and that’s how the big bubbly bree gets left behind most of the time. Also, I don’t wanna be sad to anyone, I want to be the sun. I want someone to feel warm around me, happy, loved, light and beautiful. That’s who I want to be.

I need to rephrase my mind. I am not alone, I have myself. I have my moms spirit, I have bree. This journey is remarkably fucking irritating sometimes, but its mine. The day I get to say  “I fought like hell through that, for myself”. is the day I win. I am fighting for my future self, my future bright, happy, smiley laughing bree!

My journey to self discovery has taken a quick turn of events this year, for I have learned SO MUCH about myself thus far and only continue to grow as each day passes. I only pray to keep my head above water, and my heart full of pure intentions.

Don’t let your crowns slip mi amore.

xox

Hi momma

Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me talking to you inside my own head. do you already know what I’m always feeling? Do you always know what I want to talk to you about?

I hope I’m making you so proud. These last few weeks have taken its toll mommy. Thank you for keeping me afloat. Thank you for keeping me safe.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re sitting here, next to me. I think you are. I can picture you rubbing my back right now.

Thank you for making me so strong. For teaching me to always fight for what I deserve. Thank you for helping me grow.

You haven’t been here in the physical world for some time now, but I know you’re here. Thank you for coming back to me.

I hope you like my new place! It’s everything I’ve dreamed of! It’s not a house but it’s my home for a while! I’m pretty scared, but exited to prove to myself that I’m a badass!

Did you notice how many friends that have my back mom? I’m so proud I have so many supportive friends.

I think we should talk like this more momma. See you soon!

I can’t wait to talk to you again.

Thanks for sitting by me momma.

New beginnings

I wouldn’t call it art per say, but there is beauty and strength in decisions that people make that truly are for their own good.

I never knew what the hell I wanted in life specifically, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom and a Nurse. I’m one of those things currently, living the paradise I DREAMED of. I

knew I wanted to be confident, intelligent and self sustaining. I wanted to be my own person. I fell under the cracks of grief and depression and lack of esteem, and let myself go. I became angry, resentful and was frustrated every single day.

My intention in life is to be happy. For so many years I didn’t realize what I deserve in life. I picked people in my circle that didn’t always make me feel great. That’s my fault. But I learned so many valuable lessons along the way.

Always fight for what you believe in, make sure you believe in you.

You’ll never regret a decision that reflects your own happiness, just regret if you hadn’t chosen yourself at all.

The next two weeks I’m starting my journey. The journey of Bree. The journey where I remember my faith, where I trust myself, love myself and grow into the woman I’ve always yearned to be. Welcome to the journey of me.

Glow on

Xox

Overdue

When you’re late giving medicine in the hospital the icon eventually turns bright red. I believe your brain activates the same trigger if you’re living your life unlike Gods intentions.

Once you stop living for the moments that make you happy, stop doing the things that make you…YOU, it seems nothing goes right. One thing I’ve learned in the last year is to recognize the feelings but don’t become them.

The problem is, your response isn’t always timely. Most of the time-it’s delayed until your in a panic and feel like the only way around it is to go across the states and start over. But it isn’t.

That’s why self care is so damn important. Staying in touch with your feelings and always advocate for yourself. Advocate for whatever makes you feel good. You deserve it. You deserve it without question.

Although exhaustion from routine can and probably will set in at some point, its worth it to stay diligent. The mornings when you don’t want to start your routine, just remember The instant gratification of actually feeling happy after choosing yourself.

The more you do things for yourself the easier it gets, the better life feels, the happier you are.

I promise to be writing more.

Xox

Christmas rant

Made it to December Mom.

Without you there’s a hole.

Merry Christmas.

Without you there’s a focus, an obsession of your absence in this day, every day.

Sitting in the corner, with no one to talk too, I’m reminded of your far too soon departure in our physical world. I still don’t know who I’m suppose to call when all you want to talk too is your mom, who is “second best”?

Sitting here hearing the voices of other moms makes me yearn for the last time I heard yours.

Hugging other people’s moms, wishing they were you. Wishing they said something to me that you’d say, or I’d flashback to your most beautiful smile. Or anything that would happen that I could force into a spiritual reason how it possibly could have been tied back to you trying to connect to me here. This is hard.

Seeing portraits with families of moms makes me feel envious that they still get to love theirs.

Theres so much love I loathe to give you, but now you can feel it in my soul.

So many moments of looking in space, hoping to go back to a time where I was happiest. It was the last day I had you.

My grief is a ball inside a box.

Today my box is smaller, emotions large. but I’ll get through today without your physical presence, and tomorrow the box may be a little bigger.

The larger the box, the less often your ball of grief hits the walls of your emotions. Frequency only changes, intensity of your feelings will not.

Point is, we made it halfway through the first Christmas without you. Not by choice, because we have to stay in the sun. We have to be the sun.

Be the light for me to shine, help me. Guide me.

Then and Now

I always thought you’d be here forever, old and gray. Talkin smack and pranking you till were laughing so hard we’re crying. But you had to leave.What I am realizing, and learning to understand is that you are with me forever.

I am sure that what you knew when you were here isn’t the same as what you know now. I bet you’d re-do a lot different too, if you could mom, wouldn’t you?

If, when your body was physically here, you knew how much we’d miss you would you still have left? Do you think if you knew, you would have told anyone? Maybe you did know…Did you know it was your last day? Did you know you were sick? I am so sorry I didn’t know.

I think most of our relationship was us misunderstanding each other. I think you know more about me now, as do I, I think we were the happiest as we were the last year or so, you were so happy I was still in school. I regret choosing it every day. I regret choosing school over my mom. Over lunch I couldn’t make it too, because another stupid assignment I had to do.

But Mom, I think maybe you were mistaken, thinking we’d be better without you. Thinking I’d be fine.

Although I am experiencing the most amount of personal growth this year, I also do not credit that as “me being ok”. Thats me forcing myself to live because you have three other kids watching. I was a wreck when you left, I wanted to join you. Nothing is worse than being in a “dead moms club”. I can’t say anything without someone saying “awww I’m sorry”, and great discomfort. I didn’t want that. I never wanted that. I can’t call you to schedule appts, I can’t call you to tell you good news, I can’t share any pregnancy announcements, engagement or life event with because you’re gone.

but

I bet you laugh sometimes, when you see your kids doing something you loved watching them do. When Savannah smiles, Kayden laughs or Carleto feels peace for even a moment. When Justin and Sarah are back on track, Aja staying up with her studies and me well, I’m managing somehow. I smile, laugh, go through motions. But I still feel the ache of you being gone. My chest gets tight, my throat choking me when I forget and remember the reality all over again. I feel like I’m the closest thing left to your memory forever, there’s no way I can hold up to the memories. Our glue is gone, you are gone.

I hope you know we will never forget you. I will never stop talking to you, thinking of you, remembering you, admiring you.

I never really thought about if its different for you too, but I’d never get an answer in return. Do you still miss people, wish you could talk, be present, visible or alive again? Do you get to see Carebear, Grandma, Jojo and everyone else up there? I bet they really welcomed you.

Everything still sucks a little bit, but I feel safe, secure and confident. Did you know I’d come this far? Do you know your spirit is guiding me so well? Thank you for that. Thank you for being the spirit I believe in, talk too, bond with.

Thank you for not really leaving.

dear momma

as I write to you, I also speak at you in my mind. I release tears of fear, horror and panic as I realize yet again-that I’ll never be able to call you to calm me down from moments like this.

I just truthfully want you mom. I want your hand, your hug, and your touch to surround me and take the suffocation away. I want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me tight, let me cry in your lap like you used to do.

I’m not sure how I can ever be okay with this being the method of communication between us. This is the most literally way I’ve tried to reach you, besides talking to you in my mind and occasionally grinning when I think I smell syrup (idk why, but I swear its you messing with me). This in its entirety sucks.

I’m sitting here being a big ball of insecurities, crying about all the things that “could be” and all the things that aren’t. All the maybes, perhaps and what if’s that could send my life spiraling out of the perfect picture I have created. All of the reactions to my actions, and emotions…Where can you be to save me from this? How can you tell me I’m beautiful and strong and smart and encouraging and kind? How can you tell me I’m worth it, that not everyone leaves with the blink of an eye, flash of a light. How can you tell me when I am doing things right? Who do I call when I have great news, who is going to pretend to be excited to talk to me, because nobody does. How am I suppose to live without you?

I have so many questions for you, I need so much from you. I wasn’t ready for you to go.

if there is any magic in this world, it would be to send me a message and give me peace. I wonder what its like to know I’m worth it, smart, beautiful. I wonder what it’s like.

xox.

Who are you when you’re your best

I ponder this idea often. Who am I when I am at my best? I am quite a entertaining person to be around. I am funny, silly, I feel beautiful, I am outgoing, positive and full of encouraging emotions.

I love this version of me. I tend to be more gentle to myself, which reflects the way I go about my day to day life. I make more plans with friends, talk about future engagements and really look forward to things to come. I enjoy each moment, I am less worried about “checking in” on social media and rather soaking in the memories as they arrive.

This place is a really great place to be. I wonder if this is how it’s like for individuals who don’t struggle with mental health sacrifices. I mean waking up with a good night of rest, clear mind and ability to make time for mindful exercises has never been a thing I’d imagine myself doing.

Incredible, truly-What its like to know how you are meant to be in this world? This is how I should feel. I consistently have chosen myself every day. I complete a ritual a day, I still am reading (however, not as much because I’ve been super sleepy). I focus on how things feel, sound and look around me. I value my actions more than my thoughts. I compliment myself, and have been making myself dress up when my mind wants me to be down. I acted against my depression! I did the opposite it wanted me to do! I went out of the house, spent time with a friend and ENJOYED IT.

I guess the trick really is being consistent with yourself. I always wondered why what I was trying to do to help myself never worked. Why I felt like I had to get prescribed multiple medications to control the events my mind was putting me through. Its evident I needed consistency. Nothing changes in one day, ones’ mind especially. I also understand if I stop these awesome skills I’ve picked up, I can only go backwards.

So…forward we prevail! Keep doing those reflections, encouraging words, read those self-help articles and books! Express your love to others, and yourself!

much love,

xox

Reflections, Manifestations of Anxiety, Last Minute Thoughts.

I’ve realized and taken account for the lack of writing I have executed, and am here to provide an update. This blog is mostly read by its number one fan: Me. Seriously, I re-read my posts so often. It’s quite a great reflection exercise, seeing where your mind was taking you during moments of overload. Far more amazing is the progress a mind can make with a little (a LOT) of self-discipline. I also want to touch base in regards to some symptoms of anxiety, and a couple thoughts to leave you with.

I began reading “21 Rituals that will reignite your intuition”. I’ve read two books in the last two months and am starting a third, already ordered the rest of the series too! I read as often as possible, I actually dedicate time for reading. I have been outdoors for longer periods of time. I have limited my screen time, social media and tv time; (I usually sleep when tv is on anyway but I cared even less about tv the last two weeks). I would allow myself to separate my thoughts from my actual physical self. I am not my thoughts. I AM my actions. I worked on deep breathing, being kind (yes, when no one is around I intentionally smiled more, complimented others) and felt my spark again. I learned how to recognize a couple of my triggers, and voiced them to my love. I communicated with friends and expressed my love for friendships.

Spreading love to your circle will drastically change your outlook on life. Spreading love to YOURSELF will immerse your soul into a spiral of positive emotions- you’ll be left speechless. I know I’m on a very tall hill right now, but as long as I keep this going, remember to stay focused I will stay on this track.

I do want to touch base on some symptoms many battle every day, in addition to their diagnoses.

Mental illness’s tell us we can’t live without them. We don’t deserve to know what it’s like to feel calm, to not have so much stress, so many tabs in our brain always open, always on the edge of your seat waiting for a disaster. It’s so exhausting. Mental illness can also present as physical symptoms: loss of appetite, weight loss, acne, hair loss, weight gain, DM, electrolyte imbalances, cardiac issues, (chances of MI increase with consistent stress) hypertension, and SO MANY OTHER AWFUL THINGS). But it also comes with a community of similarities so understanding, so full of support and of true warriors.

This post turned into a couple of things. Most importantly, a reflection on my first week “ish” of my ritual book. I’ve been learning a new ritual almost every day, completing a ritual every day. I know this is helping me. I feel clear. This week is good. I also pointed out some symptoms I’ve been especially struggling with, and I’m doing this mostly to spread awareness. There aren’t a lot of people that are willing to ask some questions that may be answered In some of my posts. I have nothing to hide, I’m writing to heal myself. Simultaneously I’m writing to encourage others, to increase awareness, and to globally normalize mental health diagnoses. Please understand having absolutely zero appetite is not only painful but embarrassing, losing weight and not knowing how to gain anything or keep it rather-is scary. Knowing my physical symptoms are caused by some snoozing brain cells is frustrating, I’m still struggling. Please refrain from comments along the lines of “I wish I had that problem” because you don’t, truly. Actually it’s never appropriate to clap back reciprocated comments about unintentional weight loss/gain. Anyways, my point is you never know a full persons history unless you ask, so be sensitive around your spoken words.

Couple things to leave you with: 1. I heard a quote that is sticking to me, along the lines of, “if you are being nice, it’s because you want others to perceive you that way-but if you are kind, that is because it’s in your heart”. 2. Think about the first thing you do in the morning. Do you grab your phone? Check insta, snap, fb? You’re only acting out the simple fact that others opinions, comments, likes or shares will determine your mood. Wake up, LEAVE your phone, look outside, stretch so big. Take time for YOU in the morning. Establish your mood, tell yourself you’re beautiful or handsome, spread your arms so wide, for your mind will feel mighty and energized. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, ask for help, or take some time for yourself.

Xox